Chaos Attraction

You Horrible Awful Rage Monster, You.

2017-01-02, 10:07 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

So my mom is A Helper. She is diehard dedicated to helping people. Sometimes whether they want to be helped in the way she wants to or not, really.

She got the bright idea to have me meet with her anger management class instructor on New Year's Day to .... I'm not sure what, exactly.

(Mom has pretty much been yelling at me to take the class, and I said I'd do it except for the following issues: (a) the nearest class is an hour away from where I live, and (b) on Friday nights for two months in the rainy season. I am really not cool and froody with that last bit in particular because driving in cold dark driving rain is scaring the shit out of me--see last few musical improv class entries.)

It did not go so well. Which is to say I ended up trying not to bust into sobbing tears in The Cheesecake Factory multiple times.

The first night after Mom took the class, she did not seem to like the instructor, for whatever reason. After week two, she adored her. After my one meeting with her, I am...not sure how that last bit came about.

Now, I normally don't mind blunt people--I am one, my shrink is one, etc.--but hoo boy, this lady was a kick in the crotch. Suffice it to say she confirmed that I am a horrible person filled with rage and everyone can see it and every time I try to stifle it it only makes it worse (and of COURSE I should take the class) and every thing everyone said that was bad about me at work was true. What's her solution for that? JUST BE HAPPY AND CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE ALREADY!!!!! You know, just like flipping a switch! But it has to be GENUINE HAPPY, NOT FAKE! Because everyone hates the fake! Just be calm! Just be positive! Like she's doing even though she hates her job and her boss! Also, you really should be taking depression meds like I am. Don't worry about the side effects or how long they take to work--I worked out with the first drug I took!

I do not get optimists. They do not get me. It is not as easy as flipping a fucking switch, people. It's easy for me to derail when I try that and end up being back at me again.

I don't even feel like getting into the job advice. I just kept my mouth shut when she told me to work for a nonprofit writing grants. (You may think this sounds reasonable, but I don't have experience in it and well, don't care.)

Now, I will be fair and say she was trying to be helpful. The fact that she was willing to meet up with us for this situation says a lot. Most people would not have done that. But...in all honesty, I don't really want to spend time with her again. I feel like shit after talking to her. I'm terrified to go back to work again after talking to her because of my seeping rage that everyone can feel.

There is another class offered Saturday mornings in the spring. I am slightly more amenable to doing this even though spring is busy season here and I think I'm gonna be at a wedding at least one of those Saturdays to boot. But do I want to now? Um, nope, not really, unless I can find one in my area taught by someone else.

I talked to Meg tonight when I went back home again and she was very nice about it--saying she doesn't see me as a constantly mad person, this lady wasn't being nice and was giving me more of a complex about this issue already, etc. So that helped.


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