I came into work on Thursday with a long list of stuff to do. People to contact. People to give The Death Speech to. Forms to fill out. Faxes to send. (The doctor STILL hasn't faxed back the forms so I can go on FMLA leave. Greaaaat.) Mail to get forwarded. People to notify that I'd be gone for a long time. Blah blah blah. By the end of the day, I was burnt out on giving The Death Speech, and didn't even go all the way in explaining to my new CC manager why I was disappearing for two weeks. She said, "I hope it'll be okay," and all I could say was, "Well, um, eventually it will be."

People have been nice. I signed up to take a class in Wicca and the instructor told me I could get her notes when I came later. My shrink gave me her e-mail and her voice mail number and told me to contact her at any time and she'd get back to me, even do a phone session if necessary. (That just boggled me.)

Still, though...

I know this is dreadfully snotty of me to say. I know I should want to be there at Dad's side. I already got chastised by the relatives for not wanting to take lots of time off.

But...dammit, I wish I wasn't missing out on writer's group, and the class, and hanging out with cool people at volunteering, and going to the gym (I already gained five pounds from not getting to do anything but walk from building to car for two weeks straight), and well, life as usual. I don't want to be out of touch, disappearing into...well, deathland, I guess.

Hell, I don't even like taking longer than a week off for vacation because I feel out of touch and behind when I get back.

Nor do I like spending more than a week around the family, and I'm stuck now for two.

And I can't say that I WANT to watch him die, either. Apparently everyone but me and Mom wants to, though. I feel obligated to be there, whether I want to be or not. I just wish I didn't have to have that burned into my brain for life. That's what bugs me the most, and seems to bug the people I've asked about what it's like as well.

I am trying to enjoy my "normal" life for the next few days, while it lasts. Go have a good time, get some workouts in, see some shows, etc. It's a shame that somehow having that good time in the past doesn't really help in the moments when things are really bad.

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