Monday night's rehearsal was all about smoke. Which is to say, those of us left around were to rehearse playing "smoke" in a dance in Utopia. This was lots of fun and more improv dance work. It pretty much boils down to "everyone playing smoke basically gropes* and prevents the girl playing Water from getting to the koi she wants to go to." If this makes sense to you, please explain it to me (shouldn’t koi be trying to get into water....?) ...but whatever. It was fun gently preventing her from going outside of our circle over and over again, though I did feel kind of sorry for the girl playing Water because she gets thwarted over and over again for like 5 minutes. That's about all we did!

* gropes = contact improv really.
I can't resist making a horrible joke.

I am all over the map on this whole ex situation. I’ve gone from “oh god I hope he doesn’t ask where the hell I was” to “oh shit now he’s never gonna speak to me again.” I’ve gone from wanting to see him to feeling very weirded out about the idea to being all hey, maybe just stick to pen pals. I’m kinda going again from “oh god I killed everything and I didn’t mean to” to “should I write him and if so, what?” to as of this writing right now kind of being like “maybe I should let this all die again.” One way or another nothing much is gonna come of it and that is probably all for the best, right?

I had a phone conversation with Meg about it on Monday and the whole thing seems to have amused her greatly, and she was all, “Now you can have closure and move on to someone else,” and I was all, “I already had closure like 17 years ago, didn’t need to rehash, didn’t actually think we were getting back together, will be quite happy to move on to better if I ever get the opportunity, thanks.” Didn’t need to reopen this for that, honestly! She also said my body and soul aren’t in alignment. Yeah, obviously nothing is in alignment here. I am arguing with myself. Whee.

She did some kind of reiki thing with me over the phone and then drew some tarot. 8 of Swords for the past (I am the problem, duh), present card is Justice and reaping what you sow, future card is Strength saying this isn’t over yet and have patience.

Then I talked to my shrink today and she was all, hey, neither of you made any kind of plans to meet up whatsoever, there’s nothing to feel bad about, he probably just wonders if you liked the show or not, if anything. And if you write back, just say you liked the show and don’t say anything else about meeting up and don’t apologize. She asked what I was afraid of, like being rejected, and I was all “that already happened.” She said my showing up wasn’t too forward, even though I think it was (and kinda stalkerish).

I said I was going to write an email, but right now I am blanking out. It doesn’t help that I was in a damn haze for three hours and don’t remember much of anything to say about his part in the show or anything at all in the show!

Really, wasn’t I just kinda enjoying the flattery and the acting talk out of all of this anyway? I think I just wanted some attention to get high off of or something because it has been such a long time. (Oh, and I thought my shrink’s streak at going between love interests before meeting her husband was a certain terrible 2 digit number, and it turns out I have beaten her by years by now. Gaaaaaah.) It’s kinda like, you really crave a certain thing that’s no longer sold anywhere but every time you walk by that one store that used to offer the thing, you keep wanting to go in and look for it, just in case a miracle happens. You know better, but .... reflex action?

Once again, I suck at treating exes like people who aren’t exes. Again, why did I think I could try this?

Today’s tarot: I did some two card reading online that I thought was a decision maker spread and got 4 of Swords (rest) followed by 6 of Swords (fleeing, plugging leaks in stories, temporary fix).
Then I did a three card reading and got the page of cups (trust intuition, stay open), 4 of pentacles (stop clenching and hiding, basically) and six of cups (giving freely and trusting and forgiving in relationships, reunions, new understandings from other points of view).

These seem a bit opposite to me, what do you think? Which course of action to take? If any?

Oh hell with it: if I think of something to say, I’ll say it, if I don’t, I’ll let it lie.

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