2014-01-26, 9:35 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
I found out that.... well. How do I put this? Apparently someone else was already had in mind for that job. It wasn't me, it was someone else better than me in the same office. As in, they created that job for her and gave it to her, and then I was told it was one of those situations where they found out they had to advertise and tokenly interview people. Which I did not know, probably because I wasn't around during the end of last month to hear that rumor mill.
No, I have not officially been told that I didn't get the job yet and blah blah I should still have hope, but given the supporting evidence, I think it's true. It explains some things I was ah, wondering about that seemed weird. And yes, technically I haven't been told no yet and am "jumping the gun," but I'd rather know now rather than be completely shocked in public this coming week or whenever they eventually announce it.
Between that and training going horribly that day (note: do not START the day with the worst thing I will have to do during it) and I ended up crying again, well....I spent all of Friday either crying or trying not to cry. I had a small bottle of alcohol stashed in my bag and chugged it once I got to the train station (was going home for the weekend, but am still too scared to brave the Bay Area rush hour traffic in the dark again). I didn't think I was so very drunk, but somehow once I was on the train, it felt like it was running in the wrong direction the entire time. To the point where I called Mom and said I thought I was heading to Sacramento and I didn't know when I'd make it there, and then the train conductor was amused at me. I still didn't quite buy I was going in the right direction until I finally saw another train station. Now Mom seriously thinks I am an alcoholic and made me watch the Elizabeth Vargas special on television.
I am.... well, I've had more time to become accustomed to the idea. Plus the weekend was out of town and distracting (more on that later). I have now finished watching all of Downton Abbey per Mom's DVD for season 4, so there is that. I will probably go back to being horrendously depressed about the situation and how I can't seem to get myself out of it--and whenever I try, apparently someone else older, smarter, more experienced and generally better than me is already on hand--tomorrow.
Oh yeah, and I've said it before but I am saying it again: never again will I apply for any open positions in my own office. Shoulda learned my lesson the first time instead of being optimistic and thinking I just might be a slam dunk this time and getting my hopes up. Already being here is NO advantage to me when there is always someone senior and better already around that they had in mind.
Mom made me watch Joel Osteen again and today's lecture was that if you are in a drought, you should be expecting rain and for things to go well sometime soon. It's a nice thought, but...well, I've been in drought for a very long time. And frankly, I am losing (or pretty much have lost most of the time) faith that anything is going to be different. This was my one, lone, best shot and it turned out it wasn't even. If this wasn't, then I suspect nothing is.