Do you ever have feelings like you're going to be forced to move on from a particular situation or group or thing, whether you want to or not? Something you don't want to give up, but circumstances all seem to be conspiring to make you give it up?

I never like that.

I had that feeling with the crowd I ran around with in college: like I HAD to separate myself from them now. I didn't want to. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could just go reconnect with the folks who are left. It was stupid of me to disconnect from them, because a core group was people who are like me now, non-students who kept living here, and I could have kept on having a social crowd. But.. I had this feeling like I HAD TO GO. And I went. And it sucked, and still sucks.

I had the same feeling about going clubbing with Heather. We had talked about them picking me up on nights they came into town to go to the Grad, but somehow I never have called to have them pick me up. Now, I've got some reasons for this, which mostly amount to "somehow I can't sleep in past 9 a.m. in my apartment due to the light, and getting home at 2 a.m. or worse means I don't get enough catchup sleep on weekends." (I feel lame about that, especially since when I'm at my mom's I can actually sleep in because her room is dark.) But I also just had that feeling like... even if I didn't want the clubbing phase of my life to be over, it HAD to be, NOW. Even if I'd still like to go clubbing, it's like I CAN'T any more.

I'm having that feeling again, only this time it's for my apartment.

Ian will be moving out when the lease is up- moving into his ex's room in a house down the street when she leaves. I kinda knew that him moving was going to happen, so I can't say I was utterly surprised, but it did pretty much kill off all faint hope that I could keep the apartment for another year and not have to move.

The problem is, I'm 2-fucking-7 years old and nobody wants to live with a non-student. My odds of continuing to find roommates at my age are not good. People my age, if they share an apartment, are doing it with the person they're fucking. (All of my ex-roommates are, God knows.) And even if THAT wasn't an issue, my apartment still being not fixed up from the flooding would be. Ian's about the only person who'd put up with that, and even he calls it a "hole."

*sigh*

I hate being so old in this town. Ian had a bunch of people over for a movie night tonight, and about half of them were CC folks from our once or future shifts. It was great fun, but when one of them was going on about how some skeezy 32-year-old was showing up at college parties and hitting on chicks, it made me feel like suddenly I was skeezy for hanging around college kids. Okay, so (a) that's hard to avoid here, (b) almost everyone around my age that would be cool to hang out with in this town is, guess what, married (I have about three friends here over 22 who are single, but they're hard to track down) and (c) I sure as fuck do NOT go around trolling on the college boys, even if everyone at 3WA keeps telling me that younger boys are the bestest! (When I hear this, I think, "Sure, dating younger is fun when you're over 30 and younger is a late-20's person. For me dating younger = frat boy age. Yucka.")

So...much as I DO NOT WANT THIS, I fear the time has come for me to suck it up and find an apartment for one for the long term.

I have to notify them what I'm doing on April 1. This doesn't give me much time to find somewhere else I'd like to live, and searching is...painful. Likewise, so will trying to come up with money for first/last/deposit all at once. I asked Mom if she could help me with that if I had to have that soon (before I'd have time to save it up) and she screamed at me all day long for that one.

I am also pondering whether or not to just stay in the complex and get a single here, which I could probably do. Though that means I'd still be dealing with the same old "management takes weeks to get shit done, if at all" situation that I'm not too thrilled with. (Then again, if I had an apartment with less problems in it, maybe this wouldn't be as much of an issue?) So if I must move, and I fear that I must, I'd rather go to a different complex, but in this area. I'm eyeing one on the next block, but I haven't heard from the manager yet. If that one doesn't work out, I don't know what I'll do, so I'd like to hope this would work out. And quickly.

*sigh* I'm back to feeling all nervous and scared about life again. I fucking hate that. Being an adult sucks.

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