So, I have still been in the pouting funk-o-rama. Which basically boils down to:

(a) Even though my life is generally pleasant enough, I want mooooore. *whine*
(b) And yet, I am not willing enough to burn every bridge, dump every friend, move far away, and go for mooooore, or do whatever it takes for that. So I guess I really don't want it?

I am perpetually in a state of "not satisfied with what I got, yet not motivated enough to go after different either." Everyone wants to smack me for my whining, but I want to smack me most of all.

Ugh. It got to the point last week where I was all, "I'm going to make myself...take up martial arts! THAT WILL BE DIFFERENT! That will SHAKE ME UP and FORCE ME TO BE BRAVE OR SOMETHING!" This plan, however, got foiled by the fact that apparently taking martial arts takes a lot of hours and multiple days of the week, which I do NOT have free for class. You can't just like, drop in once a week for an hour for 8 weeks and see if you like it or not before committing to buying a gi. Erk.

Adding to this, I was getting pretty burnt out on NaNoEdMo. I finished my 50 hours last night, but I seriously had to drag myself into doing 2 hours a day for the last four days. I think the "novel in a month" thing works great for me to get me to do stuff, but after 50 hours I was just tired and wanted to go do something else. (Indeed, I don't think I'll go back to this again until June when I have free time again, as April and May are just nuts.)

I am also CRAVING outdoors time. Part of why I'm irritated at work lately is because I'm stuck inside and it's pretty out. I was making myself go outside and do editing during lunch at work for the last few weeks, which was very nice. This 3-day weekend (I had Friday off), I made myself spend at least several hours outside every day, even though it was a bit too cold and windy to be doing that exactly. I think it really helped. I don't think I'm someone massively affected by SAD, but it certainly helped me being so dang squirrely...I just didn't get anything done that I needed to be doing indoors, on the laptop, too well.

So what this is all leading to is, this weekend I made myself sit around outside rereading The Comfort Trap and trying to figure out what my damn problem is. At some point in the book, she says something that amounts to "get into a meditative state and ask "What do you REALLY want?" and don't judge the answer.

Now here's the thing: when it comes to the question of, "What does your heart want?" mine...wants something stupid.

No, it wasn't a boyfriend.

I'm not going to say what it was here. Yes, that's annoying, but it's THAT STUPID, in my opinion, that I do not want to admit to this to anyone other than my mother (who has been told, and her response involved the word "Oprah") and my shrink (working up to that). And falls into the "Yeah, if you got that, which is beyond unlikely, you wouldn't even LIKE IT" category. Let's call it..."killer clowns."

I've wanted "killer clowns" for years now. Couldn't even tell you how long. And it annoys the crap out of me that I want this stupid thing. "Impractical" and "unrealistic" does not even begin to describe. You'd laugh and point at me if I said it. Hell, I was reading an advice column the other week where someone else wrote in saying, "I want killer clowns, how can I get that?" and that person got a very tactful, "You can't HAVE killer clowns in this universe, why don't you settle for the non-violent clowns?" response. I'm humiliated just thinking that I want killer clowns, because it makes me feel like a total idiot.

I have been pissed off at myself for a long time about this. Like, why do I want killer clowns more than I want to oh, seriously and consistently work on a writing/art career, which would be a lot better for me and more practical? Then I kick myself over it.

Well, after that experience in the park, it was like... "Okay, fine. YOU WANT THE DAMN KILLER CLOWNS. Accept that. At the most fundamental level of your being, you want the damn killer clowns. Let's just SAY that you're going to go after the killer clowns and be done with it."

And, oddly enough, I felt a whole lot better after that.

Do I know how to get killer clowns? No. Am I actively planning on doing the impossible and figuring out some way to get killer clowns? Odds are, probably not, because that would take a miracle. Still pretty stumped on that. But for right now, I am letting myself think, "You will get killer clowns eventually, somehow," and my brain is shutting up on the whining and letting me think about some other things for a change.

Go figure.

In the meantime, I have decided that the monthly goal for April will be to "create a vision." Yeah, it's kinda like "resolution month again," given that it will also be Turning Old Birthday Angst Month, but this time it will be more like, making some kind of visual/mental focus notebook to get me thinking more about where I want things to go. I may not exactly have a timed, practical schedule going as yet, but hey, anything to motivate me to go there is most likely good.

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