The fact that I'm writing an entry on a Saturday instead of being trapped off the computer entirely should tell you something, eh?

Well, I'm at my home, not theirs. Yay.

I had to call Mom again on Thursday for the inevitable "call me just to see if you're still coming" checkin call, and it... didn't go well. I was in a bad mood all day anyway (as you recall), and I made the mistake of asking her if she'd want to go to her gym this weekend. She has been on "medical leave" from hers for three months because of Dad and it ended April 1, and since she always goes on about how she should go but she can't possibly ever leave Dad alone, I figured if I said I'd go with her it'd be a motivator. She gave me a "We'll see" answer, and I knew right off what THAT meant. I started immediately apologizing for ever asking in the first place, she started snapping at me that "I NEED TO GET STUFF DONE!"

The conversation proceeded to get uglier from then on, she went on about her papers again, I said what's the point of me "helping" if all I can do while she goes through papers is give her something to yell at, and it ended with her saying, "If you can't be positive and cheerful about helping me, then I don't want you to come. And I don't think you can even help yourself to pretend that you could be." Well, that's certainly true. Much to my surprise, she stuck with that. She said that she thinks I get bitchy when she asks for help because she's my mother and she's supposed to handle her own problems. Yeah...

I tried to change the subject and tell her about the talk I'd been to during the day, and tried to discuss her finding other help that isn't me. She was absolutely adamant that SHE WILL NOT, EVER EVER EVER EVER, even DISCUSS getting help from someone else. She actually said, "I don't care what you think about it or if you don't want to, I am putting this all on you."

It's all because her house is soooooo horrible, and oh, the SHAME if anyone else but me sees it, blah blah fucking blah blah. (And people wonder why I don't bother cleaning much? I don't want to turn out like Mom.) I tried to tell her that she could try to find someone else who's been in the same situation with a sick relative, because they couldn't possibly have been 100% neat and tidy either. No dice. I tried to say that maybe someone could do errands for her outside of the house, so she'd get help without someone seeing the house. Nooooooo. Nothing, nothing, nothing, she wants help and she wants it from ME only and that's that.

Well, except for this weekend, anyway. She did say she'd try to motivate herself to clean on her own. I asked her why she couldn't just tell Pam to go stay in a hotel, and she said she wanted this to motivate her to clean. Hah. Anyway, she said she'd see what she could do on her own and get back to me.

Naturally, I ended up doing a lot of screaming and crying and feeling guilty during this conversation, which led to her asking why the hell I'm always feeling inadequate and I snapped at her something akin to, "Well, if people have been telling you you SUCK since you were six years old, it's going to do something to you!"

And she was all, "Um, what?" and I was all, "Yeah, remember how I got held back in kindergarten for 'not being socially developed', when really it was because every kid in the class hated my guts from the first day?"

And she was all, "Um, WHAT?!?!"

"Um....I thought you knew that."

"NO!"

Well, yeah, that was how it all started. The girls in my class were a bunch of snobs and the leader of the guys hated me on sight, and one way or another, I spent the year hiding and learning that I suck and I don't even know WHY. Does a number on you when you're six and you don't know any better, eh? I'm improved since then, but this situation certainly brings out the "You suck" voice in me.

Things kind of resolved from there, oddly enough, with Mom saying she didn't want me to beat myself up, etc., and that the support group they mentioned for caretakers on campus would be a good thing to go to. It actually ended rather friendly-like. Go figure.

So the next morning, I went to the appointment with the group facilitator, and evidently I was a shoo-in for the group, and she thought my bluntness about things would be quite refreshing. She was seriously shocked by a lot of the stuff I told her, especially the "I am putting all of this on you," thing, and said that was really hard of her to put on me. I really liked this chick- she actually got what was going on, more than the last shrink, I think. I'm pretty excited to start going to meetings, even if I'm the only one there under 40.

My weekend has been lovely. I went to dance class and I went to the yearly powwow and picked up more lovely merchandise (a butterfly ring, opal pendant, peacock-feather hair ornament, a fancy fabric-ed fanny pack and minibackpack necklace, and really funky woven earrings in the shape of girls. And I would have missed out on all of this to go home and be yelled at.

What a relief.

For now, anyway. I assume next weekend is still up for grabs.

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