Chaos Attraction

Carbonite

2012-04-09, 8:21 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

"If you're tired of people looking down on you, grow the hell up."

I wish I knew how.

Tonight's How I Met Your Mother pretty much covers how I have been feeling lately. Every 3 years, the guys watch the Star Wars trilogy. Every 3 years, they think their lives are going to be better in the future. Every time they get to watching the trilogy again... not so much. Especially if you're Ted, who's literally one day younger than I am, still hasn't settled down, one failed engagement, etc., etc., etc. "If I haven't settled down by the time I'm 34, something is seriously wrong with me..."

Oh, right, it is.

I said elsewhere the other day that my life is frozen in amber. (Or perhaps I should say carbonite, given the episode.) This is pretty much true, as I can count on both hands the number of major changes that have happened in my life since...well, a long time. Let's pick 2005, so we bypass one flood. What's changed since then in my daily life?
(a) Gave up having roommates--or at least got too old to find any any more willing to put up with me, so fuck it.
(b) Dad died.
(c) Got a driver's license.
(d) Switched offices at work.
(e) Had a few boss switches at work (just gonna loop that into one there).
(f) Had another apartment flood.

I pretty much do everything the same (except for the change in office) now as I did then. My days have not changed. My nights have not changed. I sure as fuck don't feel over 30. I still look, act, and feel 25.

Meanwhile, most people my age are married/taken/breeding. Or going to grad school. Or already moved for a new job. I am the only one who hasn't changed. And probably never will, because who am I kidding? I don't know how to change. I only actually took action to do ONE of those things, everything else got forced upon me. No wonder everyone who got married and had kids in the last few years don't have much to say to me--I don't change and I am boring and I never move on and I'm exactly the same as I was eight years ago, really. I feel this way about my job, but after five years of heavy searching, I still can't come up with a WANT TO DO for shit, but that's still better than being unemployed/homeless. I honestly don't give a shit about going to grad school and never have. I'm not getting married. I can't seem to figure out moving and car-buying because I'm an idiot.

I want to embrace change. I don't want to have it forced upon me. But I can't help but think that if I did get laid off, I'd just end up applying at Starbucks, not getting in, and ending up moving home with Mom. I don't think even THAT would shock me enough to get me to do something different and better.

Three years from now, I'll be living in a pile of newspaper, even if Ted isn't. Nobody would predict differently about me. I have zero faith that I am going to turn this around, no matter how fed up I feel. Fed up doesn't make a giant rock move. Making A Decision didn't once I got confronted with oh, reality. I don't know how to make it real.


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