2008-04-11, 7:46 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
Today my shrink said that what I really want is to be passionate about something.
I suppose that's true. I don't really want much of anything these days all that strongly. Don't remember what it was like to even feel like that any more.
I have a long list of things I don't want to do, which is irritating when they are things that would be good for me. For example, I should do Whole Earth again, but I really haven't enjoyed stressing out over it for the last three years, and my whiny-ass heart just doesn't wanna do it any more. This is not gonna go over well with a lot of people who will be Very Disappointed in me. Hell, I'm very disappointed in me. But odds are I'm not gonna do it, because I'm not doing a whole lot of things I should any more.
But what do I want to pursue? Actually want instead of don't want? Very little.
I want killer clowns (yes, that was a lulu to talk to my shrink about). And beyond that, I have been obsessively craving sunlight to the point that I'm really ticked off that I have to spend 8 hours a day working indoors in the dark. (It's like what, at the beginning of spring I caught a case of SAD?) And that's it. I suppose I should be glad that the latter one is attainable...at least from 12-1 five days a week, sometimes after work, and on weekends. Whee, sunburns and grass rashes!
I worry about these sea changes in me. I don't like feeling pulled away from things I don't want to be pulled away from, or pulled towards things that aren't so much me.
My priorities are messed up, indeed.