Chaos Attraction

21 Days of Meditation

2009-04-21, 3:27 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

So, I figured I would follow up on this. It's 21 days in out of 30, and since 21 is supposed to be new habit day, I might as well recap.

Here, for your viewing pleasure (actually, yawning), are 21 days worth of private meditation journal entries:

April 1: Had meditation class today, so easy cheat for making myself do it. (Note: so far this has been the ONLY time I got away with that one.) But I had an hour to wait around before writer's group meeting, so I attempted to do it then. Sat around in the arboretum and tried it. Didn't really "get there" mentally too much, but I did calm down. I really emphasized the deep breathing for most of that hour. It seemed to help. Kind of an "easy" day to do it on, though, considering that I had class AND a "dead hour" to spend outside in nice weather. This will be more difficult on a rainy/chilly day, or one where I am busy all day and don't have lunch, or Disneyland...

April 2: Spent lunch outside--it was a lovely day--and meditated outside. I downloaded a program onto my Palm to put the timer on for ten minutes. I will make myself TRY to meditate for ten minutes, regardless of whether or not I can "get there." I liked doing it outside, though it got kind of hot because I did not even try to find shade.

April 3: Checked the weather report this morning and it's predicted to be OBSCENELY WINDY A-FUCKING-GAIN right during lunch. I do not want to be outside trying to do anything in hurricane-a-comin' weather, period. So I guess I will be crafting during lunch rather than basking.
Due to that, I made myself meditate at home in the morning, in my bedroom in the dark. It actually worked pretty well, didn't fall asleep and didn't get totally squirmy the way I do when I try to do it in the living room.
I did seem calmer yesterday, which is good. Also tried not to think about OMG MY FUTURE MUST HAVE PLAN.

April 4: Saturday, tried meditating out by this random hall I found around 2 p.m. when I was on campus. It was way out of the way. Naturally, noisy people managed to find it anyway.

April 5: My Palm died, thus I no longer had a timer to do my guaranteed ten minutes. Did around 1 p.m. on a random bench by the design offices as I was having a shittastic mood day. Found the timer on my cell phone, but when I was doing the meditation, well...I apparently programmed "ten hours," not ten minutes. So it wasn't a very good session because I kept having to peek at my watch. I wanted to redo it, but ran out of time with everything else I had to do that day.

April 6: Did my time during lunch, having now figured out how to operate the timer on the phone. I really like doing it outside. In other news, class got canceled for this week. I am sad. I am also sad that the weather promises to be rainy shittastic for the rest of the weekdays.

April 7: A little tricky to get it in today. I had my shrink appt. at home from 11-12 or so, and the bus was supposed to come around 12:20, so I figured I'd use that time to meditate. Then I got a phone call, so not so much. Eventually I got back to work around 12:40 (luckily nobody noticed) and since it started raining JUST as I got to work, I had to stay inside and meditate at my desk. Not my favorite thing anyway, but it's quiet enough for the most part.
Anyway, it's done, which is good because this isn't a day where I have all that much free time.
Edited to say that during EC class, we did some more meditation during it. Doubletime!

April 8: No meditation class today, sigh, it got canceled. The weather was still a bit chilly to go outside, so I elected to meditate in the CC (the weaving room is almost always empty) and then spin more yarn.
It wasn't the best move. I associate the CC with being active and doing things, and I was just waiting for the time to be over and peeking at the clock.
I need to figure out some other kind of solution to this, like do it somewhere quietish and THEN go to the CC.

April 9: Had a booooooooooooring work class this morning, got out around 11:30, and I headed to the CC early.
It was raining, so the "maybe I should meditate outside" thing kind of went to hell, so I did it in the weaving room again. Oddly enough, this time I was pretty well physically calm from the start (rather than having to do the deep breathing for the entire 10 minutes), and I was all, "Go me! I'm getting there right off the bat now! Yay for daily work on this!"
...And then seven minutes in, someone walked in the door and said, "Don't you want the lights on?"
Sigh. I had to pretend to be busy again until she left. And by my rules it has to be 10 consecutive minutes, so I had to start over. I was not happy with this, and definitely was not in that groove again so easily. (Plus I kept thinking she'd come back in again.) Oh well, at least I kept from peeking, though I really wanted to.

April 10: I think I did it during lunch again. I am in such a tired fucking sleepy fog (cannot sleep for more than like 3 hours in 2 days) that I do not remember. I think it was about the same as before- meditating in craft center during lunch, it was rainy, I wasn't interrupted.

April 11: Had Mom over, so that was tricky. She wanted to get up early and go buy stuff, I told her I wanted to sleep in, got up and meditated after she left.

April 12: Was dead tired (did not sleep for shit at Aunt Susie's) when I got home late last night, finally just did it when going to bed, i.e. lying on my back doing deep breathing. Did NOT make me go to sleep any faster or better...and especially didn't make me go back to sleep at 1:50 a.m. when I woke up. Continued to not sleep well, combined with having weird dreams where Friday Night Lights had the Ood from Doctor Who come in...yes, really...and just all worried about god knows what no matter how "chill" I try to be.

April 13: So I tried meditating at 5:30 a.m. Still did not get back to sleep, hence why I am posting now.

April 14: Did it around 7 p.m. after driving lesson, on the fourth floor of the library in a back cubicle. Was not disturbed. Then ended up doing it in class again, so more doubletime.

April 15: Did NOT have meditation class, again, on Wednesday. This is disappointing considering the month's theme here. Wednesday's meditation was done outside around 5-ish p.m. during my break.

April 16: Today's was done around 12:40 p.m. during lunch, outside again at the arboretum after I did errands.

April 17: Did it during lunch, outside, got myself burned/tanned. Sigh. I fear my streak will be broken this weekend (early, I'm expecting it to go next weekend) since Mom will be about. Meh.

April 18-20: All three days I did meditation in bed, trying to get back to sleep, in the wee small hours of 6 a.m. or whatever. Didn't work for the sleeping purpose, I can tell you that. All I can say about this is that it's the one meditation method that works to not be interrupted by Mom if she's still asleep.

April 21: Got back late (around 12:40) from my shrink appt/lunch, ended up meditating at my desk again. Nobody interrupted.

So, it is a habit yet? I don't know. Would I miss it if I stopped? I don't know.

What I have learned:

* I do know that I canNOT do The Same Thing Every Day, Same Time, Same Place for this even though the meditation instructor says you should. My schedule is too change-y for that, so I'd rather just do it when I can squish it in.
* I like doing it outside whenever possible, i.e. not nasty windy out. Indoor rooms where one isn't likely to be bothered too much can work.
* Doing it in bed trying to get myself to sleep apparently doesn't work for sleep purposes, but seems to be a plausible way to get around the "I can't meditate without Mom interrupting me" problem. Or the "I had no time to do this all day and now it's 11 p.m. and I still haven't meditated yet" problem. That said, I don't go on a timer for those moments, so who knows if I quite go for ten minutes or not then.
* I guess I am calmer? I'm not sure if I can only blame the meditation for this, or if trying NOT to think about the things that were freaking me out in the first place (say, avoiding the news) can be a factor here too.

But here's the thing: I ran into the former manager of the CC (who recently switched jobs) and she was carrying a big ol' display board. I had to ask what it was, and she said it was a new incentive program to do some kind of healthy whatever for 100 days.

So I might as well do this then, eh?


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