Chaos Attraction

Zombie Ex-Friends

2011-05-26, 10:20 a.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

I have been trying to write the followup to this ex-friend thing and failing.

There actually ended up being TWO goodbye dinners: Sunday afternoon/night and Wednesday night, another dinner because Merry can't make it on weekends. (And as it turned out, she couldn't make it for very long on a weeknight either.) I am still kind of reeling/feeling very weird about it all. I don't even know where to start, really. On the one hand, it's kind of just like normal, except nobody's talked to each other in a year and probably won't ever again after this month is over. On the other hand...argh.

The thing is, I tend to be an idiot who gets her hopes up when someone's been gone from my life briefly wanders back in. I normally don't mind telling bad stories on myself, but the super-delusional behavior I have engaged in once I ran into or heard from ex-friends is just sad and embarrassing. I start thinking that things are going to go back to the way they were, and then they don't and then I get crushed all over again.

I went into the first gathering keeping my distance and trying to remind myself that This Is The Last Time, don't get personal, play normal, but not be totally myself here. Okay, fine, that seemed to work. Literally, I sat at the far side of the table as far as I could get from everyone else. I especially was trying to kind of avoid my ex-mentor, since I was the most crushed by her bailing. (I expected most of these folks to bail once they went off to grad school or had a baby or whatever, but I thought she wasn't the type. Surprise.) I mostly kept it cool, or at least I don't think most people figured out I was having issues. So far, so good, not getting my hopes up.

And then I found out that there was going to be ANOTHER dinner... and I said I'd go. Stupid me. Ironically, the ex-mentor and I were the first to show up, showed up at the same time, and they won't seat you without most of your party there, so we ended up having to do some private talking--also on the way home since she lives on the next block from me right now (though she's moving down the street again). I think the gods were laughing at me in that moment.

So, what I learned from talking to her again:
(a) she did not see me any of the times she ignored me publicly, said "If I hated you, I'd just tell you to your face." Good to know!
(b) she is going to be in this town for at least 6 years since she got into grad school. So unlike everyone else, she's not moving out.
(c) BUT she has clearly Moved On from the time where we were all friends, has a whole new set of friends and coworkers, and...
(d) I attempted to ask her if she'd want to hang out ever again, which led to... well, an implied no. I took the hint and went away.

So again, got hopes up, then had them crushed again. STUPID STUPID ME.

I don't know why the universe has me have run-ins with these people just to find out that while they don't hate me, they don't really like me still either. I'd rather just let the corpse stay dead and think they hate me, rather than let me get my hopes up and get stupid.


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