Chaos Attraction

Acedia Again

2014-06-29, 2:05 a.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

The rest of the weekend was not quite as interesting as Friday. I went to the gym a lot--hell, on Sunday I went to two different classes and also went swimming, so yay on me there. I did the usual errandy crap. I also went to Melinda's to work on my monologue--rewriting it again. Draft number three seems pretty good so far, but she said at this point I need to start reading it aloud alot and memorizing it and cutting out words, etc. And probably recording myself, even though she said I'll hate listening to it. Because as usual I talk too fast. I suppose I should be feeling all excited and empowered about it, but right now I keep thinking how terrible I'm going to sound. I've taken drama classes, but they sure as hell didn't actually teach me anything such as how I'm supposed to talk. No wonder I can't act, I guess.

Regarding this thing I was whining about: I have come to the conclusion that I just can't do it. Because as I was trying to figure out when the hell I would have time to work with Melinda again (weekends are the only option), I was all, "Well, next weekend is shot because it's the Fourth of July, and the weekend after that is shot...when the hell do I have the time? Fuck...." I still haven't written back about it yet, so the slot's probably gone anyway. The passive way of choice making on that one.

Honestly, I don't know about that class. I don't exactly feel a huge lot of enthusiasm for it, I suppose. I really thought it was going to be more of a smaller/less commitment-y sort of thing and wouldn't have called to ask about it (which kind of makes me feel obligated to sign up once you've wasted someone's time for that long) if I had know how extensive it was beforehand. But then again, I don't feel a lot of enthusiasm for anything so it's kind of like, how can I judge? I just don't get super excited about anything unless it's actually happening--I don't really anticipate beforehand and get all psyched!!! and pumped!!! or whatever. I just see that it's a lot more money and time than I was wanting to devote to learning that particular technique and that colors everything--it's heavy buy-in at the start with no guarantees of it actually doing what I hope it would do for me and I just keep thinking, "that's a lot of money, time, scrambling to drive to the Bay Area at the last minute Saturday night when I have theater tickets, and arguments I'm going to have with certain people about how I can't come see them that whole weekend because I'm occupied all Saturday afternoon. And for what?"

Mom is still going on about "what do you want to do for vacation?" Again, isn't this the same woman who said she couldn't afford a vacation and car repairs at the same time? And she's just BEEN on vacation for half of the month? What the hell is with her and this? She wanted to know if I've ever signed up for Travelzoo (both she and my shrink nag me about this) and I said no because it's going to just send me a bunch of stuff I'm not going to do and I hate the idea of spontaneously spending money on some trip that I have to decide I want to do ASAP instead of thinking about it for uh, at least a few weeks. I'm cool with spending spontaneously on little things, but anything that's a fair chunk of money tends to bother me about spending it and I'd prefer to not have to decide to drop a large amount of cash on something completely unplanned right off. Hell, right now I should probably replace my DVD player because it won't play discs any more, but no, I didn't go spontaneously pick one up at Radio Shack because I'll just sit on the idea for a few weeks until I feel okay about springing for it. Or not. Or whatever I end up doing because I don't want to figure out how to hook the new thing up.

Okay, that wandered off topic, but long story short, she wants to go to Europe again and I...just don't care about going to Europe. I said what I have before: I wouldn't turn down a free trip because I'm not actively against the idea of going (unlike, say, when Mom wanted to go to Alaska), but I'm not interested enough in going to start scrimping and saving and planning to go for a long period of time. I don't care enough to want to go on my own initiative (not that I have any initiative). I'm pretty instant gratification these days and am just going to prefer something I can get today to saving for Europe in six months or a year or whatever. Plus I just keep picturing myself fucking up and getting myself horribly lost in a country where I can't comprehend the language, or worse. It just...doesn't sound like super fun to me, okay? Of course, that's not okay because everyone has to want to see Ireland, or Paris, or whatever. And Mom was giving me some shit for that because now she wants to go back to Ireland in November and can't I just pay up and join her? Well, she went without me before, I'm sure she can do it again.

Yes, it's a problem that I have whopping amounts of acedia, a.k.a don't-care-itis. No, I don't know how to solve that problem except apparently by whining, and we see how well that's going.


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