Chaos Attraction

Wah Wah Wah

2011-08-17, 5:41 a.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

So for pretty much the entire summer, I haven't gone to bed before 11:30/midnightish and possibly am awoken at 5:30 a.m. by the noisy neighbor. So obviously, I have been running at my usual sleep-deprived levels of whatever even more than usual. This finally crashed a couple of days ago and I went to bed at 10:30 on Sunday night and Monday night. Which is a bloody miracle, I suppose. I woke up before 6:30 both times, which given my perpetual waking-up-and-checking-the-alarm-ness every weekday is doing really well.

So naturally tonight (er, Tuesday night) I was WIDE A FUCKING WAKE for most of the night and finally gave up trying to sleep around 5 a.m. It's like my body has to force itself back into sleep deprivation or something. What the hell?

I am feeling cranky. Now, I am doing a lot better than most people are these days right now, I suspect. Or at least, I heard two Towering stores yesterday that reminded me that hey, could be worse. Both were nearing Betsy Carter levels of badness (I used to carry around a list of every bad thing that happened to this author within a few years just to remind me that I wasn't that badly off yet). Jess told me that her husband's current job is forcing him to commute between two states, they are putting him up in the world's skeeziest motels, he got held up for a dollar, and one of their cars got in an accident, so now they are in money limbo once again 'cause he's gonna have to hunt for another job, plus get another car. And then there's my shrink, who has been gone for 3 weeks donating stem cells (this is the new bone marrow transplant, I guess?) to attempt to save her brother's life from cancer. I will make the story short here, but let's just say that both she and her husband developed major medical emergency problems RIGHT before the transplant, and hers was a cancer scare. She's fine and the donation happened, but it was severely dicey that it would happen at all and her brother would just have to die. It was a bad story. She then told me about the healing power of having a meltdown after having to be a "soldier" in order to get this shit done and how really, isn't it about time that I have one after all of this? Or else I'll become brittle. I said "too late for that one, I already am."

So, yeah, could be worse. I am just cranky about not being able to figure out anything careerwise. I am tired of online oracles telling me to solve the problem by "following my heart." (What heart? No, seriously.) I am tired of wanting what I can't have and not wanting what is possible to have and looking at every consolation option and going, "Meh, I don't CARE." I have no idea how to get what I want and that is so severely dubious to chase anyway. I don't like the idea of having to move in order to chase...whatever... and I don't know how to move anyway. I keep wanting divine intervention (not of the Towering, job-losing level, please) to fix it for me and that ain't happening. I have also come to the rather horrible conclusion that I'd rather hold a grudge against someone than e-mail and make up, because while holding the grudge in person is difficult, being pissed off at home alone is so easy I can't stop doing it. Sometimes I wonder if pretty much being left alone the entire summer (I have occasional friend drop-ins here and there, but mostly everyone is AWOL again) is a good idea, but it's not like I have much control over the situation, what with everyone else being soooo much busier than I am. I ponder taking vacation and then something else bad happens (see above) and I think, "if I do it, God will strike me down for having fun and spending too much money."

The NaNoWriMo nonfiction book I am working on continues. I am kind of behind schedule on it because it's been slow going (i.e. not having much more time than about an hour or something to do it per day), and nobody else is doing it along with me that I know, and it's summer and I want to be outside, wah wah wah.

Though on the good side, I am still employed and I have made a lot of lovely glass projects lately, plus a corset. So there is that.


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