The good news is, I could actually eat some solid food today! I had a breakfast shindig to attend this morning at work, which normally has a great breakfast spread (you know it's good when the recommendation comes from a girl who normally hates breakfast), and much to my surprise, I could consume the eggs-and-ham thing, the quiche, the fruit, and even the cranberry bread. I don't think I'm quite up to braving the bagels, but at least I could eat more than just yogurt. This also worked out well because no decent soup was sold on campus today, so I had to settle for some nice soft sushi rolls. Hee.

I got to go on a tour of the new fancyass school gym today, and now I'm seriously considering getting a membership. It was SLICK. It had everything. I'm normally not one to voluntarily go somewhere to exercise when a class isn't involved, but this place was so nice I am now thinking about it.

Not that I can go to the gym any time soon, mind you, but maybe in October?

My obsession with tarot continues. I'm very into researching it of late, and I think one way or another, said research will go into a book. Plus I've got someone who's excellent to discuss it with about! But besides that, given how much crazy crap I've had fall upon my head lately, I'm feeling like forewarned is forearmed, you know? It's my meditation thing of late. Gives me stuff to think about. I'm varying what I ask about, because asking about the current situation indicates a lot of delays and legal trouble. Blech, I already knew that was gonna happen.

While I was home lying around the house bored, I was doing a lot of tarot readings, and, well... I'm getting interesting results. Of the people kind, not the "oh goody, the roof is gonna fall in again" sort. Interesting good or bad, is the question. It's not news I want to hear At All, but it might play out better than I think. I don't know. But last night it was revealed that the one person showing up in the fall/winter may very well (okay, probably IS) be two, and I promptly wigged a bit. I'm not really needing new people with Issues to show up in my life, and things were already smacking of that, but two? Grrrr. I did a five-month tarot forecast and it's full of ups and downs. Dammit, I was looking forward to the idea of having a peaceful fall, where I stuck to my own business and the only complications I was dealing with were ones I brought into my own life, such as taking too many classes and being really busy with my jewelry. Really, would that be SO HARD to just let me be without more Tower crap?

So anyway, I bitched about that a bit, and was asked, "Couldn't you just stop doing readings about this, then you could not know? Aren't you stressing yourself out over something that might not happen?"

Okay, good point. But I've got my reasons.

For one thing, this has kind of become a detective mystery to me. I'm finding it very intriguing to find out whodunit, only in this case it's whowilldoit, and I'm tracking clues before it happens. I'm hoping these folks won't show up, but if they do, it'd be awesome confirmation of something on a longer term basis than a day or two. Plus, doing readings kind of helps to figure out how to cope with the issues. It's a much more fun mystery than my usual, which is along the lines of "Oh fuck, where'd I lose that?" It's kind of stressing, but it's also...intriguing. And lord knows I'm going to end up worrying about SOMETHING, because that's just what happens in my brain at say, 1 a.m. or while I'm on the bus.

But besides that... it's something to think about that has certain qualifications.

(a) It might or might not happen, rather than a disaster that's already occurred or guaranteed to occur.

(b) This is an area that should something happen, I COULD take action in, for the better.

i also like the idea of debating whether or not to get a gym membership. I probably won't in the end, and I know this, but I like thinking about it and making lists of pros and cons and how likely I'd be to actually use a membership.

I'd rather focus my worry on trivial crap that I could do something about, rather than the Very Deadly Serious List Of Worries I Have. Because I am dead tired of worrying about the Very Deadly Serious Problems I have in my life, most of which will cause great pain and difficulty, and not all of which can even have anything be done about them to make them any less worse.

Here's the list. Which would you rather worry about, tarot or these things?

(a) Will they ever finish with my apartment? I saw a drywall truck there this morning, but the place didn't look like it'd been touched by the afternoon. I don't think this is going to be done by the end of the week, folks. Then what am I going to do about my mail, which stops being forwarded then? And it'd be a good thing for me to be back in my old place by say, October, when everything starts up again around here.

Do I have any power over this situation? Hell no. Is it a big pain in my ass? God, yes.

(b) When can I move in? This weekend? Next weekend? How do I work out arrangements for one versus the other? Will they help me move stuff in the way they helped me move stuff out? Will they bring back my stuff from Sacramento?

Do I have any power over this situation? Hell no. Is it a big pain in my ass? God, yes.

(c) When can I get a rent refund? Will this actually ever happen? Did I mention that my apartment manager's in Europe right now visiting his in-laws?

Do I have any power over this situation? Hell no. Is it a big pain in my ass? God, yes.

(d) Will there be a lawsuit? Do I need to get legal consultation of my own?

Do I have any power over the first question? Hell no (or at least, I'm not suing alone if they don't, don't have the bucks). Do I need to wait to find out about the second question? Yup. Is all of this a big pain in my ass? Duh.

(e) What the fuck am I going to do about buying a new bed? I keep getting asked about this, and FUCKALL IF I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I refuse to take action on this until I have somewhere to PUT it, but once I'm back in, what do I do? It's gonna be quite a hit for me to buy another one in the first place. I probably have the money, but it makes things tight/cleans out the savings. Do I get the same kind I had as before, or upgrade (because I might as well given the situation)? If I upgrade, it's a lot more money, plus having to buy all new sheets. And I have no idea when I'll get refunded rent money or how much I'm going to get towards a bed purchase. I can't count on the cleaners shelling out and if they did, who knows when that would be.

Mom offered to pay for it if I refund her money won in a lawsuit, but if I can't even guarantee a lawsuit, I can't promise her that.

Do I have any power over this situation? Not for now, I don't, and I won't over everything, and a lot of tricky/tough/moneysuck things will have to be solved in the future. Is this a big pain in my ass?... well, you know.

(f) Should I buy renters' insurance? Will go consult about this one on Friday, but it'll be another money hit.

Do I have any power over this situation? Yes, but it's not something I'm wanting to think about right now either. Discussing financials and technical stuff usually flies over my head like Douglas Adams's deadlines and I don't get it.

(g) Will Heather ever resurface, or bail out on the lease the way everyone seems to think she will? I don't even want to talk about it, but lots of people have the impression that she was so traumatized by it all that she'll just want to bail and go live with her boyfriend and have him take care of her. What the hell am I supposed to do about THAT? I can't even call her really because when she's up and has free time is late at night, and I'm not exactly on a "make phone calls at midnight" schedule here. Hell, I forget a lot of the time. No, I haven't heard from her. Yes, this is ominous.

Do I have any power over this situation? No, and it makes me sick just thinking about it.

(h) With my boss's boss leaving, does that mean my job may be even more likely to be screwed come budget cuts? Yeah, let's not even go into the major uncertainties THERE, or the fact that it'll probably take another year for them to hire a replacement, and the temporary guy in charge I have been told doesn't know much about what we do.

You know the drill by now.

(i) Gee, dad's health is really really getting sucky. You've heard this one before and recently.

(j) Wisdom teeth removal issues. Which you've also heard before and recently.

Frankly, worrying about all of this makes me sick to my stomach. I can't take that any more. I like worrying about more trivial things. It's a nice distraction, plus the trivial things I could actually have positive power over.

Can you understand that?

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