Chaos Attraction

The Requisite Post-Hawaii Hangover Meltdown Entry

2014-09-30, 7:43 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

So I returned from Hawaii late Saturday night. Spent most of Sunday sleeping at Mom's and then eventually hauling ass back home, but not before indulging in a Hallmark Channel Movie called "Undercover Bridesmaid." Which was pretty blatantly "Miss Congeniality Goes To A Wedding," but delightful anyway. Then I came home and unpacked for hours and found out that my TV has stopped working and....grumble real life ick.

I will be writing up the Hawaii journal entries sometime, dunno when. My weekend will be busy and on the nights I don't have something going, I will be catching up on other shit, like watching Hulu videos before they expire.

On Monday, I went back to work. Despite it being one of those "OMG ALL HANDS ON DECK EVERYONE MUST BE SERVING ALL DAY LONG IN CASE THERE ARE CROWDS" (thankfully, there weren't that many) days which would normally fry me, I somehow didn't lose my vacation buzz all day. Usually I lose it within the first oh, hour of being back at work. I pretty much woke up today with the buzz gone, though. And work had impending drama even if it wasn't an "all hands on deck" day (another one comes Thursday, oh joy) and I had the ol' headache coming on and I am just waiting to get yelled at by some lady in Australia (don't ask), probably tomorrow. So....there went that. Real world buzzkills everything.

I had my class in figuring out what to do with my life and all that last night. I had kind of a rocky time of it. We were supposed to do a meditation on talking to our future selves and asking them how we got there. And mine was all, "How should I know? Got lucky? If you don't know, I don't know." So that didn't help. My shrink pointed out today that I can picture stuff that happened in the past fine--it already happened, there were visuals--but imagining the future that doesn't exist tends to get me nowhere. Then we did the passion test and I had a terrible time thinking of unlimited opportunities of things I wanted to do. I ended up picking my priorities based on what was the most realistic stuff to do, because "somehow make a buncha money" and things like that were just too vague to win on priorities.

I should probably point out that almost everyone else in class wants to start their own business and they were all, "Who says you can't?" and I was all, "um, have no business sense or interest or skills at that," and they were all, "so pay somebody!" Uh.... like who? I don't know anyone IRL inclined to do "the boring stuff" for me and I don't think it's a great idea to hire some random off Craigslist. I finally ended up kinda yelling "I don't trust people!" and uh, ending that conversation awkwardly.

I know you have to be an entrepreneur if you want to be a "real artist" or whatever we're calling that these days, it's a job requirement. But....I dunno, I just took some test on what your motivation is and came out with: "Your Motivation Style: Security. You need to feel financially stable and have the backing of an organization or group. You'd cringe at the the ought of going out on your own as an entrepreneur, or traveling the world solo; you gain strength from structure, whether it comes from your job, family, or community. You need to know where your next meal is coming from—not to mention the money for your next mortgage check, car payment, and dog grooming bill.." And....yeah, there you go. I don't know how to add moar moniez when I don't exactly have the knack at that.

For the record, the rest of the test:
"A score of 6 or above indicates an important motivator, while anything less than 3 has minimal importance.
Your Motivation Style: Connection: 4
Your Motivation Style: Security: 5
Your Motivation Style: Influence: 0
Your Motivation Style: Accomplishment: 4
Your Motivation Style: Enlightenment: 1"

I dunno, I can't get past certain mental blocks about shit. Some I am getting worked on in this class, and then I find new blocks or remember them or something. And have thoughts like, "I don't trust my heart to lead me anywhere. It always has steered me wrong. If I handed my heart the car keys, it would drive into the nearest wall at 50 mph in about a minute." Because lord knows if I ever try to pick something based on want instead of pure practicality, then I end up regretting it within a few minutes. Like much as I really wish I could move to Hawaii, the practicalities are just too fucking hard for me to figure out and I'd probably regret it when I ended up living in a van down by the ocean. Which is probably not a great idea when you're not a 6 foot plus white dude. Anyway, it usually seems like any time I try to do something my heart wants, everything fizzles terribly within five minutes. I lose the wanting and the energy when the practicality kicks in and lets me know this was a terrible idea.

So yeah, I'm having post-Hawaii pouting meltdown, and fall started. How about you?

I'm just gonna go catch up on some online video now. Don't get into too much trouble thinking about that.


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