Chaos Attraction

30 Days Of Truth: Hopes

2010-10-03, 9:07 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

30 Days Of Truth Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Get famous.

Beats me why this is. I thought I'd grow out of it (you know, the same way everyone else does when they decide they want a family instead), but so far no dice and I don't think it's going away. I don't even necessarily think it's a good idea. Especially in this day and age when all you are going to do is get crap about it all over the Internet and end up on YouTube and stalkers are everywhere. I can't say I feel enthusiastic about it, precisely. And I already find attention whores irritating enough without joining them.
But it... feels like some kind of weird requirement for me. Requirement for what? Damned if I know.

Being a tree-hugging hippie who is into astrology (yeah, yeah, I'm a crackpot, oh well, y'all knew this already), astrology actually seems to indicate that getting famous (or rich, har de har) is a requirement for me in this life. It's in the category of "shit you gotta get over in order to do what you're supposed to."

Of course, I'm kind of stumped as to what to do to get famous, exactly, as you saw in this entry a few days ago. It's a problem. And I'm too fat, old, and ugly for reality television :P

I have spent the last several years trying to talk myself out of this. God knows there's plenty of reasons why staying in the background is an excellent idea and I have reiterated them all to myself a million and one times, but that hasn't gotten me over the desire to make something of myself in a prominent fashion. And I tend to have thoughts along the lines of, "Well, shoot, I'm not going to be one of those women who has to try to figure out a balance between home and family and what kind of career I can have with a baby. I'm not going to have to deal with family in my future. It's a total waste for ME of all people not to be doing something awesome and interesting with my career. I shouldn't be piddling around like this." I've always thought I would have made a GREAT scientist if I could just do the damn calculus for the degree... sigh. But seriously, male-dominated industries? Or seriously life-absorbing jobs? Yeah, I could totally do that. (Can you tell I"m reading one of those "women's midlife crisis" books right now?)

Of course, this is sometime going to have to involve me going public, and I don't even do anything to promote readership of any of my various websites. Dear god, I'll be forced to Twitter. I loathe Twitter. But that's what you "have to do" these days. Ugh.

Of course, I still gotta pick a target for this, you know?

I would also like to get married... well, sorta, I'm about 50/50 on that as I usually am. I do and I don't. I don't want to be a wife, and god knows I fail at domesticity, but I'd like to see what that kind of commitment is like to have in my life. I suspect I am too much of a special damn snowflake to make this work (or at least, I'd need a particularly miraculous special snowflake who doesn't require me to act like his mom and I haven't met any of those so far), so I guess one of the 50 percent side wins by default. Oh well.... I'll live.


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