Chaos Attraction

The Drama Continues

2016-10-13, 6:43 p.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

Well, there's more work drama still going on, even if I'm not on public service any more.

This week I got pretty well told off by somebody that I shouldn't get stressed out so easily, I'm mean, I was ruining the atmosphere and if I'm not happy why don't I just leave, why aren't I all better now that I'm not doing public service any more (it's called shellshock)...I'm not going to repeat it all, but it was bad. I...don't even know what the hell to say any more, other than apparently I need to be faking cheerful at all times, or at least shutting my too-negative trap all the time. I am so goddamned tired of hearing how horrible I am. I KNOW, OKAY? I KNOW I KNOW I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE BUT HOW HORRIBLE I AMY ANY MORE. Eight hours a day of that tape going through my brain, folks.

Do people really, honestly think they are doing me a favor and being helpful saying stuff like this? Would they genuinely want me to say the same to them? I suspect the answers would be no and no, but it still happens.

I think they said something to my boss, who basically asked about my having to do a fake voice because people complained about my natural one, said, "Well, I don't think you have to do perky voice any more at this point" and that was it. He was fine, thanks.

Ironically, let's just say this person had their own moment of that somewhat soon after saying this to me. They kinda had a little blowup over something that didn't seem super huge to me, but then they were getting snippy and made another comment at me about making noise while I was eating, so I fled into the break room. I really wanted to say something like, "Look, WE ALL HAVE MOMENTS LIKE THAT, you included, even if it's over what seems "small." However, opening my trap generally doesn't do any good, so I kept mine shut.

I usually like this person, but now, well, they are not safe. Message received.

And speaking of, we had a mandatory meeting at work in which we were asked "anonymously" (which is to say, handwriting on pieces of paper for 15 minutes, except I think they know all or most of our handwriting at this point, definitely anyone who's been in public service) how we felt about the office space, workload, team spirit, things like that. Since I knew darned well I could be identified, I pretty much stuck to "WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO HIRE MORE PEOPLE, EVERYONE IS DROWNING AND WE CAN'T GET PROMOTIONS OR RAISES EITHER"-type stuff rather than getting personal or using triggery buzzwords. Some people informed me after the fact that they had, in fact, gotten personal. Well, let's just hope nobody recognizes their handwriting and good luck with that.

It does make you wonder if anything will actually happen. I'm sure our higher-ups, who are nice people but not exactly whip crackers, will be shocked and floundering upon reading this kind of thing. But after that, who knows.

I really wanted to talk to my shrink this week, but she bailed like 2 hours before "to go to the accountant." This is an emergency activity? And she's out next week. Grrrr.


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