Note: this is most likely written under the influence of SAD, because dark and cold is making me cranky. I was also been listening to an EFT seminar online as I wrote most of this...

I’m not super thrilled with my life choices lately.

Months ago, I quit taking the EFT/tapping classes I had been taking for a year. I did this entirely because the next series was going to be six months long rather than the previous three, on the same nights that improv team shows go on, and I could only do one or the other and had to commit right then. I might have signed up again for another 3 month stint, but at the time I was all, “in three months I’m eligible to join an improv team* and hopefully I will be working towards that and that’s my goal, so I need to focus on that.” Hell, I went through life coaching this year and the only real concrete plan I had for anything (other than “dear god, get a job somehow, I dunno how that’s gonna happen”) was what improv classes I was going to take: 201, musical improv, 301, hopefully get good enough to make it to a team sometime.

* explanation: at the comedy school I have been attending, you spend Improv 101 and 201 learning the long form “Harold” improv structure, I was about to start 201 at the time I had to make this decision. At the time, you were eligible to be chosen for a team after you finished 201, and that was all I knew about the process.

So I did that, and then it turned out that ah, trying to get on a team is probably going to take a lot longer than a few months. I should have just done tapping, probably, because now I’m way out of the habit and it turned out not to matter that I had that specific night free every week for improv team shows. What was more important was having another night free for improv practices, which turned out to be what you do in order to audition for a team and they don’t tell you that until 201’s graduation night.

I signed up for musical improv for the fall, and then it got canceled. I had to rearrange my schedule to take it, in such a way that it meant I couldn’t make the improv practices. By the time the class got canceled, I COULD have, at the last minute, tried to switch my schedule around so I could go to practices again. But I was told they were going to start some workshops on Tuesday nights instead, one of them being musical improv, so I was all, “I guess I’ll stick with things as they are, then.”

But they never did do those Tuesday workshops, and I basically wasted time and puttered and now that The Darkness has kicked in, I have no motivation to drive out there in the dark dark dark cold crazy (seriously, I’m kinda afraid to cross the streets on foot in the dark right now) to even do the drop-ins. I haven’t even gone to my favorite shows because UGH DARK COLD DON’T WANNA MOVE FROM COUCH. It would probably be motivating for me to get out of here at night and do some improv (it’s lab night, drop-in class), but ...wah, cold, dark, TV is on. And I am normally pretty hyper, so that’s saying something. Heck, I just had a deep thought: I may despise the month of January, but one good thing about it is that it isn’t QUITE as dark when you leave work, and it’s slightly improving.

Meanwhile, I just found out that they’re changing their team process: either you get invited to perform on a team when a performance space becomes available, or you can now do auditions that they will do several times a year. I’m not sure what to make of that, but I could feel the mojo plummeting some more and I think I’m pretty darn sure I won’t be making a team any time soon…or far, probably.

So basically my motivation has kinda flushed down the toilet. I did a brief “emergency” phone call with my shrink about this stuff yesterday and she was all, it’s the time of year/weather and everyone’s doing it, me included.

I made my decisions in the best way I could at the time with VERY partial information, and yet they all turned out to be wrong. That is very frustrating. I felt like I was moving, at least somewhat, at the time, and now I feel very halted.

I’m tired of trying different things to try to get me UP AND GOING. Is anything I’ve tried (therapy, EFT, actually performing, life coaching, going for other jobs) working? Or did it only work a little bit and then peter out? I’ve been feeling like whatever mojo I had is dying and I’m sick of things dying off in me when I don’t want them to. Out of exhaustion, mostly-- it’s like if I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for it (har) and it doesn’t happen, my soul is all, “This isn’t happening, I’m sick of waiting and I can’t do it any more, fuck this, I’m moving on and stopping wanting this.” And even though intellectually I still want it, my feelings keel over dead. I don’t want to drop out of things like improv, but the impetus to go and believe is not driving me right now. So what’s left?

Uh, craft projects is what’s left, because the only motivation I have is to work on those. I finished Mom’s poncho (with a bigger neck), I made a necklace for Jess for her birthday and then I remembered while looking for supplies, “Oh yeah, I was going to make up some cross stitch of “Behold the field in which I grow my fucks” sampler!,” so now I’m going to pull a design out of my behind and see how quickly I can do it…of course her birthday is next Tuesday and there’s package mailing to be dealt with, so…yeah, I dunno on this. I don’t even have time to design a quality pattern for it, I just gotta go, go, go!

It’s interesting how the only thing I sustain motivation on is making stuff. I wonder why that’s different and everything else isn’t. Maybe it’s because I get a lot less judgment on those?

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