Chaos Attraction

I'll Always Be Writing This Meme

2017-12-31, 8:40 a.m.

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So apparently the notifylist stopped working and nobody said anything about it to me and I can't find anything about it. Grrr. Have now replaced with TinyLetter.

Check out today’s Sally Forth. It's a good one.

Last year I said, “Should I really keep doing this meme when nothing much changes? Or should I do it because god only knows what will have happened between the “same old, more or less” of 2016 and the trumpocalype of 2017?” In the end, I’m doing it because well, it’s kind of a thing to do. I spent my Saturday at Meg’s spinning group, creating a bunch of color mixed yarn to spin later, followed by taking a walk on the beach walk. Very nice for me but not much to recount for today’s entry. Also, Meg has keeled over early and gone to bed, so we’re not up doing anything else and I have the time to watch Runaways while the dog sleeps on my lap, so I might as well.

(Though I did get to hold a puppy today! Very cute! And named Lily!)

Anyway....


1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?
* Went to some protests.
* Founded a lunchtime knitting group at work.
* Went to a strip show!
* Was a bridesmaid!
* Accidentally lost and regained my driver’s license.
* Buried a dead animal.
* Saw Hillary Clinton.
* Actually took an acting class in which I learned to act.
* Got into a show
* Went to storytelling festivals and performed there
* Took voice lessons to make myself less horrible.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

From last year:
This year’s resolutions are (a) job hunt more and (b) look into dealing with creepy privacy issues and taking measures that I should be doing but don’t want to. I bought a very depressing book on this that I didn’t want but should be doing, just by virtue of being female, plus well, other developments this year. (Also: anyone with a LiveJournal account probably needs to get rid of it right about now. Done.) Oh yeah, and (c) rehab my voice so it doesn’t make half the planet want to stab me dead every time I open my mouth.

Last year’s resolutions:
(a) I got two job interviews, but of course nothing panned out there. I’m slightly bummed about one of them but only because the people were nice more than the actual work, and the other one I am fine with not getting.
(b) Still haven’t done the privacy measures but did delete the LiveJournal.
(c) Did take voice lessons.

This year: I know what I’d like to do but in the end probably won’t do them because I am still stumped as to how to do them. See the rant at the bottom after this is done.

The one resolution I’m willing to put down here is to write more in this journal than I did in 2017. Because doing catchup at the end of the year is loooooooooooong and I need to write down details for material.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? None, as usual.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

Last year I said, “More money and a less stressful job where I don't serve the public. Also, a goal and a plan.” The same applies again because nothing changes. Well, I don’t full time serve the public any more, but it’s still somewhat happening.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don’t think any will? None come to mind now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not getting fired or getting in any trouble for the last eight months is HUGE at my job.
Getting into a show and learning how to act.
Working on storytelling.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I’m really disappointed in myself for doing something stupid I knew wouldn’t end well and doing it anyway.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Books, probably. Same answer as usual.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My friends.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
People at work. Half of our country.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Car repairs. I actually haven’t been too into the fairs lately.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Storytelling and drama class.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
None come to mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

I am the same in all regards. Nothing changes. Again. See at the bottom of this entry.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Journal writing, because I stopped doing it for almost all of the year and man, it’s hard to catch up later.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Considering doing something I knew better than to do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Watching Hallmark and looking at lights.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?
Nope, and I never will again.

22. How many one-night stands? Yeah, RIGHT. Also, who actually answers this question?

23: What was your favorite TV program?
Hm....The Good Place?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes, or at least I am really feeling unhappy with their behavior in a way I wasn’t before. I am burned.

25. What was the best book you read?

5 star reviews:
Jane, Unlimited, Lincoln, Consider.

4.5 star reviews:
What Happened. All Our Wrong Todays, Born A Crime, Phantom Pains, Moranifesto.

New authors discovered this year that stood out:Trevor Noah, Brittany Cavallaro, Kristin Cashore, Kristy Acevedo.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None that I can recall. Looking at what music I bought this last year, it’s from artists I was already listening to last year.

27. What did you want and get?

Books and a fancy skirt.

28. What did you want and not get?

A response from a certain person. Gifts I wasn’t already aware I was going to get.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Nothing comes to mind other than maybe claiming the Thor movie?

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 39 and did nothing much because it was a Monday.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A more peaceful and lucrative job. This answer never changes.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Same as usual. I did get new hair recently though.

33. What kept you sane?
Alcohol and distraction. Same answer as ever.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have stopped fancying anyone and don't think I ever will again. Same as last year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
All of them.

36. Who did you miss?
Same people as usual.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I liked the folks in drama class, though I probably won’t see any of them again except my director (squee, I have one!). I liked the folks at the storytelling festivals.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
No good comes from talking to exes.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I see no point in changing the lyric I used last year: “Next year might be better, but I don’t see any proof.”


Here’s the thing, folks: I am very, very tired of everything being the same every year. I write this entry every year since 2000whatever and will still be writing it next year, five years, fifteen years from now unless I get fired. Things will probably be just about the same, more or less, except for things being fairly likely to get worse on some levels.

I am sometimes seriously wondering if I am having a breakdown. Except I never do actually collapse or start screaming or snapping and quit my job to become a homeless bum, and I don’t quite think I’ll ever get that bad because I am too practical for such a thing. But sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it any more, except what other option do I have but to take it? It’s like when my dad was sick: I had long since hit my limit on what I could deal with on that years before he died, but it’s not like I could opt out. I can’t just say “I’m DONE with this” and be done.

Work: I’ve been working here for fifteen years and stopped enjoying it around five years ago. I’m good at but bored of what I do, I’m tired of the emotional work dramas, etc. However, I don’t qualify for jobs here any more (I am trying to join committees and take classes to remedy this, but it’s not going awesomely, mostly for reasons not under my control) and I really haven’t seen anything better listed elsewhere.

I am literally not seeing any other options beyond “start your own business,” which is something my friends and I always say we should do and we’re clearly all about as excited about doing it as we are about going to the dentist. I am sick of being a clerical worker but can’t find anything else I qualify for now (writing jobs, well, I no longer qualify for those when I apply and I can’t say I blame them since I last wrote for pay in 1999) that doesn’t involve service and helping people. Typing for money is the only skill I have, and that’s common like dirt.

And everyone I know is feeling the same way all the time. Everyone is job hunting and finding nothing out there. (Though Jackie right now is doing well, we never know in her line of work and she’s had a rough bunch of years before it and who knows what's next after this run of contracting is over.) There appears to be no reasonable way of escape that I have been able to find. Seriously, “play lottery and win” seems to be the most likely scenario of my getting out in a way that doesn’t involve death or firing, and how ridiculous is that? One way or another I need a reasonable day job and I’m stumped and so is everyone else.

Round and round and round I go, where this stops, nobody knows. Where’s the exit, nobody knows. Repeat forever.

Life in town: I’m ready to move on from this town. I like it, but I’ve been here 20 years and I’m kinda tired of everything. But how am I gong to come up with the money to move? Or get another job elsewhere? See above.

It’d probably be a good idea if I got another car since this one has been pretty expensive lately. See above money remarks on that one, plus I did stupid things in the past to NOT develop credit that means that getting some kind of loan/deal/whatever is not feasible for the time being. I think I have another year and two months before I qualify for anything, last I checked. Reasonably speaking, if I ever don’t have this car any more for some reason, I can’t replace it without assistance (not counting on that), so I guess I’ll have more money as I go carfree again, but that limits my life in ways I’m not happy about since I’ve been enjoying my freedom to go act and stuff. Oh yeah, and if I ever got another job, but see above.

Any recreational/hobby/side career: I’m still trying to find a stage that will have me on a regular basis. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen or not, though for right now I’ve got something finally going for me and a reason to actually look forward to the month of January. I’m still trying to work on this, though I am not sure if it’s going to, if I run out of options around here to try, etc. I found somewhere else to take classes at in the future (hopefully they’ll offer things again come spring?) since I have run out at the Spot and ARC. If I just take enough classes, at least I feel like I’m doing something, eh?

I also feel like I should care about getting something published, but...I dunno, somehow I don’t find publishing exciting and when one can slap any ol’ shit online in five minutes if one is so inclined....

My lack of a love life: I’m at the point of reconsidering having one again since Mom is occupied and at this point less likely to be crazy on the topic than she was in the past. I have zero interest in dating apps (if I am so picky I swipe the entire population left, why bother?), but it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that I should at some point run into someone I’d find attractive, doing something I also like doing, and hit it off. And yet, why don't I? My radar works in person and I’d rather not meet someone in Dating Context because one of the scariest things in the world to do is telling a guy you don’t want to fuck him. I’m not uh, overly concerned on this topic because it’s very, very low on the priority list compared to work and everything else, and is in the “nothing’s gonna happen unless an act of God occurs” category anyway, but since this issue has reared its ugly head this month, I’m mentioning it.

From this breakdown link: “A crisis represents an appetite for growth that hasn’t found another way of expressing itself.”

Yeah, that’s about right. I’m ready to grow and I haven’t found a way to do it. I’m tired of playing small and being small and eating shit all the time to make a living. I feel like I need to be doing something bigger in life than this. And I kinda feel like at my age it’s gonna hit a point of no return if I don’t do something soon. (Which is dumb, insert lectures on late bloomers who bloomed at age 80, certain people who apparently took up ballet over 40, etc.)

Buuuuuuuuuuut.....how? I’m doing some motion on the drama front but otherwise am not really getting anywhere. I know I should work more on job applications, but lord, I can’t get motivated to apply for more of the same and have the same old story play out. I’m tired of the same shitty stories happening anyway. If some kind of act of God move doesn’t happen, what else is there?

Also, there’s the whopping fear of “what happens if people start noticing me and then I get attacked,” except of course that’s already happened on a minor level now just by going to work. I don’t even know how to get over that one, and I’ve been trying to for years.

I would like to make some resolutions and changes, but am stumped. And here’s how stupid I’ve gotten about it: I was considering paying up for a psychic who supposedly would talk with your guides about what your options are and what would happen if you did option A vs B and maybe suggest options C and D. Since my intuition about things has been on the fritz for years except for when it comes to driving on the freeway (something that happens with me in times of turmoil), I’ve been considering it since I am out of ideas to answer it for myself worth a damn. And also, that Albert Einstein quote about how you can’t solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. But at the same time...yeah, yeah, hucksters, could just spend that money on yarn instead, etc. What finally decided it for me was I was reading an interview with the one I was considering and then in the comments someone said, “I just got a consultation and all she did was tell me to listen and meditate.” Literally everyone on the planet who’s a hippie sort is going to tell you to do that, and you don’t need to pay up that amount of money to hear that same old shit. Upon doing more research into this, I found a few folks here and there who swore they got a helpful reading and then a lot more who said they just got something generic like this. So never mind that idea.

Bottom line: at this point I’d like to be different and/or do different, but how? I don’t want to end up in depression super collapse or start having a screaming fit at work or quit and become homeless and murdered on the street because my soul is going “waaaaaaaaaah,” but...???????


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