Yes, I did get to doing a few of these. Hopefully, more to come... currently planning on doing just SW4 for the time being and seeing how that goes.

The Very Secret Diary of Han Solo:

Day 1:

Man, Jabba the Hutt is still on my ass about that money. Like it was my fault or something I got boarded. Even the best get boarded sometimes, dammit. Think Jabba's pissiness isn't really about the money, but that I rejected his advances at the last party. You'd think he'd be chasing the hot green dancing girls more, but nooo, he had to call me Captain Tightpants and want to see if my blaster "was in perfect working order." *shudder* Damn sex-switching jumbo blobs of Gundark spit!

Though speaking of ass, it sure has been a long time since I got some. Found myself even checking out Chewie's the other day, which should show how desperate I’ve become since I don’t normally swing for fur. I even semi-reasonably considered it until I realized that (a) he's got a wife and children at home, and (b) it'd be like doing a rug (c) that could rip off your dick if you didn't perform to satisfaction. (And if you think that’s bad, you should see what the straight female Wookiies do to ya!)

Think I'll just stick to finding a nice whore down in Mos Eisely and hope she doesn't give me the clap again. Bacta on your privates gets awfully sticky to get out of the carpet, if you know what I mean.

Day 2:

Well, Mos Eisely was a real barrel of laughs. First, I get there and there seem to be no furless hookers in the joint. Then we manage to scrounge us up some business (piloting, not er, the other kind). And I do mean “scrounge.” Some old man offering a ton of cash to get him and his twerpy little boytoy (I don’t wanna know) and their droids to Alderaan while ducking the Imperials. No problem there.

While the rest of them took off, I settled down for a nice drink, which is when that asswipe Greedo shows up, all “Hee hee hee, I’m so going to bust your ass, nyah nyah nyah!” Great timing, eh? Goddamn bounty hunters all need to be shot. Oh, wait, I just did shoot one. Hah. Yay me.

And speaking of shots, who was there to greet us at the docking bay? Why, the Imperials! I should raise my price for hazard pay.

Day 3:

Am obviously quite bored in mid-trip, as have nothing bloody else to do but watch the passengers like a bunch of circus freaks. The astrodroid (R2) is playing chess with Chewie, and isn’t so good on learning how to lose yet. I don’t know why I warned him of that- would have been more fun to watch Chewie rip his arms off if he tried anything. Damn do-gooding notions. I need to drink more beer and hope those things submerge again. Meanwhile, Luke (the twerp) is batting around at a remote with a blinder on. Let’s hope he doesn’t slash up the joint, or Mister Jedi. Wish I had a camera to record the stupidity of the moment. Ancient religions and their teachings are such a load of bloody useless crap.

Day 4:

Do we still get paid if Alderaan somehow ceased to exist? Somehow I think not.

Fuck.

Day 5:

Am currently trapped on the Empire’s new Death Star, a big ol’ floating planet o' death, wearing this goddamn white stormtrooper uniform that REALLY gives you a wedgie. Though at least it stuffs your crotch nice. Fucking tractor beams of doom. Luke and I managed to knock out a few guys and rip off their uniforms. Have no idea where the old man got off to. Meanwhile, Luke’s insisting we go rescue some la-di-dah Alderaanian princess from execution. Oh yeah, that oughta be a real barrel of laughs. But much as I don’t want to do this, I need to make up that lost passage fee somehow… or my ass ends up... man, I don’t even want to think about it.

Later:

That princess is a biyotch. B-I-T-C-H. If she wasn’t wearing white, I’d blame it on that time of the month, but since that’s not the case, I guess that just means she’s naturally cranky. Oh goody. She’s real brilliant, too, leading us straight into a CRUSHING GARBAGE CHUTE with giant snakes and God knows what else in it, right before crushing time. I don’t need to get that close to ANYBODY, thank you very much. They don’t call me Solo because I get up close and personal with snotty brunettes, ahem. And then after she screwed up, she has the nerve to tell me to do what she says! ME! I’m no Alderaanian subject, thankyouverymuch. Besides, doing what she tells you could very well get you killed.

AND she insulted my ship. I’m amazed I haven’t strangled her yet. There’d better be a FAT reward for this, or I’m kicking both her and Luke out the top of the Falcon. Or siccing Chewie on them, whichever seems more fun.

Day 6:

Well, the good news is that we’re off the Death Star. The bad news is (a) the old man sacrificed himself for us so we could get away, which is giving me some secret guilty pangs, UGH, and (b) Her Royal Fucking Highness is aboard. ‘Nuff said. Oh yeah, did I mention that she told me they put a tracking beam on my ship? On MY ship? I am so dumping her off at the first opportunity. Did get some mild amusement fucking with little Luke’s head by asking him if she’d go for me, though. Dude’s already got a crush, the poor bastard. She probably castrates on the first date.

Day 7:

Am currently on the lovely vacation planet of Yavin, where the secret rebel base is located. Oooh, I just told a secret, aren’t I bad. So can’t wait to bail out of this joint. Hanging around the soon-to-be-dead is not cheery. Chewie giving me pity looks isn’t helping. Besides, I’ve got other plans, like paying off Jabba and making sure I don’t become his “mascot.” Yay money.

Day 8:

Aw crap. I seriously wonder if one of my parents Jewish sometimes- I’ve got a good nose, have a big dick, and a guilt trip the size of a Sarlaac.

Oh well, at least shooting people is fun.

Day 9:

Huh. Wouldn’t you know it, Luke can sure shoot. Not that I’m bad myself, heh heh heh. Anyway, the Death Star’s been nuked and all is party central in the jungle. Do a little dance, make a little love… heh heh heh.

Where’s Her Royal Fucking Highness, anyway?

I think I impressed her. Heh. I’m such a stud.

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