Chaos Attraction

The Final Hallmark Reviews of 2022

2023-01-02, 4:20 p.m.

Nothing going on today at all. Here's the rest of my Hallmark reviews for the actual Hallmark Channel, minus "Hanukkah on Rye" because I apparently forgot to put in to get that recorded, now it's too late, and now I'm really sad. I'm not going to bother to review the mysteries channel ones at this point, also I tend to like those less because they are serious and sad, so fuck it.


A Fabled Holiday:

So we've had "A Magical Christmas Village" (which was not very) and we've had the return of Garland, Alaska in "A Cozy Christmas Inn." However, this movie did actually manage to make a much better literal magical village than the other two, so props for that! This movie features a Christmas children's book called "Welcome to Wunderbrook," which the hero and heroine encounter as kids, along with a lifelong invite to the "Gingerbread Inn" there and it says you can't find the place without being lost, or something like that.

As adults, five people show up at the Gingerbread Inn under unusual circumstances (in the case of Talia, she tried calling a friend and got the inn). Talia is a writer whose career isn't going very well, and Anderson is her childhood friend who became a doctor and put himself on leave after the death of a patient. There's also an estranged married couple and a widower guy, Charles. It's made pretty clear that the owners/staff of the inn are Putting Something On and it's not just the Week of Wunder. However, one of those people, Mildred, has definitely soured on the holiday stuff and is not as in the spirit as the rest of them. She and Charles, who's mopey after his wife's death, bond some. However, she does have one very dramatic moment where she snaps at Anderson and even brings up the death, to the point where I was gobsmacked to see/hear this in a Hallmark movie. ("Way harsh, Tai," comes to mind.) Like DAAAAAAAAAMN!

Eventually everyone figures out that yes, they've all read the Wunderbrook book as kids, and Talia reasonably wonders about this. Like the couple who runs the inn absolutely FREEZING UP when someone jokingly refers to them as "the king and queen" of the town. "I just meant that you're the mayor and she runs things!" Finally, Anderson has an epiphany after treating Charles for a brief moment of blood pressure droppage, and he hears magical chimes go off. The family actually explains that yes, they are king/queen/princess and "this town is from a made-up Christmas fable," with 17 minutes to go. This is eventually validated to Talia upon her own writer's epiphany. And Charles elects to stay in Wunderbrook indefinitely.

The townspeople are reasonably worried that with the book being old and losing popularity, Talia writes "Another Wunderbrook Christmas" (the previous author doesn't mind, as he's narrating this story), solving that problem. I think this show handled "magical village" pretty well compared to other ones, and the people in this are sweet (except Mildred), but I appreciated that we had an acerbic POV in a Hallmark. So, four stars. And Ryan Paevey and Brook d'Orsay give good Hallmark, as ever.


Undercover Holiday:

Jaylen is a crossover artist (or budding, anyway) Spanish-language pop star with lovely hair who unexpectedly won some singing contest/competition/something (I'm unclear). Upon having some suspicious incidents happen, the label gets her a bodyguard, Matt, formerly of Special Forces. Jaylen's family, being from Mexico, is going to freak out if she openly brings a bodyguard home (they already lose it when the incident makes it on TV), so Jay claims he's her boyfriend. Beyond that, everyone's having out and having a great Mexican Christmas time and it's all very cute and sweet.
Turns out the guy leaving notes was her ex, Eddie. Jaylen gives a great tell-off-everyone speech upon finding this out, telling people they can love each other and need space, Matt's a bodyguard, etc. By the end, Matt's on her lawn in his Wise Man costume, apologizing and it's adorable. They give each other very cute looks, and the family is adorable and adopting. Four stars.

Quotes:
Benny, Jaylen's agent:

"You're like the daughter I never had."
"You have two daughters, Benny."
"Yeah, but they're five. You're like the grown up daughter I never had."

"Where are you from again?"
"Squirrel Hollow."
"That is made up. That's GOTTA Be made up."

Jaylen to Matt:
"This is my best friend and personal assistant, YO UDO NOT HAVE TO CUFF HER."
"We're not lying, we're fabricating a backstory." "So, lying."
"This hasn't been professional since you put on a Wise Man costume."

Jaylen on her best friend/rival Lorelai: "She was Belle, I was the fork." I hear ya! "She was Annie, and I was the dog."

Mom and Jaylen:
"Find a man who will jump in front of a moving train to save you....It's very clear he'll jump in front of a train for you!"
"There's a reason for that."


The Most Colorful Time Of The Year:

I heard this was one of the most dubious Hallmarks this year....I give it props for Original Plot, for sure, and it makes for fun visuals, but you kinda gotta wonder on the dubiousness of this movie being a science-y one (not "magic glasses" really, someone came up with a trial for fixing colorblindness with glasses) and someone coming up with a pair of glasses that cures color-blindedness. Like that'd be awesome if that was real, but if it's not real, it just makes you sad if you have that condition? It'd be like "oh, we cured diabetes in this movie, let's eat a shit ton of cookies and drink a ton of Slurpees now!"

Ryan Taylor is a color-blind science teacher who doesn't bother to go to the eye doctor (he has 20/20 vision) and his parents were too broke for eye exams and it took him awhile to suspect he didn't see the same things everyone else did. However, he either didn't do anything about it, didn't want to worry his parents, and/or "tried everything," so he just learned to deal with it. However, I feel like we hear different stories out of Ryan about this? That and his previous colorblind eye exam being "classified," which made me go WHUT, how are your parents so poor they can't afford doctor visits but one of them works in a field with things being classified?! Like...they somehow didn't have money/insurance if they worked for the government? Like I hear stuff out of Roger because he worked in classified work and it sounds like it pays well and had insurance for doctor visits? I feel like this movie got overspecified for this particular issue.

One optometrist lady (Dr. Michelle Stevens) offers free eye exams--"You've never gone to the optometrist?" and "When is health care ever FREE in America?!"-- and forces Mr. Tanner to get one. Obviously he's fine, and guesses right that her shirt is blue. But when her daughter Bailey does a presentation on why we see color and insists on bringing a light up tree into his classroom--I note he doesn't permit decorations in the room because they are distracting--and then mom makes him guess multiple times on the colors of candy--she's pretty sure.

Michelle is unfortunately a diehard noodge, as is her kid, and she keeps bugging him (as does Bailey) to get into a new glasses trial. and when he doesn't get back to her soon enough, she fills out the form for him and enters him without his consent. This seems entirely unethical for a doctor to do, like I would guess perhaps there is some kind of regulation against it. Also, HOW?! Does she know his HMO and have his medical information or HMO ID#? Did she fake his signature? And yes, he notices this when he gets into the trial and she has to tell him what she did. But Ryan eventually caves in, because "I got the feeling you wouldn't give up until I did." TRUE, she admits. Eventually he puts them on, AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL NOW and becomes a montage of fun Christmas things, as it should be at Hallmark. He decks the halls! He gets an ugly sweater! Conveniently, Bailey's science class is getting switched next term, so it'll be A-OK to date the teacher! I do appreciate that for once, Hallmark notes this is an issue and fixes it.

Ryan is also ignorant of how mistletoe works, because he doesn't watch Christmas movies. Obviously this is where his Christmas resentment comes from, not feeling the joy that everyone else is literally seeing. I don't judge this, sounds fair, but pop cultural osmosis exists, so where the heck has he been to not hear about it from others? Obviously he's a handsome dude and every single lady in this show is eating his eye candy, nobody tried to make that move? In other odd things, Ryan also notices that he couldn't SMELL anything either until the glasses were on. "Yeah, it's probably a combination of all of that," the medical professional who doesn't study noses says. Me: Googles for this and um, no.

I need to mention another problem: Michelle has some stalker ex named Matt who she is clearly FREAKED THE HELL OUT BY. (He's not Bailey's dad.) She gets OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY NERVOUS whenever he "pops up" or "pops by" or insists that he wants to go to Bailey's Christmas concert. Bailey is obviously BARELY POLITE and "Why is he here?!" when he shows up. Matt is a "dollars and cents" guy and straight up asks what Ryan's salary is. Ryan gives a speech about being called to be a teacher and the pay doesn't matter. Michelle literally breaks up with Matt (again) on the SPOT after that. Really, this is all a stupid Big Mis about whether or not Ryan dates the gym teacher who's into him (he politely rejects her off camera) and whether or not she's dating Matt, but all is soon well and he's spending Christmas morning at her house, like there's nothing sudden or weird about that.

Um....this gets three stars. Some aspects of this are good and others are HIGHLY DUBIOUS.

From that one review:
"I just do not understand why, when faced with the indisputable fact that they must create a movie about an optometrist and her color-blind love interest, these writers felt the need to make Dr. Stevens a monster who can’t take no for an answer! " (Or just have him say yes?)


Christmas Class Reunion:

This is one of the best Hallmarks this year. SO. GOOD.

Aimee Teagarden is Elle (short for Noelle!), class president, went to Stanford, is now CTO of a tech company in SF, big success...but meanwhile her company is getting investigated by the Feds, so that's not going to last long. This shit goes down while she's in her hometown putting on the 15th year high school reunion. She's part of "the cursed class" of 2007, which had various disastrous events take out their senior year and previous reunions, so she decides to hold it at Christmas while people are home to actually get people here. And that's going to go well...y'know, until the hotel they're using ends up on fire.

Devon was Elle's VP in high school and the "party animal" guy. We start out with a high school flashback in which Devon doesn't show up to planning events, but DID engineer a surprise snow machine, which then broke and dumped water all over Elle's head. (Not pig blood, at least.) The principal also snarked at his "inexplicable" election. However, he got a girl pregnant in college and has shaped up VERY nicely, taking over his family's rental company, is very responsible, and a good dad. And his kid Sydney came out a total computer programming nerd AND IS SUPER ADORABLE. Devon's been hired to work on the event even though he doesn't really want to attend it, but is super helpful to Elle about finding a replacement venue and the like.

I note that Elle had a crush on Cam, the saludatorian, but it never got off the ground. Well, he's certainly interested now, and they have some vibe as well, but when Devon is supportive about her career fall and Cam is all "here's how we can cover your reputation," Elle has a change of heart as to what she wants to go for. In all honesty I'm fine with both dudes (nothing really wrong with Cam, actually), but Elle and Adult Devon together are cute as shit, and Sydney is cute as shit, and I love them. I also continued to be amused at "the cursed class" having a blackout right as Elle announces that the curse is over. Other sideplots include the class couple which almost breaks up, but doesn't, and a newscaster lady who learns not to wait around on validation and then gets a validating job. Less interested in this, but that's fine.

This movie was an absolute delight. Four stars.


Holiday Heritage

Ella's family has been more or less fighting/feuding/estranged in a quiet sort of way(?) since the grandfather died, and grandfather expected her to keep them together. Now her mother wants to move away to Chicago forever, and Ella feels like they all need to reunite at Kwanzaa, along with her ex-boyfriend Griffin, who's still hanging around even after she more or less broke up with him (?) to move to Boston.

Quote from Ella and her best friend on that topic:
"We agreed to be friends." "That's terrible!"

Having always been curious about Kwanzaa but um, I'm an evil white person, I appreciate that they finally did a Kwanzaa movie since nobody I know IRL celebrates it (or admits to doing so, I suppose). I still remember in high school when we got all excited about one guy in school doing it, and he came back from winter break and all he would say about it was "Black Christmas." So it's nice to see another holiday on the channel and see how they do it. I admit beyond that it's a "serious" movie and thus not the sort of inadvertent (or sometimes deliberate) quirk I am into in Hallmark--which is to say, seems more Movies and Mysteries channel. So, not super exciting to watch, but pleasant. So, three stars.

I did kind of like when they started talking about their purpose and what issues/conflicts they were having about it. I also love that Holly Robinson Peete got some really spectacular hair this year--long, braids, blonde streaks in the braids. When she had the ponytail up in particular was gorgeous and regal.


Twas the Night Before Christmas.

I love the premise of this, but the ending just kinda made me go WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

Madison, a TV actress, is doing her first directing gig in Troy, NY, known for (a) being the town where the poem "Twas The Night Before Christmas" was published anonymously, with Clement Moore claiming authorship a bunch of years later, and (b) some other guy named Major Henry Livingston is also posited as another possible author of the poem. The tradition in Troy is to do some kind of "Christmas trial" play debating Christmas issues. The lawyer for Moore is Connor, a sweet hottie dad who went to law school but never passed the bar (unsure if he ever tried it, actually, since he hit it off as an actor in college). He's adorable. He and Madison have chemistry, but in all honesty this movie doesn't do much on the romance side so I'm not gonna really talk about that.

The lawyer for Livingston, well...they could only get one producer, Jefferson, to do the show and he would only do it if his hand model girlfriend Lena got the other part. Lena's a nice girl and willing to work, but seems to have never done acting before. At one point Madison tries to explain acting to her by creating a gingerbread house, which is...iffy, but I guess worked for her later on?.... I note that Lena somehow gets some acting gig in New Zealand at the end of the month(!), so she ends up bailing on the show and Madison (of course) has to go back to acting (as her agent has been reiterating). Then the producer bails because Lena was his only reason to do that, but I'm unclear as to what happens to the show? Some other lady was interested in putting it on elsewhere, I know that much.

Really, the main thing about this show is that THE GHOSTS OF LIVINGSTON AND MOORE SHOW UP AND JOIN THE PLAY, and it seems pretty obvious they are ghost-y but everyone just ignores it and goes, "Did anyone get their contact info?" "Hm, no, he just disappeared. Must be one of those Victorian cosplayers that just wanders around town here." Nobody ever seems to figure out the ghost thing. Livingston shows up claiming it's his, then Moore shows up claiming it's his (I do think Moore seems a wee bit hinky about it). All the people involved in the show have no idea if these dudes will show for the actual show, but they're just gonna...improv it? (I want to know who wrote this show and how much they are complaining about it.)

Here's the thing: Livingston doesn't show up AT ALL on show night--apparently Moore tricked him somehow?--and Moore is the only one to argue a case, so he wins. Then they poof back in at the end and are all "we'll do it again next year?" And I'm all WHUT WAS THIS?! I wanted them both to argue, dammit, and I concur that there's a few factual points about Moore's arguments that seem a bit weird. He argues back with Madison that a person can have more than one interest, and that...wins? Huh?

Two and a half stars. Could have been good, but the end crapped out, and also nobody figuring out it's ghosts is also dumb.


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