Chaos Attraction

Late NYR's

2007-01-03, 10:26 a.m.

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Okay, I wasn't going to do these things, being too frigging tired to get motivated right now.

I wanted to start doing a JaNoWriMo rewrite from scratch on the novel from last year (not the NaNo), starting on the 2nd. But I wanted to get some prewriting work done on it beforehand during my so-called "vacation," and all I got in was a couple of hours while on the train. Otherwise, if I was caught sitting by myself doing anything but cleaning, I'd get bitched out, so... I swear, I only got Holidailies done because once in a while she'd leave the house without insisting I come along, or she'd take a shower.

Yeah, I could just start from scratch AGAIN, but I'd rather not. Mainly because like my friend Richard, I have completely lost track as to where it was going in the first place. And I never had an overall outline done before I began (mainly because...say it with me...I started it in January with no pre-planning because I didn't get to do any in December. Stupid presents and family.), which was the problem in the first place with it petering out.

Argh. So much for that goal. Well, maybe later. I dunno when, though. Mom's "Gee, when should I pick a date to kill Dad?" talk of late is making me wonder if I should make plans for the next few months. Maybe March would be a better month to try that in?

But then I read this:
"My quota, starting today (January 1, despite the fact that I'm writing this on the second) is 1,500 words a day. That can be here, or in stories, or whatever -- though I now have an aim to have something on here each and every day, whether fifteen hundred words or not. I won't count Livejournal posts to that quota, mind, unless said Livejournal post is a proper essay (which most of them aren't.)"

Okay, that's a good idea. Get SOME AMOUNT of writing done, even if it isn't necessarily publishable fiction. Blogging about silly links and one-off LJ posts bitching about something don't count, but getting some book reviews out (I am SEVERELY behind on that), or writing an entry over here, or writing anything else useful, does.

I don't think I could pull off the peeing idea, but this could be doable. (I'd certainly make goal today, since I'm writing this on the 2nd.)

I actually did some writing on the ripping-off-Joan-Didion thing I mentioned wanting to try last night. I actually shut off my Netflix and made myself write something. Good for me.


Back to the depressing stuff: now Mom and I are getting into it about cremation.

I know everyone just luuuuvs cremation. Everyone wants to get their ashes scattered somewhere romantic these days.

Not me. I keep thinking of various comedy things done with people's ashes like oh, eating them, spilling them, etc. The idea of having a portable corpse you can keep in your own home (or put into a diamond, or whatever) grosses me out- people should go into the ground, dangit. The whole burning bodies/crematorium thing grosses me out. Plus there's the weird tendency in my family to bury all the ashes in a mass grave...yes, we're German, but do we have to act like THAT?! Ew! We're not Nazis, but you wouldn't know it from our burial practices.

(The only consolation in all of this is that Dad probably won't be put in the mass grave with my aunt and my grandparents. Dad would HATE being buried with my grandfather, who he didn't like and thought was a big ol' moocher. HAAAAAAAAAAAATE. I bet he'd come back and haunt Mom if she did that. Alas, that doesn't mean she wouldn't bury ME in the mass grave were I to bite it, I suspect.)

However, it costs like a katrilion dollars to not cremate. So, despite my disgust for the whole thing, I told Mom to cremate him.

You'd think this would be the end of the argument, but nooooooo. She wants me to feel good and warm and snuggly about the decision, and keeps saying, "This is FOR FOREVER, Jennifer. You have to feel okay about this."

And I keep saying, "Look, I DON'T LIKE CREMATION. I never have. I doubt I ever WILL. But I can't justify you spending that much to not do it just to please me. So can't you just stop asking me about this?" Of course, the answer to that is NO, and her trying to convince me of the joys of cremation. "I always think of your aunt Diane as cold in the ground, but I never think that of your (cremated) grandparents." I tried NOT to say, "Well, I think of their burning up like it's World War 2, and THAT doesn't reassure me. At least bodies are supposed to be cold in the ground."

Argh.

And then she keeps talking about killing him in January. I am wondering, once AGAIN, if I should sign up for the classes I want to take. Admittedly, I will probably only sign up for a few this quarter and one of them is free and the other runs mostly in February, but will she decide to kill him in February instead? Will I be wasting my money because I'll end up having to be gone for weeks taking care of her?

Then on the other hand, there's the "don't put your life on hold because he'll probably live throughout the entire winter, and won't you be mad if you didn't take the classes and he didn't die and you could have been there the whole time?" factor.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


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