Chaos Attraction

I Just Keep Freaking Out

2020-01-03, 8:07 p.m.

Covering the events of January 2:

We went shopping downtown today and so I don’t have these issues again, I got some birthday gifts in advance for people. I am actually pretty thrilled on what I found for Robert, as it’s a book by an author we both like, writing on the Beatles. I also found a book in a series where I’ve read books 2 and 3 but not the first one. Now I’ve got the first one. I also hit a few Little Free Libraries and the Goodwill, so it was a good book haul.

I did a lot of walking around today between the shopping and the hiking around Meg’s neighborhood to find the LFL’s and the heart rocks mentioned a few days ago. I tried to walk the dog but the dog went out, peed, and then walked herself back on home!

Speaking of, I saw a shit ton of hearts and other synchros today while out with Meg and Stephen, so now I have eyewitnesses to this crazy. I think Stephen has spent enough time with Meg to not be fazed even though he’s not into this sort of thing.

I finished Scott’s present. It looks amazing. I am nervous as fuck about actually gifting it, though. I already have gift giving agita is is, and then add “late gift” and “buying for dudes” and “you’re seriously gonna give yarn crap to a dude?” and “this whole damn crush thing, OMG, what if I am being Too Much,” on top of all of that and I want to hide under the couch. Well, I guess I could fit under the family piano here....

Off topic: Why the hell am I totally unmotivated to (a) re-sign up at the CC, and (b) sign up for all the new improv classes I saw listed? Seriously, I should be jumping on this stuff instead of stalling about. I don’t get myself. Literally I am not going to have any other opportunities going on that I need to keep my time empty for here, do I want to sit on my arse drinking chocolate wine every night like I do almost every winter (except for the year I did Gumbo)? No.... come on, Jennifer, get in gear and commit to your usual activities already, why are you doing this? Meg thinks it’s because something else is going to come up that if I booked other things, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I kind of suspect this too (though it’s not likely because ....January and god knows opportunities are limited), I hope she’s right because otherwise it’s such a waste. I honestly think I’m gonna spend the winter home alone drunk every night at this rate.

Quotes I heard today:

Meg while on the phone to Ian: “Dad got the skill of patience, marrying me.”

That girl still has not been heard from and she’s not turning on her phone. Meg called her mom and the mom was all eh, whatever, she has to make her own choices, apparently. Meg’s response to this: “I’ll tell her I have chocolate next time.”

Meg on the traumatizing neighbor who harassed her about her birds: “It took months for me to love the sound of my own birds again.” And also, “My birds don’t sing at 4 in the morning.”

Ian has been working for some chick that sounds like she has been somewhat difficult to work for. I met this woman once so I can’t speak to what she’s like, but I guess she got the idea that he was interested in her because he took out her garbage. Ian’s response to this: “If she thought I was coming on to her, would I be doing it by taking out the garbage? That would not be my move.”

Meg as she shows Stephen her thrift store purchases: “How could you live without this?” His response: “You have.” Me: muahahahahah.

Stephen: “2020 has already worn me out.”

Meg and Stephen (yes, said this in front of me):
“I love kinky husbands.”
”You’ve got one.”
“I wouldn’t want a plain old husband. A kink or two is a good idea.”
I did not ask for details....

As Stephen reads Meg her horoscope: “It’s encouraging you to have more sex this year.”
Stephen, I think this was on reading his own horoscope? “I’m not getting anything written because I’m having too much sex.”

Ian: “The Sharks won, but we may have started WWIII.”

Meg: “I’m eating his (Stephen)’s Christmas present so it tastes way better.”

Tonight, we played the Transformation Game, because god knows I needed to work out some shit on this whole crush situation. I want to deepen this whole thing (whatever it is) between us, but also at the same time feel like I freaking can’t because I’m deeply concerned that if I do anything, I may freak him out again. Also, the winter is definitely working against that since I won’t have too many reasons to see him. Really, I just can’t seem to get past the whole “I’m going to freak him out” thing in my head. I already did it inadvertently once on July 30 and I don’t want to do that again. I can’t say anything or do anything. Once in a great while I do something (inadvertently) and then go “eeeeeek” afterwards. Though as others point out, he still hasn’t run off screaming yet

Meg is giving very good advice on this topic, but I just keep freaking, is about what happens. She said maybe I don’t have to say anything (har), use music, that I am taking risks. We talked about whether or not I’d know if he’s ready or not and I said “well, if I ever get a ping about it,” and she thinks that has already gone off, in a mature sort of way. Also, she mentioned the gift he gave me and “I rest my case.”

One Life Setback card I got was “You are set back by your coldness on your present level” and I was all yeah, that’s accurate. I can’t say anything and I feel like I have to be “cold” so as to not freak him out. I may never be able to say anything about anything on this topic. I think it’s bad enough he knows already and we’re not going there.

Meg’s take on all of this is that since she’s the human equivalent of a black Lab, she just loves everybody and that’s their problem if they can’t deal with it, I have to trust him. I think I do, but I also am concerned that five or ten years later I’m still wanking on about this like an idiot and things are the same and my sanity is flushing down the toilet.

She thinks I won’t get this any deeper if I hold back and I should give myself permission to do more if I want to. I got a Life Insight card that said “you speak when inspired and shut up when you are not,” and Meg said that was the formula, right there. Also, “wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have the mindfucking going on.”

Other Meg quotes:
“I’m basically having you give your own self advice, you know the answers.”
She thinks all the synchronicities are helping me hang in there, which is true.
It might unfold in a way I might not expect, which is likely since he keeps surprising me.
“Graciousness and gratitude go a long way in deepening a relationship.”
“If you can say yes to each other’s offerings...”
“You need a real conversation with him at some point.” I agree there, but I don’t think it’s gonna be soon.

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