Chaos Attraction


2012-01-04, 8:16 p.m.


Still debating when to move. No other news here-- dull day like usual. So I'm going to quote a few places.

The marvelous Jenny Crusie:

"And I hate change. I will cling to anything forever rather than change: a bad marriage, a dead-end career, a too-big house, you name it, I’ll hold onto it rather than do something about it.
Our other best friend, Lucy March (aka the fabulous Lani Diane Rich) knew she needed to change her life two and a half years ago, so she did something about it. She wrote daily for 516 days in her brilliant journal blog, A Year and Change, to magnificent results: she carted her two kids across state lines, moved in with me, got divorced, reinvented her career, created an amazing internet community, wrote a novel, began her own business, picked up a younger Scotsman on the net, got married again, and generally established herself as an Icon of Reinvention while Krissie and I looked on and said, “Huh.” Well, we’re twenty years older than Lucy-Lani, so we don’t move as fast.
It’s the not-moving-as-fast that’s doing us in, or maybe just the not-moving. We both feel like we’re stuck, we both have health issues, we’re both unhappy with where we’re living, and we’re both going nuts from guilt and pressure. I am in the middle of change–I’m crossing genres in my career, I bought a derelict cottage two states away, I’m preparing for a move in a year by getting rid of most of my stuff, I now have three grandchildren I need to see much more often–lots of stuff that’s underway already. But I’m doing all of that the way I do everything, completely unorganized, completely overwhelmed, and much too slowly."

I hear ya on not wanting change. I think of change and immediately go to "homeless and gonna have to move in with my mother," that sort of thing.

You know, I feel jealous of people who make these big plans and do them, because god knows I haven't done it. I was going to do it. Right now I'm still not effing sure if I will or more specifically, when I will. I was all excited in a strange sort of way and now I feel very adrift and "oh god, I'm never going to get anything done" here. I read the Lucy/Lani blog last year and holy shit, did she have a year. It's very impressive when you look back upon it, but in the moment, hoo boy.

Have a crappy year! No, really:
"Basically there are a lot of people who are in such deep shit that they need a radical life makeover. Sometimes trying to fix things while maintaining as much normalcy is possible means taking a decade to sort crap out, whereas if you just took a year to do something radical you could sort it out much sooner. Sometimes the best move is to just suck it up and have a crappy year. Move in with your parents to save massive amounts of cash. Give up your entire social life to learn a new trade or get a graduate degree. Give up the idea of getting enjoyment from food and stick to the same five meals for a year.
Again, this is not advice for most people. It is not done lightly. But you know who you are if you need it. What I can promise you is that despite predictions, 2013 will come. When it does you can be in nearly the same condition as you are now OR you can be in a radically different situation and ready to jump start life. Its up to you."

...Yeah. I may be one of those people. And...I don't like the idea of being in the same place as ever.

Oh, and I did an iChing online asking when to move, just for kicks:

"Cast Hexagram: 42 - Forty-Two I / Expansion
Whirlwinds and Thunder:
When the Superior Person encounters saintly behavior, he adopts it; when he encounters a fault within, he transforms it.
Progress in every endeavor.
You may cross to the far shore.
Get ready to ride a tide of accelerated growth toward self-actualization.
A joyful awareness of the best within you, coupled with an acceptance of your Shadow, will provide a greater repertoire, a much bolder vision, and new depth and clarity that will compel you to expand your horizons."

That sounds like a "move sooner rather than later" answer there.

And then there's Morgan's Tarot, where I drew the "Don't Worry, You Can Do No Wrong" card. "In the context of a reading, this card often means that you cannot fail in your present situation. Whatever you decide to do will benefit the project you have in mind. The present confusion is part of a divine plan."

And I had Jess do a tarot reading, which pretty much boiled down to "wait and see."


In other non-news, I should do my weekly driving practice this week. Probably Friday or so, but I'm waiting to find out if my weekend has already been reserved for me for family crap. Need to get together with the relatives and pretend that we care about each other's Christmas presents. I've been told to put the next two weekends on hold for that.

You know...I am not in the mood to drive right now. Bad sign. It would probably help if there was somewhere I particularly want to go, but I'm trying to not like, immediately run to Joann's or something. And frankly, I've been so effing shaken every time I've been driving for the last four weeks that maybe I should just like, rent the car for an hour and drive around town doing nothing much. See if I can get my groove back, or at least calm down behind the wheel again.

I really miss driving with CALM adult supervision behind me as backup. Hell, I miss enjoying driving, which I haven't done so much of the last few times. I'm kind of forgetting how to like it in between the car issues and the directions issues and the hysterical sobbing for an hour after every ride. Followed by drinking.

Seriously, how am I going to do this?

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