Chaos Attraction

Another Whiny Entry

2006-01-06, 3:49 p.m.

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Last day of Holidailies, and I got nothing, I would so not be posting today except for it being the last day and I INSIST on doing 31 entries in 31 days, dammit.

But nothing much happened. I signed up for maquette/misanga/crochet classes. I finished reading a book. Ran into dude who no longer likes me and ignored him, and he ignored me.

(Sometimes I wonder if it's all a giant movie-type misunderstanding and instead of him disliking me, he still does like me, and we're both just making big mistakes by thinking the other got over it and consequently acting like we hate each other. Then again, (a) that shit doesn't happen in real life, and (b) from what I've heard, guys never have that whole ulterior motive thing going on. If they stop liking you, they ignore you and stop speaking to you and there you go.)

Anyway, I was reading this thread about life-changing experiences, and GOOD GOD IS IT SAD. I cannot believe the shit people do to their children reading this. But to me, it kind of ties in with what I have going on now. Sometimes, things happen to you that teach you things you didn't want to know about others, or yourself, and you become a less pleasant person for life from it.

I do not like the person I am becoming because of Dad's being sick for so long. I literally shudder to think of what I am going to be like by the time he finally dies in another year and a half or so. I don't want the feelings/lack of feelings I have going on to get worse, and it's just not going to stop changing for the worse until he uh, stops.

I am drawing away from love (not just romantic either) and retreating into myself. And I know for a fact now that deep down, I am a nasty person because of how I have reacted to him being sick. And I will never forgive myself for not continuing to love my dad just the same all these years no matter how sick and mentally absent he is. I should be able to do this, and I can't, and I suck for it.

It's hard to embrace the warmer aspects of life when you've seen how ugly you really are. And how you don't deserve to get into those things when you've found out that you stop loving people when their chips are down and they really need you.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't finish out Holidailies in a cheerier mood, but I just don't have anything else to put here instead.


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