Chaos Attraction

Hyper and Busy

2005-01-07, 9:17 p.m.

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I had another shrink appointment yesterday, the last one for awhile. She told me that due to my insurance not paying for any locals and locals being too expensive for me to see, the center she works for could make an exception and let me have more shrink appointments than the limited 5 per year. Which is tempting, but I think I will save mine for a later time. God knows my life's going to only get harder as the year goes on, and I know from the last time I did the shrink thing through school that they only allow you so many "above the line" appointments before you get in trouble for it. I don't want to waste them so early in the fiscal year when I've got until July 1 to get through. So I'll wait until an emergency comes up. Or I
get a boyfriend, which will certainly be an emergency, hah.

Anyway, it was mostly me talking about the various disasters going on, blah blah blah. She, in turn, asked if I was thinking of taking any vacations any time soon (soon, no, but in June would be nice, if any of the people I'd like to visit then would take me) or thinking of moving, though she agreed that the latter was pretty unrealistic for me. She also thought it was great that I was going to the gym and that was actually cheering me up. Because lord knows there isn't anything else I can do to improve the situation.

And...*sigh* she asked if I was seeing anyone. (Um, where and when would I have met someone between now and the last visit?) Hahahah. Themis and I were having a conversation the other day about difficult/ill/dying parents vs. having a relationship and she said that her sister's husband had told her that nobody should be blamed for their family and HE should be allowed to pick how he wanted to deal with them or not. My shrink evidently feels the same way about it- that you should let the guy make the decision on what he wants to do.

And, well... I don't agree with that. The way my exes post-Dad-getting-sick have chosen to handle it was to get argumentative/get in faces/start yelling that "I'm not going to let them treat you that way!", and that just only made it worse on ME when they were doing that. I'm sorry, but if their choice in how to handle it makes my life even more stressful and miserable, doesn't it affect me, and shouldn't I get a say in how they react? I know I shouldn't be pulling a Peter Parker and deciding for them, blah blah blah, but... dammit, if I don't want them to be involved, regardless of what they'd like to do, shouldn't my feelings on the matter come first because it affects me more than them?

I so don't want to get a boyfriend and deal with this crap again. *sigh*


Did four miles on the treadmill last night for an hour, and am now wondering if I am a sicko because I start out every workout with listening to "Walking On Broken Glass." I also took the "Total Body Training" class last night. It was surprisingly more "aerobic" than I was expecting- a wee bit of step, a fair amount of weights (this time I got lighter ones than last time, hah), and what are called "exertubing bands" (stretchy cord handcuffs, or anklecuffs). I actually rather liked it. Cool.

Though what was I thinking to go try out the scale in the locker room afterwards? Admittedly, it's not a digital, but one of those stupid doctor ones where you shift the weighty bits around, and I have a hard time operating/reading the things for some reason. But...fuckity, I GAINED two pounds from two days ago?! Hell, I haven't even been eating dinner post-gym because I've been too tired, and GAINED two pounds?! Grr. The two hours a night of workout I am able to do, but the weight stuff...not so much.

I also went back to my dance class tonight, and enjoyed it immensely. The teacher said I did pretty good for not having been there in months- I remembered it all, yay. It wasn't too hard at all after a week of treadmill/machinery/abs class/whatall else, too. Whee!


And speaking of the gym again, they offer massages. $15 for members for 15 minutes, mostly around the lunch hour-ish a few days a week.
I booked an appointment for next Wednesday....and here's the point where I wait for any DCW's reading this to fall over choking. Hee. To explain that last one to non-DCW's, whenever people are discussing getting massages on chat, I've always said I won't do it.
I am one of those people who have always craved massages...but don't want to pay people to do it. Instead, I whine to whoever my SO is at the time and/or my mother (if I'm feeling particularly selfish and nasty that day) to do it. And of course, they don't usually want to do it for all that long. I took a massage class with previous ex years ago and that went pretty well, but that was a long time ago. I will say Dave tried, but he also did it so hard that he literally dragged the breath out of me to the point of painfulness, then wanted me to give him one, then complained that I couldn't massage him hard. Argh. Anyway, I realized awhile back that if I ever want a massage, I am going to have to start shelling out and paying for it instead of expecting those who love me to do it for free.
Except, well, I'm not all that thrilled at the idea of paying for the service, for a few reasons that I admit are strange:
(a) Don't like paying for something that insubstantial. I like buying solid objects and/or food and/or classes with my money, not something that has no tangible proof of what I spent my money on. Seems oddly similar to paying for nookie or something. (Don't ask.)
(b) I don't really like the idea of paying for something that's supposed to make me feel good. I know this is crazy, but it also reminds of um...paying for drugs. Something that's going to make me feel so good I'll be shelling out for it all the time. Yeah, like I need to take up another addiction in life. And I suspect I would find it addicting. Argh.
But...what changed my mind, you ask?
Um, taking classes involving weights and yanking on my neck, that's what. I fear getting a massage is going to become a requirement. I'm generally pretty stiff in the shoulders on a regular basis anyway between carrying around my backpack and just being naturally kinda tense (gee, I wonder why that is), but the workouts are already increasing the tension.
So... I caved in. Oh well, it's only $15, right? Right?!


Heather is around more often lately, and it is weirding me out.
For the whole time I've been living with her, she's been on a "sleep most of the day, work most of the night, in here from about 11-12 a.m., comes back around 3 a.m., start all over" schedule most of the time. Except when someone foolishly schedules her for a 7 a.m. shift, in which she staggers in the door at 3 p.m. and passes out for awhile. On the one hand, usually when I want to talk to her, I have to stay up late on a work night. On the other hand, things are pretty quiet around here.
But since she got the Death Flu, and isn't doing school any more, she has been around more often. Likewise, so have her friends, who I've rarely seen anyway. The other day, Erin (her old roommate, the one I've hung out with the most after Chris) ran in the door begging for soda. Unfortunately, Heather was out of them and so was I. "Can I have one of the Bartles and Jaymes?" she begged me. Those were mine, but I thought, "Eh, I couldn't get that bottle open anyway," and said, "Sure." Then after she left, I remembered the open container law. Oh well...
And the last two days, I've staggered home from the gym to find people actually over hanging out around her sickbed. I'm normally a night showerer, but I felt weird the first time showering with random people wandering in and out. I got over it the second night because I felt so nasty after the gym though. I haven't meditated all week because I can't do it with people around, either. This is kinda new to me.
Not that it's a big deal, but it's an adjustment.


Anyway, while everyone's been over, I've been knitting, and I made the uterus. Bizarre little object, honestly. Though last night after I'd finished all but the final construction, I started dreaming of ways to create a window-hole in it (a la my iPod holders) so I could stick a photo in it. Perhaps that's going a bit too far, though.


I had signups today at the CC, and lord, is that ever a pain. Even though I managed to get back to my office within a half hour (which was good, considering I said I'd go to a farewell party during lunch), it was still annoying. Now we have to ask permission before we can take our free class (Me: "Can I take glass fusing?" Manager: "Sure."), and my signups had to be redone about 3 times, and the computers all act strange there anyway, and for awhile I thought I was put in as a member of the general public instead of a school affiliate (who gets discounts), blah blah pain in the ass. So much for simplification. And the class I was perhaps looking forward to the most, continuing wire jewelry, which the teacher's been talking up for 3 quarters now...got canceled due to some time conflict or other. Bleah. Oh well, that freed me up to take the basic jewelry techniques class by the same teacher anyway (I was going to pick one or the other because the money was racking up to sign up for 5 classes), and I only had to pay $56. Yay.
On Monday, I get to go through the same rigamarole at the EC with dance class and the Finding Your True Self classes. Whee! Anyway, once you plug in the CC stuff (volunteer night, three weekend classes, one weeknight class towards the end of the quarter), and the EC classes (Fridays/Saturdays, and four Thursdays), and then the classes at the gym I'd like to take.... once again, I'm bloody busy! Oh well, at least a good portion of the classes on the schedule are optional or 1 or 2 or 4-time-only classes.


And for the record, the results of Dad's CT scan were...surprise, surprise... there's nothing newly wrong there and everything looks normal for his condition! We have no bloody idea what's wrong with him, if anything! "Maybe" something with the inner ear, but who knows, it's not like Dad can speak about his symptoms.

*sigh*

All this fucking drama for two weeks for what turned out to be pretty much nothing.


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