Chaos Attraction


2012-01-10, 3:04 p.m.

I found out about this word over here. It pretty much summarizes for me the whole "I am totally going to be up to moving by September 2012" idea in a nutshell. I was trying to embrace crazy optimism in the face of brutal reality-- and god knows I'm never too good at that. And realistically, when I couldn't even start regular driving practice until December and couldn't even start the whole car buying process until 2012 anyway.... I had to waste an entire season waiting around on life to let me do shit and then I was hoping I could just do every single major thing in life that doesn't involve having a boyfriend or a baby within 8 months? When I am slow and childlike? Right. That was going to happen.

I had it out with my shrink today about this stuff, having Decided to change my mind and wait around for another year whether I want to or not, and she said that was a good idea, that logic and intuition were going together about this, etc. But it still sucks. I have been mentally trying to raise that energy to go, thinking of everything as The Last Time I Do This and saying goodbye to the good times, not worrying so much about work because if I'm leaving on my own, who cares, dah dah dah. And now I feel like one of those irritating people who claims they're gonna do shit and then never do it and everyone rolls their eyes behind your back.

But really, was the energy raising going so well anyway? Yeah, no, it wasn't. I have a bitch of a time getting myself even to 51% of "I am gonna do that" for something major. Getting myself to 100% convinced and unconflicted? I don't know if that's possible. Because yeah, the rational side of me is definitely wanting to punch the other side in the face constantly.

Feh. So here I stay. Maybe forever for all I know, but probably at least for another year of Not Doing Much, except for car stuff. I just wonder how long I have to piddle about before lightning starts coming at me again. I wanted to try changing before life circumstances forced me to, but that might just not be possible when you're me. No wonder I get the Tower card in tarot all the effing time. Shit has to be forced upon me from above, getting me to move myself? Hah.

In other news:

Apparently many other people that are not me are having drastically bad shit happening to them this January. My shrink looked like she'd been run over by a train herself when I saw her. And I ran into Monica last night and she told me that a raccoon had made off with one of her pet chickens. Dang. I shall enjoy my peace and quiet while it lasts, for however long that goes. I do enjoy it when everyone else is going ballistic and for once, I'm not. Though really, it's usually that everyone else is having a quiet life and I am dodging explosions, so maybe it's some kind of Mercury retrograde switchoff that I have no issues when everyone else is and vice versa.

Oh, and speaking of, The Work Drama is starting to rear its ugly head again. Joy.

Confirming my rant from the other day, Wil Wheaton, one of the folks on my mental list of "people who used to write stuff, but now they just tweet it," mentions that again. See what I mean, you guys?

I got my new credit card in the mail today. You know, the one that's supposed to become a Real Boy (i.e. unsecured) after a year? Which is what most people tell me is supposed to happen? Well, uh, apparently this is NOT the case. I feel like a total idiot. Got a call from Mom today saying "why don't we go to the credit union and get the loan appointment over with this Saturday morning?" Might as well hit two birds with one stone there.

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