2014-01-10, 10:11 a.m.
I had writing group meeting on Wednesday night. Before I rejoined the group, they did some kind of goal setting thing at the beginning of the year (I'm told someone else just flat out made everyone do it). Everyone's goals are posted on the reminder e-mails for meetings every time. I can't help but look at them and think, "Is anyone actually doing any of this?" Especially the goals set for a few people because um....let's just say I wondered. There are a couple of people in group that are really driven--self-publishing their books, one of them won an award--and they seem to be the ones driving this goal thing. One of them hasn't been at a meeting at the same time as I have been so I can't speak to what she's up to, but the other was kind of spearheading it again last night.
So at the first meeting of the year, the whole goal thing got rehashed again, and everyone who attended and was there last year was asked whether or not they did them. In all honesty, most people just flat out didn't do them at all whatsoever. (Amusingly enough, the guy who set the easiest goal of "write when it's enjoyable" claimed he didn't actually do it, by his standards.) I really just wanted to say, "If only one person" (the aforementioned spearholder that night seems to have done about 2/3 of hers) "seems to have actually done any of their goals, why are we doing this again?" But..... I guess almost everyone overall seemed quite determined to put some down anyway, except for Melinda flat out saying she wasn't going to do any and one guy saying he wasn't going to either, but somehow goals were written down for him anyway. I'm a little confused on that.
I ended up putting down the same writing goals I mentioned over here. of basically doing some writing work once a month. (Which I have NOT done for this month yet.) But...what I wanted to discuss....Well, the meeting was already really long as is and I felt bad saying anything on this topic.
Here's the thing: what does a supposed writer do when she has little or no interest in actually publishing anything?
When it comes to the group makeup, we've got the two self-publishing chicks who started their own imprint and things like that. (And volunteered to let others get in on this action.) There are some folks who actually try to publish stories here and there. One fellow is actually submitting stuff every dang week at this point. And there are folks who don't seem to write much at all these days and haven't submitted in ages. I am mostly in this category--I've submitted twice once I got past the prompt requirements stuff and I am still not sure what to do with that information. I never get around to rewriting. I can edit, but totally rewriting? Hah. Never actually do it.
I am so sick of my having no fucking ambition. Real ambition that drives me to do things. What is the point of going to writing group or writing things if I am going to do nothing with them? What is the point of setting goals if I have no goals TO PUBLISH? What is the matter with me that I don't get much inner thrill at the idea of submitting? What is the point of doing anything at all if I am going to do nothing with it? And when you throw in being scared of the inevitable future stalkers and rape threats if you're female and do what you want for a living in public on top of that....
I know self-publishing is all the rage these days. I've mentioned the writing group folks doing it. Jess does it. Jackie continually ponders doing it and keeps asking me how it's done, which is pretty weird considering that I do not do it. But man, I don't want to self-publish. I mean, to some degree if you like blogging, you are self-publishing and I like doing that, obviously. I can get whatever high I get off of writing online (I don't actually think I get one, but I kinda like it) by doing that. I think I pretty much do it more for my own records that I can access anywhere more than any high, but what the hell. But actually doing the work of self-publishing, and the business....as usual, I lose all interest once that requirement kicks in. I want someone else to do the work I don't like.
I have been reading this book and the guy flat out says, "Get someone else to do the stuff for you that you are bad at, it's a lot easier than trying to make yourself good at what you are bad at." I don't know about this. I get his logic, but the guy is big on collaboration and finding other people to help you, and that is generally where I fail at life big time. Other people have lives and are not dependable and I don't so much believe that things will get done if I abdicate responsibility and delegate. This is also assuming I could find experts to consult with, which...yeah, so far, fuck if I know. I still think the easier "solution" is to have to do everything on my own because I can only control me. I really want someone else to do the shit I hate so I can focus on doing what I like, but that's not how life works for a plebe like me, and I have to do it myself, period. Can't afford to pay people to do my crap. Of course, getting myself to do that...har. Again, I'm so sick of not super wanting to do anything to get myself out of my own inertia. It makes life seem pointless, but then again, I have no point.
Wanting to be different is not enough and not getting me anywhere. Being all wanky about wanting life to be different and how I am sick of things as they are is useless if I cannot nail down a concrete, reasonable plan to try to be different. I need to shove myself back in the little box even harder and dedicate myself to it. God knows I'm in enough training in Helping And Serving right now. Last night I told Merry that I think the god/dess wants me to learn to serve and help others and learn to LOVE that with all my black and empty heart, and that is why I am in this job even though at certain times of the day it feels like I own one pair of shoes and they are giving me blisters. She was all, "I don't think so," but....well, we're doing what we're doing for a reason of some kind, I guess. And I think I need to accept that the universe wants me to be doing this, because nothing else is exactly flowing with energy to get me out of it. Eventually I have to get calluses and get used to things, right? It's easier to adjust me to the box than to find another box, as far as I can tell.
In other news: this week's hippie drug test of melatonin has just not fucking worked on me at all. It has had zero effect on me and I am sleeping just as iffily as I ever have since starting to be full time employed. I was debating upping my dose from on 3 mg pill to two pills, but upon doing further research.... well, apparently we should all be taking TINY doses of melatonin and the 3 mg sold in the store was, gasp, too much! So it basically should already be working wonders...and fucking isn't. Waste of money #1...#'s 2, 3, and 4 to go. Oh well, you can't exactly get a sample size for a week to try it out without buying the whole damn bottle.
Next off, I think I am going to try 5-HPT again and upping the amount I take of that. I pretty much know this one isn't going to work again since it has had no effect on me since it "pooped out," but my shrink was all, "try it again," so, fine.
Edited to add: I seriously wonder, if EVER, a fucking breaking point is going to happen. I feel like I can take anything bad forever, because I've had to and I don't know how to quit things.