Chaos Attraction

The Most Meta Play Ever

2021-01-10, 5:06 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
WandaVision and Bridgerton - 2021-01-15
THAT Episode of Bridgerton - 2021-01-14
Catcalling Swooning - 2021-01-13
Wordplay - 2021-01-12
Nothing But Hallmark Again - 2021-01-11


Cast list as of November 2019

I went to bed too early last night, and woke up too early this morning. On a Sunday. Sheesh. So I spent like 5 hours watching Hallmark Channel and cussing out the coat I am working on for being extraordinarily difficult and confusing and I nearly quit working on it. But i plugged away and ended up finishing the complicated cable back on in today, which has taken forEVER, so there's that. The whole thing isn't done yet--I still have to sew it together, knit the hood (which has more fancy cabling)

Collage Club took a whopping FIVE HOURS today, over that actually. Sarah Brown was MIA (I hope that means "forgot" and not "had another health crisis, I gather she didn't answer the phone). Doreen has laid out her collage, but said she had to glue it when not on Zoom. Jade announced that after last week's vision board asking for a partner to make music with, she found one four blocks away from her house. (Damn, how do other people get those things to work?!) Meg said she didn't do anything on the bowl but just wrote letters, I said I didn't do squatola. Mostly it turned into hours of talking.

Today's meditation was to have a conversation with someone, dead or alive, about how you're doing lately. I liked the idea, but turns out I'm not up to much to talk about :P Meg asked to do it again next week, I seconded it but maybe talk about something more deep. Meg said she wanted to talk to someone dead, but they "refused" and she ended up talking to Doreen instead :P Jade said that she had an imaginary conversation with her dad that eventually resolved issues. Her dad was incredibly resentful of her conception because her dad blames having to move back home and eventually getting a divorce on Jade's existence. And said so. Frequently. Oy vey.

This eventually turned into Jade and I talking about acting and her saying she used to run a theater company and if I want to do anything online...which turned into us reading this play aloud. Pretty crazy stuff. But anyway, it went till after 4 my time/midnight hers, and I was not expecting things to go that long because I still needed to drive the car today !

After that, I (barely) drove the car, since I got off the call circa 4:15 and I wanted to get home before dark at 5. Dawn texted me during the meeting saying she had books of mine to drop off, so I drove over there, she put them in my car, and we talked for about 20 minutes--her on the driveway, me in the car, so hopefully that's all right. But that was done pretty late, so I ended up not driving the car fast or long enough. I hope that's okay since it technically hasn't been two weeks since I last drove (the 29th). But seriously, if Collage Club is going on the next time I need to drive the car, I'm making myself drive the car BEFOREhand, not after.

Fun fact I learned from Dawn: Mary at Sierra Storytelling's husband ah... accidentally chopped his fingers off! They got them sewn back on again, thank goodness. I was horrified. I dunno how they got to a hospital that quickly from where they live!

After dinner, I went to the Playwrights group reading online again and was surprised to find out that Robert was in it (we texted for a bit after) this time. Mark Smith, the guy who wrote "The Viewing Room" that they were all in, had another play to workshop, so I figured I would go for that. Gloria from storytelling was in that one too.

I will note that one lady at the start kept saying, "How do I get rid of my dumb picture?" The person telling her how also kept saying "dumb picture" over and over again herself, which was hilarious.

The first play was a short one (maybe 10-15 minutes) called "Frontline" about a doctor and a nurse during coronavirus, prioritizing who lives, talking about mask etiquette, and whether or not they work while coming down with it. Everyone was gripped and there was not too much discussion because it was so good, where the facilitator was all "Any no's at all?" to the questions.

And then there was Mark's play, called "The Workshop," which was about...a playwright having his play workshopped at a playwright's workshop. HOW VERY META/RECURSIVE/HILARIOUS. The plot of it is is that a guy has people read his play (a couple fighting in a hotel room) and then the audience critiques it, and then the playwright gets snitty, and then someone tells him not to get snitty, that's how these things go. Mark later said that the complaints were ones he's gotten for a previous play during workshop.

Lines from the show I wrote down:
"I'm hiring you a peeing coach."
"You have to protect me from the bears."
"Dumbass found dead."
"The characters are so obnoxious."
"Well, I WOULD, but I have to go pee."
"God, I didn't realize I had to be a bladder control expert to write that second scene."

But what was even funnier was one guy, Frank, apparently wandered off to go to the bathroom at the wrong time, missed the premise of this, and started offering critique as the play was still going.

"Hey Frank? It's over."
"Frank, honey, I don't think anyone told you it was a play within a play."
Frank later said, "You know what, I think I've said enough."
Someone else later said, "I thought Frank was the most believable character."

It was a hoot.

Today's Hallmark:

A Novel Romance:
Liam writes ah... literary romance novels, I think....basically he's Nicholas Sparks under a pseudonym and his publisher wants him to come out of the closet as being "Gabriel August." He has writer's block and heads out to Portland to write.
On a plane back to Portland, Liam meets Sophie, who liked his first book but thinks the second one is lacking. He gives her a ride in a limo when she's about to be late to work. Sophie is a newspaper reporter who's trying to get out before she's laid off, sigh. They take selfies with each other but don't bother to get contact info, then wish they had. Sophie has a famous sports ex and is all "never dating famous people again." At the newspaper, they are told to have nothing but extreme opinions. Sophie goes to the "Gabriel August Outing Party" and uh....he does not out himself and chickens out.
Gabriel's...editor or agent or whatever...tells him that the publisher is threatening to out him whether he likes it or not. But so far, I guess not. She shows him the newspaper and .... well, now he knows Sophie's full name when he sees the "tepid" review..."I gotta find her!" he says, and literally runs away. He does not care about the bad review whatsoever and asks her out anyway.
Sophie deduces that Liam had famous actor parents who died when he was 19 and presumably that's why he can jaunt around in a limo. She has her friends vet Liam and he does well. Sophie sneaks by to see Liam at lunch and recognizes Jackie, his agent. "I can't believe you know Gabriel August's agent." Uh-HUH. The agent isn't at all offended by her bad review (refreshing for a Hallmark movie). What's "Gabriel" like, Sophie asks? "Sometimes he exhibits the same amount of judgment as my beagle." After Sophie leaves, Jackie is all TELL HER.
Sophie outs that she knows Liam's secret....the one about how he has famous parents. Ooookay then.
Sophie gets a little crazy when she thinks some other hot girl asked Liam out, and then follows her to a bar. Then she is all "ookay, I'm being crazy here." She tells Liam she will never date a famous person again and her ex was totally different than she thought he was and she lost her ability to trust men. THIS IS SO AWKWARD. Liam just says he's falling in love with her and kisses her, and tells his agent later that he'll tell the publishers no. YEAH RIGHT.
Sophie's book reviews get cut from the paper. Sophie indicates that she might quit. "Well, if you gotta make a decision, make it quickly, I got a paper to run." I'm sure the editor is all "Fine, quit, save me some money, bitch." I loved being a reporter and that was the perfect job for me, but good god, I'm glad I'm not trying to stay in the business now. Much as I hate my job, at least I'm not easily expendable. Sophie decides to create a book review BUSINESS (website) instead. Uh....that's a business?! I've been slapping book reviews online for I forget how many years and literally nobody cares or is ever going to care. That is not a business. I was gonna say, good for you writing reviews on your own, but that is not going to make you independent money.
Liam goes to NYC and says that for personal reasons, he doesn't want to reveal. "We have a contract that guarantees it," the suit says. They absolutely are going to out him.
I'm not sure which "Portland" they are in. I am gonna assume Maine because otherwise this back and forth to NYC before the announcement makes no sense. Obviously stupid shit is gonna happen that means that Sophie will only hear about his authorship AT THE EVENT IN THE MOST PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE.
Sophie quits. "Can you make a living doing that?" her boss says. YEAH. Sophie is going to count on advertising. Even in 2015 when this movie came out, that wasn't great.
Liam can't get through to Sophie, but Jackie is all I'LL HANDLE THIS and pulls Sophie aside to get her an "exclusive." GOD DUDE JUST SPIT IT OUT. THREE FUCKING WORDS. I'M GABRIEL AUGUST. THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY, OKAY.
Okay, FINALY HE SAID IT. "And I'm J.K. Rowling, nice to meet you," she responds. She is mad and flees. She won't forgive him, he leaves.
"You're Gabriel August!" "....Close enough." Liam decides to write something "honest and real" under his own name instead of Nicholas Sparks ripoffs. I guess.
Nope, they just confirmed that it's Portland, OREGON, which makes me think the time to fly back and forth to NYC in a day just does not work. And speaking of, Jackie flies out to visit Sophie and pass her the new book. And....apparently he used Sophie's bartender friend's dead SO in the book, but the bartender is fine with it. Sophie shows up at his new book reveal. Get your camera ready, Jackie says to the nearest photographer.

Love At First Dance:
Hope is a choreographer who's gotten so sick of being turned down that she's "settling down" to buy a dance studio, despite being encouraged to apply for a choreographer job in London. Hope is visibly unenthused at the words "bank loan, every time. Likewise, her dance student Eric, who works in business, is supposed to be getting married to his business partner who is never around, and he is clearly bored as shit at Business and really wants to produce a play. "This is supposed to be fun, right?" he asks. Clearly Eric and Hope are spending way more time together than Eric and his fiancee, who is actually into business and is always running off to do business. Very eventually she decides not to buy the studio and the studio owner is basically all, "I knew it, good thing I have another offer."
"I really don't want to go back to the office." "I really don't want to go back to the studio." This sums up the entire movie. He desperately wants any excuse to NOT be in the office. I hear ya. "I danced in a pond in Central Park." Eric finally sacks up and says his heart isn't in it at all. However, he ends up giving up the play when his father objects. Meanwhile, Hope jets off to London.
"Why are we getting married?" "I don't know." Also sums up the movie.
Eric flies to London, saying he's uh...I did not comprehend the Business Talk he just said, but i guess his ex and someone else are running it and he's running a "creative side." Whatever that means, I do not know.

From Friend to Fiance: Seriously is "My Best Friend's Wedding," except with high school drama, and the bride is even named Kimberly.
Jess, who apparently works at an old folks' home/does wedding planning, is surprised to find out that her best friend Ted is engaged. Pro tip: if your best friend literally has to ask who you are marrying, SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG HERE. And indeed, there is a red flag here, as Ted is engaged to the high school mean girl, Kimberly. Kimberly might be nicer now, but her Mean Girl starts reverting back when her friends point out that Jess might have feelings for Ted, which Jess herself is wondering about (and lies about when asked directly).
While I am not thrilled with Kimberly's somewhat mean girl friends, it's kind of ironic after we have to sit through "You and Ted are MFEO" conversations to Jess, that Kimberly's friends are all, "We think you should have ended up with your ex, Mark." Like, what do you talk about with Ted? "I dunno....stuff?" Wow, that is LITERALLY out of Clueless.
Then Kimberly is on the phone talking about her feelings and Jess overhears it all and squeals to Ted. Kim is all "That was my DAD" and disinvites Jess from the wedding. Note that she also does this after Jess forgets to pay the wedding venue. So Jess somehow lines up a(nother?) venue and gets all of her old folks home friends to set it up, while telling them what to do via walkie-talkie and hiding behind a tree. Then the groom is literally hiding in a treehouse.
You know what, if you took a drink every time they said "best friend" in this movie, you'd be fucking hammered. They hammer that INTO THE GROUND like it's rebar at Burning Man. Anyway, Kim and Ted agree that uh, maybe they should not be getting married, inevitably he marries Jess, blah de blah.
I know Hallmark promises a marriage/happy ending and all, but I rather liked the ending of the original movie and was almost hoping for that?

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