Chaos Attraction

Manifestation. Or Not.

2005-01-11, 9:00 p.m.

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Gah. Bored, bored, bored again. Boooooooooooooooored. Wasn't I just saying this morning I'd rather be bored than have my life in bad crisis again?

I've been listening to my "Summer of Fun" mix (er, mixes, since I put all of my CD's from that exchange into a playlist on the iPod) for the last two days. Kind of ironic to be listening to all these summer/fun/hot/California-themed tunes when it's fucking pouring rain outside. (Though I guess that worked out well for Step In A Puddle And Splash Your Friends Day. Except I'm not actually seeing any friends today, so I guess I'll have to change it to "I Splashed My Friend Yesterday And I'll Splash Random Strangers Today Day.") For some reason "Summer Rain" keeps popping up a lot and sticking in my head. Really, shouldn't I have something like this going through my head instead, instead of the song about the chickie dancing with her military boyfriend in the rain and being suspiciously happy about it still even though she hasn't seen him again since? (I dearly hope he went off to fight somewhere instead of ditching her ass, but you never know.)

I spent the bearable parts of the weekend at the gym mostly. I happily returned to my dance class and it was like I'd never left. Well, except for the people that I used to be in class with no longer being there, and it's in a new room entirely. But the new folks are nice, and I managed to do well and not be completely dead doing the class 2 days in a row, so that's great. And on Sunday I burned off over 500 calories swapping around between machines. I was so amazingly perky after that.

Course, the down hours out of the gym, where I sat around moping and watching DVD's, or when my parents came by to drop off the rest of my stuff from Christmas/my new rocking chair, were not so pretty. But meh, I suppose that's not a surprise. Too bad I suspect it'd be bad for me to work out for more than 2 hours a day. When I'm hardly home weeknights, I'm nice and perky. But being all, "Well, there's 10 hours of the day to go, I have nothing to go to, and I really should be cleaning up my apartment and I don't waaaaaaaaaaaanna", well... not so much.

Another day, another person decides they can't wait to upend their entire life and get a new one, it seems. I hung out with Denise last night- out to dinner and then over to her place, where I made her cat fall madly in love with me- and it turns out she's starting schooling for her credential earlier than I thought, i.e. the end of this month. I guess Sac State has a 3-semester program that she thought would be less pressure than the UCD 9-monther. Then I go on chat today and hear that one of the girls has on the spur of the moment (or so it sounds? hee) to quit her job and move to Vegas. Yeah, I'm jealous. Or perhaps just really bored today. Or maybe I'm just cranky because I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.

My horoscope for today gave me the wiggins. I'm sure you can figure out why without me telling you:

"For January 11: Try to suspend fear and disbelief this morning, and allow for the possibility that things CAN get better despite the odds, history, etc. You must talk to someone in a position to advise or inspire you and must move out of your usual comfort zone in order to change. If you're perfectly happy with the status quo, then continue as is- but if you're ready for something better, make the first move. P.S.: Tonight is tricky. There's a thin line between imagining a better life and escaping into an illusion."

Too bad I'm unlikely to be talking to anyone about advising today and the shrink appointment was last week, eh?

Thing is, I don't know if I want things to change or not. I'm tired of negative change after negative change going on, and I'd rather hold on to what I've got than throw everything asunder to chase something better. Bird in the hand, etc. Plus I'm just frigging tired emotionally and my resources for coping with change are pretty much at a low. I may look at people making big changes and admire them, but then I think about changing jobs and towns and lives and doing it all by myself and think, "God, no. I'm tired enough already." I don't want to jump into something I can't handle right now on a cranky I-hate-January whim and then wake up in March wondering what the fuck I've done. At least illusion is stress-free.

Even worse, check that love meter on the side of that link:
"January 10-16: You've got loads of love to give -but do you have someone worth giving it to?" (Bwahahahahahahahahah.) "If you do, congratulations! If not, it may have something to do with the choices you've made." (Ya think?!) "Early this week, you get a taste of how good things could be." (Lemme guess: watching the people I'm on shift with at the CC this quarter making out tomorrow. Though to be honest, I've seen them make out before and it didn't particularly do anything for me then either. Well, other than the time I was all, "Dude, I did NOT need to know that information.") "From Thursday afternoon onward," (Only then? I thought that was every day of my life since I got together with Dave.) "you're reminded that each sexy, seductive opportunity comes with a certain amount of baggage or responsibility. Are you ready to accept the whole package -or just a snack?" How about neither and I'll just go hungry?

Continuing with the weirdness, I started reading this today, on manifestation. It's not my strongest point in life especially. I've managed to do it, but mostly it only worked on spur-of-the-moment type stuff, i.e. "One of the treadmills WILL open up when I decide I want to use it." Any time I've tried to consciously and deliberately do it, like the old "make a list of the qualities you want in a guy" thing, which I know has worked for other people, didn't go down for me. Heather's told me that you really do have to (a) believe with all your little heart and soul that you will get it and (b) throw it away and forget about it entirely before it'll work, which is something I just don't do. If I wanted it badly enough to try that (as opposed to say, the treadmill, because I could go find another machine to use if I had to), I probably won't forget about it, and I'm just not that trusting.

But this post did answer some questions for me beyond the usual stuff I just mentioned:

(a) "Always use positive statements for your orders. Apparently, the universe doesn't understand "no" or "not" or "without." If you say "I don't want to get sick," the universe will hear that you want to get sick." Which I find pretty annoying, but upon reading that, I thought, "Oh, fuck, I go around saying I don't want a boyfriend, and....NOOOOOOOOO!"
(b) She also doesn't get the whole "If I want it badly enough, how can I let it go?!" thing.
(c) I do like the tips she got from the manifestation class on that point, especially this: "When I told her that I was having a hard time with the letting go part, she said "Don't focus on letting go. Just keep feeling good." I like that. If I do any manifesting, I should just go to the gym and do it during the machine use again. Hee.
(d) "Your desire for the thing you're trying to manifest cannot be stronger than your desire for your life without the thing, i.e. want what you have and you will get what you want." Hm. That's confusing. Must think on this a bit more.
(e) "Don't go out of your way to make it happen. Stay on your way and it will come to you. This is why I only ran into cute art school bicycle boy twice and then never again: I tried to make the third time happen by purposely leaving work at a certain time; of course I didn't see him that day or anytime after that." Hee. That explains why the one time I tried the out-of-my-way thing, it backfired!
(f) "You will most likely not be able to manifest things regarding a specific existing person. It is much harder to directly influence another person's will than to set in motion more general energies, not tied to a specific person. After all, if you're getting what you want, does it really matter who it's coming from?" That explains the guy thing, eh? Or why "I wish my parents would get sane" never works...

Hm. I rather like this post. I'd just need to figure out whatever the fuck I want. (Besides "I'd like my life not to go to hell any more," because now we know what happens if I say THAT.) My current indecisive, vague angstiness with no point isn't contributing to that any time soon, though. About the only thing I can think of is, "I'd like something to happen to me that would make me happy for a sustained period of time- something that goes on at least for awhile (or permanently, if it could work out that way) that would make me happy to live here and be in the situation I'm in. Something that would make me as excited as all of the people who are Starting New Lives! are, without having to completely upend mine."

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