Chaos Attraction

They'll Make Me

2007-01-14, 2:32 p.m.

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I haven't talked to Mom in a few days. She keeps calling and calling and calling, but I haven't wanted to talk to her. It brings me down.

Well, I finally caved in and called, and sure enough, it brought me down.

Apparently EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE FAMILY thinks I need to sob and cry and hug and kiss Dad and tell him goodbye and have a big ol' breakdown at his bedside, or I'll never be "okay." They want to force me to call Janelle to hear about THE HORRORS OF NOT SAYING GOODBYE.

They will not be happy unless I have a sobbing breakdown at his bedside. With lots of hugging and kissing. Period. Anything else is unacceptable.

You know what? It doesn't matter whether or not I want to watch him die- they would drag me in by my hair and sit on me in order to make sure that I AM THERE to fucking watch it. And sob and hug and kiss.

If I could make myself WANT TO do that, I would have long before now. I feel like shit that I can't and don't want to and want to run away instead of kissing and hugging. I beat myself up for that every fucking second of every fucking day. Forcing myself to hug and kiss doesn't make me feel any less guilty or bad. I just feel sick.

In other news, the ventilator shut-off is now set for Friday. Unless it turns out that Mom doesn't get the insurance money if a ventilator is shut off, that is...

Oh HELL.


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