Chaos Attraction

Losing My Office

2020-01-16, 9:35 p.m.


I ticked off Tigress and Lioness again today, but in a different way. I had my pile cleared out, so I started in on their pile. Which, from what I recall, is exactly what they asked me to do, right? Then I started doing a few new-ish to me things, had some issues come up.... and then got a talking to about how (a) they must be TOLD what I am going to work on and get it cleared with them and processed exactly the way they want it, and (b) per Lioness before she thrashes me and gets herself fired (note: said a lot nicer than that sounded), stop with the negativity and low self esteem on saying that I did these two and might have screwed them up, so could you check them?

Sigh. For the record, I had some reason to assume I had buggered them, since one of them turned out to be in a different status that I'd been trained in ("it's the same thing," I was told) and the other one I though I did wrong after Tigress said "oh, you only do that once."

I'm avoiding everyone now. Sigh. I am so bloody tired of pissing people off here.

I skipped every possible activity I could have done tonight. I made a lit of all the improv classes going on right now (seriously, a lot) and I still can’t bring myself to go through with signing up for anything coming up and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. It’s not like I have anything else to do, I’d like to be on stage/act/show off somewhere, I’ve got the free time, I won’t be in any Winters show (upon reading The Miracle Worker play version, frankly, I don’t really want to be in it: any part that isn’t Annie seems kinda not great, and obviously I would not be cast in it anyway, and I have pink hair) for months, so why the hell not?

And yet I have no motivation.


Last night I dreamed I went to the ten minute play festival, except somehow I ended up backstage after a while, missed a lot of the show, and at some point people were throwing tennis balls around that I was ducking. Once again, say it with me: dreams. are. stupid. I used to have dreams (while still in school) of wandering around being late to class and not going to class. This felt like the out of school equivalent.

Then I went to work and found out that oh, I’m getting kicked out of my office ASAP, like Tuesday. Get out now, we’re going to move in a new supervisor....yeah, right, you mean that position you haven’t been able to hire someone for for months, that hasn’t even been posted again yet? THIS IS NOT A RUSH....I get the impression that this was sprung on my boss and even her boss somehow. And then there had to be drama over which desk I sit at when I have to go back into my old office. I was all “look, I will literally do whatever you want so as not to cause drama” and Lioness was all, “I knew you’d say that, but do you want a standing desk?” (I guess that’s what’s left now) and I said, “No, I’ll never use it, I can’t think while standing up typing,” and then she decided she wanted it and.... oy. I really really don’t want to go to the group meeting tomorrow to DISCUSS EVEN MORE. God. It’s so much fucking energy to have to talk out (by which I mean argue) every bloody thing.

I did hear from Luis today--he got offered the job at Apple but turned it down!!!!! OY VEY, dude! I can’t even.

Though on the good news side, we had a cute dog in a cute black leather outfit visit the office and everyone loved her (and her owner is very nice too).

I had a long chat with 2nd in command, who I am just going to rename as “Grandboss” here since that’s also accurate, and also I like it better and she does remind me of a mischievous grandma, which I’m sure she has to be. We had a long chat about being people who just don’t blend in and how she thinks you have to be true to yourself, and my weirdo magnetness (which she noticed when a guy was being weird to me while we were out together) and trying to Not Upset everyone all the damn time.

I am going to have to take down virtually all of my work decorations to move back in again (I think Tigress was the one who complained last time, also they won’t let me tape anything to the walls and that office has tiny bulletin boards instead of nice fabric cube walls, wah), which bothers me very much but again, I have to please others or they get vicious crazy around here. Which is to say, you never know who’s going to get offended and bite your ass, and I live in fear. Grandboss said I’m a different person since I moved in there, and I thought, “yeah, I’m a worse person, I’m fucking traumatized in ways I will never get over as long as I work here,” obviously didn’t say that.

Really, it’s horrible that every work change they try to make for me for the better here (other than briefly giving me my own office) has made things worse. Getting me out of getting laid off put me into public service hell. Getting me out of public service hell put me onto a team that despises me. Getting me away from a team that despises me means I have to lose doing what I like doing at work and being at risk of doing public service hell again. Nothing seems to fucking work here, does it?

She said she was surprised I don’t handle phone calls well since I act, and I said I don’t deal with upset people well and my parents have/were always going from 0 to 100 rage-wise when the moment hit. Also I don’t know if I’m an empath or not, but it’s extremely difficult for me to not get panicking and upset too when someone dumps that all over me (see the other day). And really, should I HAVE to constantly deal with upset people? That is not why I got into this business, and when I got hired here I did NOT apply to a public service job. She said if I got an awful call she’d deal with it for me so she could stay in practice.

She also said I sounded like I was “in despair” about the stuff at work that’s horrible that we can’t get changed, which I am, because basically our office can’t do a damn thing to politely ask The Office That Runs Our World And Is Basically God to not roadblock us. I suggested having BigBoss’s boss be the advocate, but somehow that’s a no. She was basically all “have hope,” but I continue to be confused as to how the hell to do that when it all sounds extremely vague and definitely out of our control.

I did not audition for The Miracle Worker tonight (last night of auditions), I stayed home and drank. I assume everyone else did audition, but (a) I read the play and I didn’t really like any of the parts besides Annie and I sure as hell don’t fit the mom or the maiden aunt or a random maid, (b) I do not want to play Annie what with the screaming and fighting that goes on with her and Helen, and god knows I wouldn’t be good at it anyway, and of course Cameron will get the part, and (c) I don’t get into shows with small casts so why fucking bother, and (d) I have pink hair now. I hate to miss an opportunity, but it’s not really one I had anyway, so other than that I really don’t care much.

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