Chaos Attraction

Winter Agoraphobia, Part 2

2016-01-17, 9:32 p.m.

So this weekend, I've basically spent most of it (and the previous weekend, and probably most of the rest of the winter weekends) hiding in my house. Hell, I was in bed for most of Sunday one way or another and only bothered to leave the house to go to knitting group. Which is better than nothing, but still. God, I hate winter. It sucks my energy down the toilet.

I am seriously worried about myself (and my shrink is unavailable for the moment) in that I seem to be losing interest in improv. Well, I am and I'm not. I think the not wanting to drive in the dark and cold has a lot to do with it, but also I totally lost my momentum when my last class got canceled and I couldn't go to practices. The urge has ....faded. And this worries the crap out of me.

Look, sometimes I lose interest in things (for example, ever dating again) because when I want something for a very, very long time and just can't fucking have it, eventually my body/soul/whatever just figures out it's not gonna happen and stops giving a shit. I've done this about a fair number of things I've wanted for a long time and could never, ever get or have. This strikes me as being a very reasonable thing to do when you say, go over a decade without so much as having a crush on a real live human being and no humans in your vicinity interest you in the slightest like that. In that case, it's certainly fine. I'm married to my mom whether I like it or not, I accept that, I can't have a decent relationship with the only relative in this state that wants me and still have a boyfriend too and that's just how it is. She's stuck with me, no guy is stuck with me and they can easily find someone else without this problem (which makes me a whole lot less motivated to "put them first" anyway, god knows women are disposable), and there you go. Maybe when I'm 80 and she dies at the age of 107, it might be feasible (har), but I really hated both sides being mad at me all the time for not putting them first and it ain't worth the drama and it's not like I needed to find a future babydaddy anyway.

But in the last oh, six months or so, I'm starting to lose that drive and want about things that I don't WANT to lose that interest and drive in! Like I'm in a lecture group and I've mostly lost interest in showing up--I went in February and October and that's it last year. Admittedly, they changed the format to pretty much only doing $70/pop all day long lectures every month and changed up the schedule a bit and I was busy on a lot of the weekends I wanted to go this year, so that might also be a factor. But I'm also just...petering out on that interest in general, or at least the thrill is kinda gone. And I don't want to be "over" that! I've gotten "over" things that I used to be super into, like chatting online, which I was addicted to for like ten years, and then out of nowhere that kinda died off--then again, I had some social issues go down in some cases and in one case, the chat program they switched to wasn't really feasible for me to use any more. There were reasons. But at the same time, it was like, why do I not care about doing this any more?

And now I'm getting like that for improv and I've only not been going since the start of November. Jesus, that's what, 2.5 months and the interest is going? What the FUCK? That's way too early for my soul to give up on already! Goddammit! I really wish I could ask my shrink about this--one way or another one or both of us has been unavailable for most of the winter (she has ill relatives, I keep getting work meetings scheduled during session time that I can't get out of)--but let's face it, she probably doesn't know either. Mom suggested it's probably just winter being winter on me again, and that probably is a factor. I just don't want to give up something,...but at the same time, it's hard to get motivated to do it. I am also debating going to the con I've gone to off and on in February--I didn't go last year due to lack of money. I could probably afford it this year, but Merry's not going and I no longer have friends that go otherwise (I do, however, get to run into the ex-friends who ditched me! That's...a joy). And again...the mojo has left the building. And that sucks! I really like that con! the same time it's like, "feh, might as well stay home and watch crap on the Internet."

I don't like this. I don't know if it's "depression" (and oddly enough, other than certain days at work and the not wanting to leave the house thing, I'm really not as super cranked out as I usually am in January) or SAD or just some shitty sea change in me going on or what. I want to nip it in the bud already. do I do that?

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