Another fucking day alive in the world. I spent the morning doing stuff I don't like, and having to be babysat while I did them because a bunch of fucked up hard ones came in. In other news, I started the sleeve on my cardigan and discovered that the pattern wrote the arms WAY too small, like seriously, human arms don't decrease like that, and had to take it all out and start over again. Since this yarn comes from a kit, I hope I don't run out of balls here...then again, there's like 5 left, so who knows. I get the feeling the arms take up more yarn because the body was like 3.5 balls (200ish yards), but the body is double crochet and the arms are single.

I went to tap class, told the teacher about the audition and asked if that was typical for a tap audition. She said no, that when she's done musical theater auditions the person would briefly teach a combination and hardly go over it at all and expect you to do it instantly, which she wasn't good at it. I said well, that was more the regular dance audition, but she did go over it for an hour first! Anyway, I said I'm not going to get into it and why (no, I didn't get called back, Morgan did, said she won't know how it went until she hears back), but it's okay, looking forward to the next one.

There was a new girl in class who seemed fun. She hasn't bought tap shoes yet, which apparently wasn't a problem (wish I'd known that!), I told her where to go and things like that.

Anyway, we got down to class, and I got told to do the easier bit compared to the other two in the class (who have more experience, so that figures), though she didn't say that to Daisy who I think is also new, so um... well, I know I'm a noob and a beginner and all that, I only JUST used up my dance card of four classes tonight and I bought the thing in mid-October, so that tells you how frequently I've made it here (between rehearsals, covid exposures, Christmas break, storms....). I both know better than to be offended but feel also kind of stoopid at the same time, you know? Though I did think it was kind of cute (if inaccurate) when she said I'd get it in the next audition. But...like, I know I'm bad at this because I'm new and all that. And then she gave a polite mini-lecture about not thinking things like that because they get ingrained in your brain.

I note that people have been telling me I'm complete shit since I was five. FIVE. I never got any sense of self before people started in on me. I can count on one hand the number of people who don't think I'm complete shit at work, or being on stage, or doing anything other than knitting. I know I'm bad at doing what I want to be doing and what I don't want to be doing. People have been telling me over and over again how bad I am. How am I supposed to disbelieve them?

Tonight's Hallmark: "Christmas Bedtime Stories." Danielle's husband Colby was in a ocean plane crash and they never found his body. Years later she's a single mom and engaged to her husband's friend Pierce, but she keeps (a) telling her kid stories about her husband and (b) having "signs" regarding her husband, like running into someone from her wedding and finding her husband's bell ornament under the couch after looking a bunch of times there and having another snowstorm blow up like it did on her kid's birthday. She seriously starts wondering if her husband's still alive and hallucinating seeing him.

I feel bad for Pierce, who is a super sweet nice guy (plus I like the actor), and doesn't deserve Danielle feeling Super Awkward And Weird about the engagement at every turn. Like I want to root for them as a couple and Pierce as a stepdad, but if she's not exactly moved on from the missing-presumed-dead husband, how well is this going to go? It's not really a romance so much as it's Super Awkward. "I wonder if we're in two different places in our lives," he says, and he ain't wrong. Poor guy. So...they break up. "I want to be with somebody who wants to shout from the rooftops we're in love," he says, and I feel so bad for this guy. I hope he gets a sequel in which he finds someone who wants him.

Anyway, guess what this movie does: BRINGS HIM BACK TO LIFE AND DAD SOMEHOW SHOWS UP AT THE FATHER DAUGHTER DANCE. Because he's been a prisoner in Yemen for three years and somehow the military doesn't give the woman any more notice than this? And how the hell did he know about the father-daughter dance? GOOD LORD. I don't know what to make of this and I feel uncomfortable. Daddy's also clean shaven and seems like, perfectly fine and sane and not at all PTSD'ing from three years of combat somehow?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? This is the weirdest "happy ending" ever. Yikes.

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