Another office--the one that Joey, my cousin’s friend who killed himself a few years ago, worked at--came by (er, by which I mean, some online buddies of mine there) and gave us an ENORMOUS food basket and condolence cards. I have to say, it helped. They were all “we know what it’s like.”

I continued to whine on to my shrink about angsting about jobs and leases, with no new answers. Other than figuring out that I never actually want to move on the options because I don’t really like any of them.

Karaoke was kind of a bummer tonight. Sarah had the flu (though we texted all night) and the guys never showed up or were heard from At All. I admit I didn’t try to contact them, but I felt like being all “Where are you?” would be kinda asshole and I wanted to be “cool.” I assume that they got callbacks to Singing In The Rain or were both sick, as they had been talking about doing that Sunday/Monday and callbacks for that were tonight.... if so, I’d be happy for them and sad for me because that means we’re not in shows together again for...quite some time (it overlaps with dinner theater). SIGH.

Sometimes it seems so close and sometimes it all seems so fucking far to go. I guess that’s why three years.

Ashley wasn’t there, but Stephanie was so I hung out with her and we talked about how we always wished we could sing. But her family told her to shut up. Sigh.

As for the rumor mill:
(a) Matthew has moved to Brentwood/in with his girlfriend, per Stephanie.
(b) Jim never heard anything about karaoke being canceled.
(c) The grumpy bartender was not fired, but I guess Sarah’s complaints about his rude behavior and shutting the bar down early got somewhere, because the show went straight on till 11 tonight with no grumbling.

I did six songs (two duets), my voice seemed to be going a bit by the end but oh well. “Cake By The Ocean” with Frank, who I think accidentally(?) touched my butt a bit and I moved over because even Scott would not get that particular privilege right now, and “Build Me Up Buttercup” with Stephanie, Sue, and another guy. I did “Right Here Waiting” since none of the TnT gang was around to hear me doing it, and I later found “If You’re Wondering If I Want You To (I Want You To)” by Weezer in the catalog, surprise! so I did that one. Later I did “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and “Bad Liar,” but someone needs to remind me that the video for that is all off on the pace.

Mostly the interesting thing about the night was Sarah and I texting about psychiatric issues and the theater. She said that I’m better than I think I am at acting (please, tell this to other theaters who ignore me?) and I’m brave because she’s never auditioned anywhere else but here.

Other quotes:

"You're a character actress and a bit of a chameleon. Pink hair could showcase your versatility. It's 2020."

"That's someone else's voice keeping you from owning your talent. I believe that you'll get a good part that's meant for you. I admire that you keep trying even if you don't think you'll get it. I wonder what would happen if you shifted into believing you were worthy of being accepted for a role?"

"You offer a lot. I'm sorry people have been unkind to you and made you think otherwise.
You're lovely and unique and we need to get the confidence back in ya. You should start with yellow. Just be yellow for a minute. Remember you belong here and you deserve love."

For not being there that night, it sure felt like she was there, you know?

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