Chaos Attraction


2021-01-29, 9:33 p.m.

Today's anti-affirmation calendar says, "I've learned so much from my mistakes that I'm thinking of making a few more."

I'm drunk again after work, guess why! I guess two months is all I can do without getting into trouble. And they were even all "you've been getting into trouble ever since the end of January LAST YEAR." Nothing I ever do is good enough or works for them or anything, I just didn't manage to piss everyone off.

Today's Bad Things I Did:

(a) Get very honest in a few emails about how and specifically why I don't have answers to their questions. Yes, fine, I am HORRIBLY BAD FOR DOING THIS SHAME ON ME. I do not argue with this, I just wish they wouldn't keep hammering on about it. Please say your bit and then move on without repeating it for 25 minutes? I admit I failed with the guy who got pissed at me. I know I was bad and wrong for somehow not knowing that what I thought was his problem wasn't his problem, because nobody told me this was happening. (To the credit of our in-office staff, one person told me where to find this stuff...and it's a long list, god help me. But at least I can check before asking them to fill out the wrong form and bringing out the GIANT COSMIC RAGE that I did this week.)

(b) Gave people the email addresses of the in-office staff after they repeatedly didn't respond to my questions, I am to be their intermediary and they are to be sheltered, because god forbid they be asked to answer things where I can't give answers and they can. Grandboss, of course, threatened to make me come back into the office.

(c) Those people have done nothing wrong whatsoever, it's just me. Look, I like them and I don't want to tattle--and frankly, after today if I did it s clear that I'm the only one who would get in trouble. But after two weeks of COULD SOMEONE PLEASE MAIL THIS, RESPOND TO ME, RESPOND TO THE PERSON, ANYTHING AT ALL, PLEASE, isn't that on them?! No, it's my fault.

(d) I am (word redacted) for pointing out that People Of A Certain Population Are Always Having Problems With Mail. "It's not their fault." No shit it's not their fault, but WE KNOW THEY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MAIL. I wanted to point out that our vendor has even said this, but did not (what good would it do). When a good chunk of the paperwork for people of that population has to be redone over and over again--even with correct addresses, even when they do what we tell them to do and the things STILL DON'T SHOW UP--something is wrong here. Other than proofreading their addresses and asking for the names of whoever lives there, I don't know what the bleep else I can do when they mail them within the US (I have even less control over the international mess). It literally does not make sense that that population doesn't receive their mail very frequently, Even if they actually live at their address, they very frequently don't get their mail. I don't get it either! I can't even pretend that this is nearly as much of a problem with everyone else. Even other international populations don't have nearly this bad of a problem. But 95% of our international population is this group and they have problems more than they don't. How do you point out that A Certain Population Has Constant Chronic Problems (and to be fair, Grandboss admits that this is a very vocal population because they have to be) without being (word redacted)? You can't, apparently. So, yes, I am a horrible (word redacted, I'm sure you've guessed it) person.

(e) Oh, and here's a fun one, SOMEONE HAS COMPLAINED TO THE GOVERNOR ABOUT ME. Yes, I've managed to circumvent the CEO of my giant org and they went straight to the GOVERNOR. Okay, so me not by name, but Grandboss made sure I was informed that this was ALL MY FAULT even though I LITERALLY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS. Apparently person did not receive Important Document. I have literally never heard of this person and neither had my boss. I looked it up and one of the in-office staff wrote down some cryptic note about the mailing circa August and that is all I could find. I asked, why can't we ask that person about this, maybe they might remember something, and was ignored. (This is why I can't complain about anyone else.) Anyway, it looks like at some point that person mailed it out, I am guessing from the cryptic note. What I don't get is that this person said she tried to reorder another one 4 times and was rejected 4 times. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I found NO evidence of this and said so and got told, "This was over the phone!"

Apparently she doesn't think she needs to pay and someone told her she has to. Technically speaking, I don't think she had to--if the thing was lost in the mail this year she'd be eligible for a freebie anyway, and it sounds like she was dealing with a new employee that I haven't even met, I'm sure the new girl got confused because the freebie rule is kind of confusing and not obvious. The freebie rule is based on the last date of mailing, not the date that the Official Document was issued on, as usually it takes us a few months to get that stuff printed and mailed.

But anyway, she's mad and she complained to the governor and it was made clear that it is my fault even though LITERALLY NOBODY TOLD ME OR ASKED ME IF SHE GETS A FREEBIE OR ANYTHING. Not that I get to grant the freebies, mind you, but I got lectured about how I should be advocating that this person get $100+ of rush mailing freebies. This is entirely a decision that is supposed to be made by management and every time someone wants a freebie of that nature, I ask my boss about it (and so far, she's said no, she's not as easy as my guy boss was), but Grandboss wants to, so there you go. I don't really care if they don't care on the money, mind you,

I don't mind ordering a rush (I just hate dealing with the money drama of it all) but seriously, literally four times and nobody mentions it to me if it's THAT HUGE A PROBLEM? Coulda had this done months ago if someone had just passed me her effing form or told me what was going on or anything. I don't feel like I should have to take the blame about something that literally I wasn't effing told about. I'm happy to order another one in 5 bleeping minutes (and did today, mind you), but come on. I didn't tell her she had to pay, I would have said otherwise, I would have ordered a new one without arguing about it. But IT'S MY FAULT.

Really, it just felt like drama over "Um, why didn't someone ask about this and I could just stick 'em on the next reorder?" Like, if this came up FOUR TIMES FOR REAL, why is there no evidence of this? Why did no one ask me or my boss or anything? It's just all bizarre.

Why do people encourage me to stand up for myself? EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF DEFENSE DOES ME NO GOOD AND GETS ME IN TROUBLE. I AM GUILTY FOR THINGS I LITERALLY DID NOT EVEN KNOW WAS HAPPENING. And yes, it's my fault even if I had nothing to do with it.

(f) Oh yeah, and I also misspell emails and have I tried Grammarly? I really should have Grammarly. Everyone should have Grammarly. We will make you download Grammarly even though we admit that won't fix how you literally say EVERYTHING WRONG THAT YOU POSSIBLY COULD TO ANY HUMAN BEING, BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS WRONG.

I'm gonna note that I'm fucking stinko right now and staggering when I get up and CRYING while I type and yet I am not misspelling shit. I don't know where this came from and they didn't specifically pull up whatever email they found offensive on THAT ONE, but OF COURSE I AM WRONG, BECAUSE I LITERALLY NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT ISN'T HORRIBLE.

Grandboss calls herself brilliant. Literally just bragged about it. I call myself a fucking moron who deserves to die for her own stupidity. If I ever kill myself without coming down with a horrible degenerative disease first, IT WILL BE 100% BECAUSE OF THIS JOB. I know I shouldn't say that, but I DON'T CARE. BEING HORRIBLE ALL THE TIME IN THEIR EYES MAKES ME NOT WANT TO LIVE. How the hell can I ever get another job if I'm the worst person of all time and literally everything I say is offensive? It's up to you to fix yourself, they say, but I'm always finding some other way to make them mad that doesn't even occur to me about now. I always find a new fresh way to offend.

So I spent the rest of the day asking my boss how to write emails and she told me exactly what to write--and I never even got close to getting what she wanted. We got one weird email in the group box and I asked my boss about it and she said "Don't do what he asked, that's not permitted," and then my newer teammate was all, oh, I didn't know you were in there, and I apologize and said I'd get out, and then she said that she did what the guy asked. UH-OH. Did she get in trouble for that? Did she have to have her emails vetted before she wrote back to the guy? No and no. It's just me who is always bad and wrong.

I hate myself so much. I'm just such a fucking failure. I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to figure out this fucking problem that I cannot come up with a solution for of making a living enough to survive and have health insurance. If I can't please them here because everything I say is wrong, how the hell could I ever get a job elsewhere? I wouldn't hire me. I deserve to be fired, homeless, and dead. Someday I'm sure that'll happen to me because I DESERVE IT.

I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to figure out how to survive. Either I put up with this or....there is nothing. I wouldn't hire me. I'm horrible. I deserve to die for this, for not being "service oriented," for saying too much or not at all, for rubbing everyone the wrong way over and over and over and over again. If I was dead I wouldn't have to care about or keep putting up with this in order to live.

At least they waited to rip me new holes until from 1-2:30 on a Friday (they booked an hour for it and were having so much fun they kept on going, Grandboss only stopped once she had another meeting to go to), so I only had to endure it for so long before I could get away and get drunk for the entire weekend. I am sooooooo drunk right now I shouldn't be walking around, she says after putting away some food. Who cares, it doesn't matter and I can't leave home anyway, I might as well get stinko. Dry January my ass, I never do it, January is the month of the year I want to get the drunkest.

Mom asked how I was doing. Bad decision, that.

Tonight's viewing: I'm too drunk for most of what I watched tonight, except WandaVision 4: The Commercial Break (or whatever). I waited to sober up a bit since I haven't been able to concentrate on shit, but you can't avoid the spoilers forever.

In which we see literally everyone re-coalesce from nothing in a hospital. Monica (formerly Geraldine's)'s mom Maria died while she was gone. The Snapback has occurred. Welcome to SWORD HQ. ("Someone really wanted the initials to spell SWORD," I say.) "The world's not the same as you left it," the director says. Welcome to Westview, NJ! It doesn't exist. It's a missing TOWN case that won't let Jimmy Woo investigate. Monica tries flying in a drone and goes up to the energy field to poke it and gets sucked in. Darcy from the Thor movies joins the camp outside the city, noting that they called in a lot of people and they must have NO clue what's going on.

"Look, I know it's been a crazy few years on this planet, but this guy's dead, right? Not blipped. Dead." Darcy had them load in a very old TV to watch WandaVision! I love Darcy and I have missed her, I just realized this. '"So you're saying the universe created a sitcom creating 2 Avengers?" "It's a working theory." Welcome to "the Westview anomaly." They start ID'ing people in the show, Monica included. Agent Woo tries to call via radio.

I'm still not sure on who the beekeeper is or what is going on with that, but they showed it. Later, Darcy and Jimmy break out the popcorn to watch the baby episode. (I guess the 80's are on next week?) Darcy is invested in the show and then "Did she just say Ultron?!" "What happened? Where'd she go?" Then the alarms sound.

We see Wanda blasting Monica out of her reality. Leaving big ol' holes in several walls. She fixes them. Then Vision comes in and she briefly sees a big ol' dent in his head. "We can go wherever we want," he says. "No, we can't," she says. She has everything under control.

Poor shellshocked Monica. "It's all Wanda." The family settles down to watch television.

So I love this episode. This is getting good, y'all. This is the kind of thing I was in it for.

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