Chaos Attraction

For Asshole

2021-01-31, 6:49 p.m.

Today I forced myself to get up early and do my every two weeks of driving at 9 a.m. It was fine. Nothing going on. My car was covered in debris/poop/god knows what after all the storms, so I felt obligated to wash it again even though I just washed it two weeks ago and it'll probably be just as bad after the rains start up again. This is how my life is going.

Collage club (we need to rename) was emotional today, mostly because of me and work. On the good news side, Jade got the first vaccine shot, being in England, and Sarah Brown told about getting together with her husband and the proposal and how they draw hearts in the sand (awww), and she said she did a list/intentions letter thing about what she wanted in a guy and she met him five months later, even if it sounds like it took around a year and a half to get together, I think? She also had a heart ring she used to wear, but said she couldn't wear it any more after he proposed. I think because the job was done, as it were.

Anyway, I ended up having to tell about my job, and crying, and they were all "don't believe bad things about yourself," but with regards to work, how can I not? It unfortunately doesn't matter how well or badly I think of myself, or what anyone other than the bosses think. Only they matter because they hold my life in their hands. They were talking about self-love and all that stuff, but honestly I do not care. I feel fine about myself as long as I'm not thinking about work, but I earn what treatment I get at work. I am genuinely terrible. I don't want to help, I'm not a good problem solver, I rub people the wrong way, I say everything wrong, and I'm scared of the clientele. It seems like if I ever get relatively comfortable, I get myself in trouble again, so I NEED to feel badly at work, don't I? I need to remember that I'm shit and I can't handle anything. I can't do my job and feel good about myself.

I feel like I've tried about everything one can do there except psychiatric leave (not that that would make it better, so no point), quitting, or suicide with regards to work. There isn't a sane, reasonable, life-supporting solution to the problem of me not being what they want, but not being what anyone else wants either. I feel like what's the point of trying to get out when I couldn't even manage jobs that should have been ones that I would have been wanted for. I'm in a room with no windows, doors, skylight, or even cracks in the walls. There's no escape. I'm exhausted and depressed on this topic and trying to get out only makes it worse. Why keep trying. Might as well wait until these two move on and we see if whoever I get next is better or worse. My managers don't seem to last for more than a few years any more since the office won't promote them, higher ups either get other jobs or retire. I've outlasted everyone except for the two remaining members of the Shark Tank, and I don't have any contact with one and I won't have much with the other any more since her boss has decided to take over the one thing she had to keep asking me to do. The only thing I'm good at is being a cockroach, somehow nobody ever actually manages to kill me.

I appreciate the support, at least. I haaaaaaaaaaaate crying over Zoom, but they were nice and supportive.

Other than that, I walked around for nearly 2 hours. I went outside for awhile since it was over 60, sunnyish, and not raining. I finished a vest. I watched the rest of Florida Storytelling. I found out that both the Charlotte's Web theater and Winters already have shows running in the future and I didn't even know about if there were any opportunities to be in them. I'm not 100% shocked on the former since I know I should have been checking Facebook (blech) and didn't to check, but how is Linda announcing a show of love stuff without even having auditions? Oh well, she asked people last time, and lord knows I wouldn't ask me for anything, that doesn't make me feel any better. Why wasn't I asked?

Seanan McGuire's Patreon mailing list had a picture of one of her cats sitting in a box labeled "Fort Asshole." I love it. And at least nothing is wrong with my car, according to the maintenance email they send. So there's that, at least.

I read a Carolyn Hax letter about how a lady's sister-in-law has had a LARGE GROUP CHAT going for a year and a half about how much the letter writer sucks and how they all hate her. Of course the letter writer doesn't fit in with the husband's family at all. Carolyn suggested asking the sister-in-law what she did to deserve it, and then someone else said a relative said to her face that she hated her just because she was born. My reactions: (a) the hate group chat thing sounds EXACTLY like what in-laws are likely to do, and if group chat had been around when I still had to deal with my dad's relatives, I'm sure they would have been doing that against me and my mother, and (b) I absolutely expect that someday in my life, at least one person is going to say to my face that they hate me just because I was born and exist. I know a lot of people who do, after all. What I would expect for the poor letter writer is that her husband's family will insist that she still come to every family gathering and "forgive and forget" and it will all be HER fault for not wanting to go to family gatherings because the sister-in-law is there, taking notes for the hate board. That's typical evil family shit. I should be grateful I'm single so I don't have to be openly hated among the relatives too. My remaining ones may be apathetic, but that's a vast improvement from what I could be getting.

Mom called wanting to "problem solve this" and asked if they gave me any helpful tips. Oh, they gave me a looooooooooong list of tips, I said. I also said repeatedly that I don't want to problem solve this with her, what does she think I've been thinking about near-constantly all weekend? She backed off, and then Roger showed up with Chinese so she got off the phone.

I haven't really felt up to recapping the rest of Florida (though I did like the manatee made a terrible sand(?) manatee and won third place, later a manatee somehow shows up in Memphis), but my last namesake in this show got the final slot, for a reason. Here is what she told: A depressed lady named Joy finds a flier in the grocery store for "Change Your Habits, Change Your Life," and a lady's name and phone number and call-in hours. It's call in hours, so she does it. The lady, Margaret, asks her three things: what's something you've always wanted to do and never done, what's something you don't like about yourself, and what's something you use every day and you hate. "Pick one of those things. Change it. Call me back," Margaret says, and hangs up.

Should probably mention that Joy's answers were dance, my weight, and my hair dryer. Joy throws it out and buys a new one and calls back. She also got rid of the living room furniture. Margaret says the same thing: change the second thing, call me back. So Joy starts walking around and not doing other things while she eats. Of course Margaret says to just do the last thing and call back, so she signs up at a dance studio. Then the next time she calls...Margaret died. "My people will remember me," the lady on the phone at the nursing home says.

I'm not sure how I'd answer these things for myself... it'd be something like "get married" for the first one (not under my control, albeit I'm not desperate about it), the second trait is "how I make everyone else HATE ME," and I can't physically throw out my shitty garbage disposal. I don't feel like I have a lot of control over those. If I'd been able to figure out the second one, I wouldn't have a lot of these issues.

Back to Hallmark Channel:

Cloudy With A Chance of Love: Features Katie Leclerc (who I loved before her character was ruined on Switched at Birth), who plays Deb, a meteorologist at Pacifica U who gets called in VERY LAST MINUTE on the phone when the weatherman on a TV channel spontaneously rage-quits. The new producer, Quentin Sterling, heard her on the radio earlier and calls her up to explain the weather, which she explains enthusiastically like to a class of students. She's a hit and he gives her the gig. He points out that it could boost her profile, which she needs at work compared to a hottie in her department. I will note that they have her in Nerd Glasses and a ponytail and looking as plain and un-sparkly as possible, though they don't really "make her over" for her first on camera day. "At last, the news sounds smart," says Quentin.

I will note that this is from 2014 and is talking about climate change, floods and drought and all the stuff we hear about circa 2018-19-20. Hallmark ahead of the curve in CA, even if this is in San Diego.

Anyway, Grant the silver fox newscaster who made the other guy quit approves because "she's the perfect foil for me." And Deb's job prospects suddenly go from middling to fairly bad (budget cuts) and she's gonna need that TV money ($2,500/week). Between Vera at work shitting on her and some guy on the internet talking about her "face for radio," she finally agrees to a makeover. I'm amazed that it's taken most of an hour to get to the makeover on this show.

Then a tornado happens, which hasn't happened since the 90's? TELL ME ABOUT IT FROM LAST YEAR, GIRLFRIEND. Quentin mutters "She looks like everyone else now" after the makeover. They also get in a snit because she insists on cutting to the chase rather than dragging out useful info for 20 minutes. What does Quentin do for fun? "Work and eat." "That's....sad." "What's your secret?" "I just looooove having my picture taken." -Grant and Deb We find out that Quentin got canned in NYC because he held off on running a story he thought was dubious (and he was right), but the other networks ran it and they'd rather have a hit and a retraction. Meanwhile, he's got a job offer for the both of them (this is sounding Cinderella-y) and Deb's heart isn't exactly in her dissertation these days.

Deb finally has enough of Vera's shit and is all "Look, you're on your way up, almost everyone likes you, why do you have to shit on me all the time? Her response: "I dunno, what's enough?" I will note for her dissertation that Deb takes out the contacts, wipes off the lipstick, removes the earrings, and brings back the ponytail after Vera talks to her in the bathroom. Hmmmmmm. She also says that she likes educating people about the weather, which is why she went on TV in the first place. I'm not sure how dissertation speeches go....I assume not like this, though? Like, doesn't she go through a whole slide show or what the hell ever? Anyway, Vera is probably going to win, Quentin shows up late but with a job offer. She freaks that he was "shopping her around" and uh.... But that is BIG MONEY they are offering in San Diego...but she wants to stay in academia....Sweetums, academia is a toilet. And when she tells some guy no, he's gonna bust her over being in her friend Fran's documentary being a competing thing (which uh....she was filming before she got the gig...uh....)

She got the fellowship over Vera! That's a surprise! Truth be told, I'm not sure what the hell to root for in this movie. I generally want what the character wants, but ACADEMIA IS A TOILET. Grant thinks Quentin to admit he was a jerk, or at least using Deb to get back to NYC is. Meanwhile, jerky boss guy somehow makes it sound like the documentary thing was a big ol' blackmail scheme with Quentin? That does not sound right. Quentin pulls the pen out of her hand and fires her to get her out of her contract. Quentin is fired too, or at least that guy tries. He just threw NYC away for her. Awwwwww. They kiss and it's surprisingly glorious...or maybe it's that background music.

So the William and Kate Lifetime movie is now online!

Already it seems quite fake because Prince Charles tells William he's proud of him and has fond memories of his mother. We are told a lot that William is supposed to be "free" at college without media scrutiny. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, I'd say, but actually I don't remember all that much media shit from his college days so I guess it mostly worked.

His neighbor shows up in tux, top hat, with beer, asking to be his wingman and slipping him a CV. Ian just wants the leftovers. Charming.

Meanwhile, Kate would literally just rather take a shower than chase after him. Um....yeah right. "Royals only marry royals," says some snotty blonde who claims to have known him since his babyhood.

William goes to lunch with "the boys" and tells them all that he tells new people ridiculous stories about himself and then see which ones make it into the tabloids. This seems like a bad idea to reveal this strategy on first acquaintance?

W&K are in the same study group. OH, AND SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. I don't remember THAT. "The whole family's bonkers, give it time," says The Baxter.

Oh, there's some random "Princess Emily." "A prince does not get serious about a commoner," all the drunk Brits say. I SEE THE CONFLICT IN THIS MOVIE ALREADY.

Cut to the fashion show, in which Kate wears a see-through dress and William is entranced. That dress is actually fancier/nicer than the original one, which is still see-through, but fugly navy with no sparkles. He tries to kiss her and she's all "We're just friends." Kate's boyfriend of 1 minute breaks up with her because she won't transfer to his school and he won't do an LDR.

Wills invites his mates home for the weekend. "We're going to have to use our party manners." "If you mean shower and not throw up on the carpet, yes." Later they all move in together and wonder if William can actually cook things. Both girls don't want to go in there when the alarm is going off. "It's the curry all over again." Guy Roommate finds a bra and claims to go Cinderella with the shoe about it.

"You're not going to try to kiss me again, are you?" "Wouldn't dream of it," they say, and do it anyway. Guy Roommate walks in while Kate's sleeping over. "Can I borrow your dictionary? Hullo, Kate." he says, all casual.

It's William's birthday and he doesn't pay too much attention to Kate at it. Once again, Kate is scorned by some snotty rich bitch who is going on and on about Wills' "first love." and how he'd NEVER actually date someone whose parents own a party store company. "Margaret, you can be a real bitch." "So I've been told." Kate goes home to mum and dad to cry. "I never want to talk to him again." Too bad you're on a lease with him. Later he argues that he has to be a certain way in public, if everyone knows they're together they will get harassed, etc. They shouldn't be having this fight in the halls at school, I think?

William invites the Middletons to ski by calling her brother. Dirty pool. He apologizes with PUBLIC KARAOKE APOLOGY. Pretty sure I would have heard about that if it was real.

Prince Charles conspicuously pouts for the cameras while out skiing. "Yes, I'm SO happy." William distracts them by making out in public. Next thing you know Margaret is kissing Kate on the cheeks and kissing her ass and Kate is all "Last weekend you were telling me I wasn't good enough for him." Margaret is all "You're so lucky to be going out with him!" "He's so lucky to be going out with ME," Kate says.

Kate and William shack up, graduate, and get jobs/go to military. Kate can't get bodyguards, but she does get training in curtsying and not flashing her crotch at the camera. I think it's hilarious that Mr. Wingman is lecturing Wills on how his life is going to go, like he doesn't know better than Mr. Wingman? The "Waity Katie" dreariness begins, and Wills says the dreaded word "space" and Kate does the smart thing: gets the fuck out of the car. If a guy wants space, move to Pluto and never even try to see him again, I say.

Kate drinks in the bathtub with tabloids on the floor. This is followed by the "I'LL SHOW HIM BY BEING HOT AND GOING PARTYING!" segment, which I already enjoy a lot more and is very empowering. "If they didn't want us skating in that fountain, they shouldn't have filled it with water." One tabloid spells it "Waitie Katie." William mopes at home alone. He finally calls (in the rain!) and she's all "I can't hear you, can I call back later?" COLD AS ICE. He calls her mother.

William finds out via television that his mother's death was just a tragic accident. "This life destroyed her." She knew what she was getting into, says Charles, which is a total lie. Charles blames it on Diana being attention seeking. Why didn't you protect her, says William.

Finally he goes to bug Kate during her rowing practice in front of all the girls. "Can we have a moment?" "I'm busy, can't this wait?" No! HE STARTS TAKING OFF HIS CLOTHES AND SO DO THE BODYGUARDS. Okay, FINE, Kate dives into the water. I am laughing and laughing. Pretty sure I would have heard if this one was real too! He apologizes, not in song this time, wants her back. They kiss, the girls cheer. He proposes in Africa. Waity no longer! They show the actual Royal Wedding footage here. (Poor balding William. From up top is not his angle for filming.)

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