Chaos Attraction

Still Tired

2005-02-01, 1:34 p.m.

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I'm a tired, tired girl. In a lot of ways.

Most of the time of late (see last entry), I'm actually physically tired. Ever since the whole gym thing started up, I've been going to bed around 10 every night. This is something I couldn't manage as a freaking child, but 2 hours of workout + 1/2 hour walk home + shower + food = ready for bed now. I'm not getting a whole lot done BESIDES the gym (as elphaba pointed out on 3WA, it's making exercise my primary hobby to do what I'm doing) of late.

But emotionally, I'm worn out too.

Going into my apartment is tiring because I have to deal with the apartment mess, which feels like it'll never end. I am trying to spend as little time at home as possible. It's not like I didn't already have a pile of books to read through at home on Sunday, but that didn't stop me from spending hours at the bookstore, AGAIN, looking for something to do that wasn't at home doing what I was supposed to be doing. The trash desperately needs to be taken out, but am I doing it? No. I have to pick up food for tomorrow night, but have I done that yet? Nope. I don't want to deal with my home. The flood recovery never ends, it seems.

Work, as mentioned last time so I won't recap, is being more tiring than usual. Not massively so quite yet, but eventful.

I don't even need to comment about my family for this one. Y'all know this.

And also as mentioned, it's been almost a year since the end of things with Dave. It's been a good year (flooding trauma aside) for the most part. I've been better off not spending my life worrying about when or if he'll get his act together and what other disaster's going to happen to him, and instead, um, worrying about when or if I'll get MY act together and wondering what other disasters will happen to me. Heh.

Well, at least my shit is more under my control than worrying about his shit ever was. I don't feel quite so insanely frustrated about things that I can't really do anything about, and I don't feel like my life is being controlled by his inability to control anything in his. I think that's something I really dislike about coupledom- having to have everything revolve around "we" and if one person ain't ready, it goes nowhere. I don't do well in partnerships, I want to move on my own without having to perennially be held up by someone. Or not move, as the case may be.

In a lot of ways, I'm better off than I was a year ago.

But the strange thing is, I still don't feel emotionally recovered. I still feel... sucked dry, is the best way to put it. I don't even feel like I'm *starting* to recover from that. Given that we were together for two years, maybe it just means I've got another year to recover from on that feeling. Or maybe my parents have something else to do with the emotionally hosed feelings- that I'm needed way too much over there. Either way, I don't want to be needed, and I don't particularly want to give of myself and let someone else in, and I'm not feeling the need for someone to need me, so...fuck it all, eh?

(There's a reason for this recap of stuff you've already read, honest. Just keep going.)

Right now, I just want my life to be calm and quiet. No more chaotic upsets. Nothing new. At least, not until I feel recovered from the last bouts, eh?

It's kind of funny. I'm signed up for a bunch of online classes this quarter, mostly at VU.org, and what are they? Stress busting, dream analysis, organization (which I'll probably pass on to Mom), and numerology. And I'm also signing up for the basic astrology online course off Astrological Predictions, assuming I figure out how to work the Canadian funds thing. Kinda pricey, but I don't know anyone local to teach me, and Bev's always been a friendly sort on her message board, so what the hell. I really want to figure this stuff out somehow.


What prompted this whiny entry, you ask? Why, my
monthly horoscope
, of course! Which is Extremely Fucking Positive!, but somehow managed to depress me anyway :P Mainly because it's so damned great and I just have no interest in participating in any of this Great Promise.

"Lots of career opportunities will be thrown your way this month, so get set for people to fuss over you! If you have hoped to be promoted or wooed by another company, this month will make that dream come true. Rarely have you had planetary power of this magnitude! This month a crown of stars--Venus, Mercury, Neptune, the Sun and new moon--will shine in your tenth house of professional dignity and success. That is a WOW in anyone's book!"

Um, why on earth would any other company care about me at this point? As for promotion, this isn't likely to happen at this time. So, um, I don't think so?

"All this energy will kick into action at the new moon on February 8. From that point on, your phone should ring off the hook. If you have been unemployed, this month's aspects should be music to your ears. What is even more remarkable is that all the planets I named in your tenth house of fame will be in a perfect angle to Jupiter. Even though Jupiter will retrograde from February 1 to June 5 (and while Jupiter naps, it will not be quite as powerful), you can expect progress. Let's not forget that having Jupiter's favor under ANY conditions is a good thing! You will see this to be true this month!
Jupiter is in your sixth house of projects so these days you are the recipient of plum assignments."

(Okay, "plum assignments", no, not even possible with my job right now. But "management stuff that I got dragged into temporarily", yes.)

"With all the planets in your house of career status and awards, it's clear that the work you do now will either add to your shot at greater success or detract from it--the power to get ahead is yours. It's rare to see such a direct link between these two houses, but you have it. The day the Sun and Jupiter will be perfectly aligned will be February 7, a five-star day. (Keep in mind you don't have to have an exact hit to enjoy this aspect, in terms of the date. It moves slowly enough to be in effect plus or minus one week.)
Planets in Aquarius (and all five planets are in that sign) point to work in a whole new area, such as in the sciences, mathematics, computers, or something involving clubs, a community, charity or humanitarian concerns.
You have a rare and important opportunity to make a name for yourself this month, dear Taurus. You must take full advantage! You won't have five planets helping you in many, many years to come! After all, this represents half the energy of the solar system, and you are holding that energy in the palm of your hand."

Hmm. Guess that means I'll be up to something interesting at the Craft Center this month.

Here's the part that depressed me, or at least made me feel tired.

"I am trying hard to get you to take this month's gifts seriously. Plan to put yourself out there so you CAN get lucky. Sometimes you simply have to show that you 1) have the right credentials, and 2) are open and available to new offers. Higher-ups might suppose you are perfectly content to stay put if you don't speak up, so do! If you don't have the right experience, have a chat with your boss and find out what you need to do to make yourself a more attractive candidate. Sometimes it means being transferred into another department to get the experience, and other times it means going back to school. If you discover your company has underestimated your potential, leave! "

Honestly...I don't want to "put myself out there." I went and looked at the job ads after reading this bit of nagging, and the only thing I was remotely qualified for (i.e. didn't require me to be good at financials or driving or event planning, which I'd hate) was this one. (Note the date on it?! Yeah, that gave me the creeps.) I must admit that were I unemployed right now, I'd be on this job like King Kong on Spanish fly. I'd be excited about it. Hell, I don't think I'd have the time to be bored at that job the way I am now.
But now? I'm looking for excuses NOT to apply for it. "Reception experience preferred" and "Experience working with undergraduate students preferred" are kind of red flags with HR, since I technically have neither. And truth be told, even if I was rabid to get out of here, I don't particularly want to jump to another department. This one is essential and protected in budget cuts, whereas something in internships wouldn't be considered such.

I don't even care about my poor neglected potential any more. I am such a Lifer it's sad. I'm not interested in chasing my dreams if it means taking risks and upending everything. If that means that when Saturn Return comes around I get canned or tortured at work or something like that because I refused to do anything about fulfilling my potential and becoming a LEADER before that time and the universe decides it has to force me into it, then so fucking be it. (Even if this page is fucking ominous.)

I'd rather just be excited about my current job rather than have to flee the coop in order not to be bored. I want an interesting project, dammit. I think everyone around here does.

We did have a meeting today (not that I'm getting into work details here) that had me leaving feeling strangely hopeful, like if certain things came to pass, things could get more interesting. But who knows if that'll happen, as usual.

"On the subject of creativity, with the beautiful interaction of Jupiter and Neptune now, it is time to contribute your ideas, even if you think they may need more development. There is no harm in talking about a concept you are kicking around--sometimes getting input at the very beginning is a good idea."

I guess that's what the craftblog is for.

"If you are a retired person, college student or an at-home parent, you can still take advantage of all this! This vibration is about rising to the top of your community or industry, creating a buzz about your name; it's also about marking you as a leader."

I DON'T WANT TO BE A LEADER. I WANT TO BE A SHEEP. What part of "don't want to LEAD anyone" do you not get?

"So if you are retired, for example, you can volunteer to help small business owners, or if you are a college student you can try out for the lead in the school play. A stay-at-home Dad could volunteer for the PTA (Parent Teacher Association, or something similar), or work on the co-op board of the apartment building you live in. When a person has planets stacking up in the tenth house, others get to know his/her name, even if no one especially noticed before. Never think, "This is not about me." Everything I write is all about you!"

Um......

Fuck.

Changing topics and cutting a few paragraphs not related to me because I don't travel for work... here's some more blarney.

"Speaking of romance, this year's Valentine's Day will have your name written all over it!"

Note to self: change name.

"What a fantastic day! First of all, your ruler, Venus, will kiss Neptune, the planet of love and glamour--that's a perfect, classic aspect for Valentine's Day! On top of that you will have the moon in Taurus! My goodness, you are lucky this month!
Venus and Neptune will be at their best mid month, so if you were thinking of taking Monday, February 14 off for long weekend away, I second the idea!"

Considering that I'm doing that the NEXT weekend to get my eyes checked, my back massaged, and my hair done, and with one of those days being handed to me for free, I think I won't. Thanks anyway!

"If you are single, you will find that your best shot at meeting someone new will be at work. No surprise on that score--you'll practically be living at the office this month!"

This is admittedly true, but have I mentioned that none of our new hires of late are guys? Guess I'll be doing some switch-hitting.

"Often when two people work closely their positive qualities become more obvious to each other, and before you know it, they start to have feelings for a coworker. In your case, the person you date, if you do date someone in the office, will be a VIP or client with a senior title."

Oh, so in other words, it'll be a REALLY BAD IDEA to date them, then? Yeah, I'll go jump one of the married female managers at work any second now.

"While Valentine's Day will be hands-down your favorite date night (and if you have no date, to enjoy the company of friends)"

Boy, is THAT ever not happening, considering that most of mine are out of town or AWOL, and my lone single friend in town is taking CPR class that night. I will be enjoying the company of my gym, trying not to go home while my roommate gets a Valentine's sexfest and fifty thousand gifts. Lord, I hate trying to find somewhere unromantic to go on Valentine's Day.

"you will have a number of other fun date nights. I like February 5 because the moon will be in Capricorn,"

Yeah, I'll be having a date....with my dance class.

"and February 19, with the moon in tender Cancer."

See aforementioned weekend plans involving personal pampering and no men.

"On top of all these days, you have the full moon, and for that, read on!
A full moon in your house of true love, February 24 (plus or minus four days), could bring a blossoming relationship to the fore. You seem to be very surprised by what's about to happen, as Uranus will be close to the Sun. If your relationship is strong, you will know it, but if just the opposite is true, you will know that, too. If you feel it is weak, you may leave. This full moon has that kind of make-it-or-break-it quality to it, but be grateful for the clarity it will bring.
If you were born on April 26 or within five days of that date, you will more likely be pleased with the events of this date."

Well, there's no relationships whatsoever around to blossom, so I don't think so! Even if my birthday's within five days, etc.

"Summary:
A wow of a career month is shaping up. Be mindful that it will be up to you to take advantage of the sparkling aspects on tap. If you work for someone who isn't interested in your creative ideas, consider making a switch to another company. In that case, be poised to send out feelers and have interviews just after the key new moon, February 8. You will have the Sun, moon, Mercury, Venus and Neptune behind you. What more could you ask?"

For a desire to completely upend my life in order to "take advantage of this great opportunity", apparently. Because without that, I could care the fuck less about moving on this.

"Undoubtedly, February will be the most important month of the year for career progress. If you opt to stay in your present job, new opportunities should open up, and they seem allow you to show your talents in the best light. A new assignment will enthuse you, and the camaraderie of coworkers should be a real boost. In all, home's not where the heart is this month--work is!"

Okay, I like THAT. I am totally fine with THAT.

"Travel is indicated now, but so are terrific opportunities in publishing, broadcasting, international commerce, and higher education."

Hmmm, where do I work again? Hee.

"Concerning romance, no surprise, you've been spending so much time at the office that it is likely that one special person there will develop an interest in you."

*counts number of single guys at work* Um, nope.

"If you do fall in love in February (and if single, there's a good chance you will)"

Hah. Not gonna happen.

"then it will be with someone who has high-powered job, possibly in the high-tech industry."

Doubt it, since I don't have contacts with those folks any longer.

"Married or single, come Valentine's Day, the moon will be in Taurus, and will favor YOU! With your ruler, Venus, cuddled close to glamorous Neptune, this could turn out to be a five-star holiday! It doesn't end there--the full moon on February 24 will be charged with high voltage electricity, too, almost guaranteeing a double dip of romantic pleasure this month if you have a strong relationship. If not, you'll part, but who needs a weak alliance? You have way too much going for you to be weighed down by anyone who doesn't appreciate you! You won't be single long, dear Taurus."

Wanna bet? I'm putting down a hundred on "will be still single by end of February, NYAH."


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