..as April Winchell says, frequently, "I got nothing."

*sigh*

Well, I suppose I made progress in small, little ways. I'm hitting about 80% on meeting my joesgoals.com personal goals consistently, so go me. I'm doing the affirmations thing twice a day, whether I'm feeling like I buy into that on that particular day or not. So all the stuff I mentioned in the first entry on this subject is totally working well so far. I made a nifty calendar to enter in a contest. (Not gonna win, but that's alright, I actually won a contest for painting a rubber duck like a cow this week. It's on the craft blog.)

Big stuff, however? Still hasn't changed. Still stuck. Still feel stoopid and like I really let myself down that I'm not done by today.

I am very much on the borderline of scrapping the idea of making this be a big year for...something... altogether. I have restrained myself from posting entries this week where I would have whined at great length about how maybe I just don't have the motivation to do anything and all I really do want to do is to live a little life, slacking off and doing crafts at home and nothing changing. I think half of me DOES want this, and as per my usual, the two halves are at 50/50 and the only reason any side (in this case, the side of no change) wins is due to inertia, and the fact that it's already in place.

I'd like to do something big, a la the entry from My Shrapnel that I mentioned here, but I don't know what. I have no interest in moving (at least, not once I come home from a trip, because after a week at home I lose major interest in it), and I don't want to go to grad school. Traveling, well, already doing lots of that and it's fun, but I don't see myself doing the world tour for a year. Can't think of a new career to take up, though that was my @$%$% original Big Goal to set in the first place.

If I don't move and I don't go back to school, is there anything ELSE big one can do? I truly can't come up with anything. I'm frustrated all to hell that I can't get myself motivated enough, wanting enough, to climb any mountain for one particular goal.

According to the books, there's plenty of reasons for it:
(a) fear of change/failure (check!)
(b) not having a mentor who's already done what you've done to show you the way (well, certainly true)
(c) you have issues up the wazoo (duh)
(d) you need a concrete plan (still don't have any)
(e) you need ready, willing, and able friends and allies that can help (sorta? depends on situation)

I made a lot of lists of reasonable goals, such as "start own craft business." I'd love to sell crafts. The problem being is, I really, really don't want to run my own business. I don't want the first enough to put up with the second, because I realized that selling mostly makes me feel bummed out and all butthurt (when it isn't going well) and totally drained of all energy. (Amusingly enough, I talked to Ian the other night about this, and he's got the whole booth-selling thing set up...except for the part where he doesn't want to spend his weekends working a booth. I hear that.)

Every time, the practical reality of what I'd have to do stumps me. Either I don't want to do it, or I haven't the faintest clue how to do it. I made the list in its entirety of all practical things I could do, where there are issues, and what my motivation is to do any of them. None of them went above a five on a 1-10 scale of motivation for me. I just don't wanna do ANYTHING all that bad.

Tonight I started looking through Your Heart's Desire. I gather the thing in this one is that your Heart's Desire does NOT have to be practical and realistic, in fact, practical and realistic tends to shoot you the fuck down. (For example, one guy who decides his is to go to law school because his parents will pay for that and years later, he can have money to go work on films. To which Sonia is all, "um, you don't WANT to go to law school at all, do you?," and he is all, "I've been trying to make myself apply for two years." He eventually went to film school.)

I, however, am stumped on the practical. Sonia is obviously of the Tree-Hugging Hippie ilk (as am I, but to a much smaller degree comparatively), but my particular branch of THH behavior says there's this thing called acting in accord. Otherwise known as, "You can cast a spell for a new job all you like, but if you don't go looking for jobs and sending out resumes, the spell ain't gonna work." Sonia is more of a "what you want will come to you if you really want it, don't rule stuff out because it is impractical and unreasonable" sort. I do not see how the one works without the other, and I am stumped again. I need the practical in order to get it to come about. Saying the visualization sentences is certainly fine, but by the end of the year, if I don't do anything consciously to make any of them come about, will anything happen? Dur, probably not.

And in all honesty? What I REALLY TRULY want is...not attainable in reality.

So, here I am, stumped and stoopid again, and my deadline's up. ARGH does not even begin to summarize this one.

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