This entry brought to you by:

(a) Guess what, it's not even mid-February yet and it's lease renewal time! Guess I'll be staying here forever and ever!

(b) Me going to yet another career counseling-ish presentation at lunch and as usual, leaving feeling annoyed at myself and the entire world.

My circular logic:

Problem #1: I want a more creative career as a day job. This is like a constant whine in my brain.

Posited Solutions:
(a) start my own business.
(b) be a manager/boss
(c) freelance.

Problem #2: I absolutely do not want to do any of the following, all of which would be solutions to this problem: I hate dealing with the money. I want a regular paycheck and health insurance. I don't want to be in charge of telling other humans what to do. Dealing with money and managing humans makes me insane and screamy and makes the creativity fun go away. Can't count on someone else to be my money nanny. Shouldn't anyway for fear of ending up scammed and broke. Don't want to "take a leap" and trust to my lack of acumen and end up forced to live with my mom. Which would kind of make me want to die. Thinking of not having security MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM AND SCREAM. That's worse than just whining boredom. As far as I am concerned, the posited solutions are worse than the problem, because my current boredom would be replaced with perpetual panic and fear. Not acceptable.

Desire: to have creative job with regular paycheck and health insurance, in which I am not in charge of business/supervising other humans. Sounds reasonable, right?

Problem #3: That does not exist, or at least I haven't found anything that combines those things. The closest I have seen are supervisory jobs (and hard to get into anyway). Do not want.

What it really boils down to is: I want the same kind of situation that I am in now-- relatively secure job with health insurance and regular paycheck-- except with creativity.

Problem #4: That job doesn't exist any more. Used to have one like that, lost it yonks ago, as have most of the people I knew with jobs like that. Haven't found anything like that in a less crapped-out industry. And creative jobs are the most expendable anyway.

So why don't you just: stay in the job you have now? Except for being bored, you're doing just fine! You have plenty of free time for hobbies! Nothing wrong with that! It's safe and you can afford all those books and yarn! Nobody makes you work overtime or do shifts or stand on your feet all day! You're not forced to SMILE or make coffee! It's pretty ideal, really!

Solution: So I always go back to: stay where I am, don't try to force myself into being a shitty businesswoman. Just settle. Everything's okay, right? It's okay. I can stand it. I've stood it for nine years now. I can do it forever.

Except for: the boredom and inner whining, which continues to whine at me and won't shut up.

And then the cycle starts again and again and again. I'm goddamned sick of that cycle, but I don't see a way off that doesn't lead to me ending up homeless or living with Mom. Which, again, is worse than the problem.

On some level, I "know what I want." It's just not freaking specific, like a job title or job position. It's very vague and fuzzy no matter how many books I read, no matter how many career counseling sessions and talks I go to, no matter what stupid career quizzes I take (surprise, I like writing and art! No shit!), blah blah blah. I can't nail down a goal or an intended job. I have the horrifying feeling that I need to make up a job. Which once again goes right back to the circular logic of "don't want to actually do that, so no," and...repeat.

Why can't I just be someone who like, wanted to be a doctor? Something where all you have to do is jump through the set hoops and spend years and years at school and go on no sleep? Except for being easily grossed out, I'm totally good at that stuff! But "outside the box" thinking? Hah. Can't do it, because the need for security, thinking of how much money I spend, thinking "What happens if I come down with a disease?" means that I can't "outside the box," because you don't have health insurance outside of a box.

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