Chaos Attraction

Just Angsty Again

2021-02-09, 7:42 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
When A Love's Not Around - 2021-02-14
Busy Shows Day - 2021-02-13
A Chat - 2021-02-12
Batman Slaps Robin - 2021-02-11
Jossed - 2021-02-10


Cast list as of November 2019

Work had even less to do today! It was quite peaceful. The big news of the day was that one of my boss's kids decided to sneak out and fool around on his bike without a helmet and injured himself, eventually discovering that he did break a bone. Never a dull moment over there: either there's a medical emergency or creepy-crawlies are roaming around the house....

I listened to the impeachment hearings, or at least the prosecution (no point in listening to the idiot defense). I went outside and walked on the patio again. Mom called to say when this is all over, we're going on a trip somewhere. I was all, I don't care where, going to freaking Woodland where there's nothing to do would be excitement at this point.

But yep, it was confirmed that the B117/UK variant is right here in River City. I don't mean "Sacramento area" when I say that. In my town. Because of course it is. Can't even wait until March for that, and apparently it came from someone who went traveling. But is it ever going to be over if that just gets worse and worse? I read an article in the Atlantic that said this may never end and...yeah, makes me want to drink.

In other news, Kelly sent us the first draft of Act 2 and wanted some thoughts, so I just spent an hour barfing up thoughts. I think my deepest thoughts were regarding my character, Sarah, who's a young lesbian in 1970 and doesn't really seem to be afraid of the consequences of being one, compared to her girlfriend Michelle who just married a gay guy. I guess I'm wondering how the heck Sarah is so uncomplicated and fearless in 1970? She mostly seems very 2010's in dating in the drafts (except for the version where she had a boyfriend), without concerns of anyone coming after her. Now, so far I'm not a lesbian/bi (I live in hope, but so far no specific pants feelings for any ladies I have been emotionally attracted to) so I can't speak to that. I am a witchy sort, but I don't get much crap for it here. However, I have always been an obvious public weirdo and I relate to Michelle's wanting to not be targeted.

I guess I'm wondering how Sarah's never afraid of being out, even though she comes out to her parents in this and it's NBD. She's not afraid of bigots coming after her or anything? Maybe that's something for Kelly to consider. Okay, she wrote back, says she hasn't gotten crap for that and doesn't think of Sarah as getting any either, but that could just be a huge difference between her and Michelle. Well, good point there, that is a crucial difference in not understanding. Also, I don't think either of us is the right age to know how dating as a city lesbian would go in 1970 with regards to potential harassment. Too bad I don't feel like I can ask my neighbors, since pandemic/high risk, etc. And to be fair, that would be a little weird to go from "I like your bike"/saying hi to the doggie conversation to that, mind you...

Also, I need to discuss therapy today. Like a few weeks ago, I was all, "I have nothing to say this week, nothing happened," and today was the same, but instead the session came out great. My shrink is definitely (a) on fire with those moments somehow of late, and (b) definitely more into talking about boys these days, hahah. She met her husband when they were in some kind of group therapy series and she said today that he was kind of the scapegoat in the group and kept getting into arguments with people and she kept thinking he was going to quit the group, but he kept coming back. And apparently that was a thing that was making her fall for him, even. I said I think my moment for that sort of thing was when he was figuring me out. I mean, awkward as fuck to say the least, but that was my "wait a minute, this is a lot more than I was expecting here" moment(s).

Anyway, she said she's in another online group thing now and per things I've said about not wanting to bring up hard topics, she asked her group if one should say the thoughts they are having or not. They asked for whose benefit would it be if you said it, yours or the person's, and she and I agreed it's "mostly yours," because you're getting it off your chest for two seconds, if nothing else. But her group said that if there's something really screaming at you, maybe the other person does need to hear it. And the point they made is that it's not up to you to make the decision for them. Give them the choice to hear and it's not up to you. The group people said they wanted to know, and it mattered, and it made a difference.

Not that this makes me get up the nerve to be all "When you stop responding to stuff, it makes me think I should take the hint and back off and then I stop talking to you for months" about it either, mind you. (I still think that is too much and shitty to dump upon. It's my own sicko issues being alone all the time, he's busy, I should shut it and stop being a crazy person.) He's already said not to worry about it...I just can't stop worrying about it. Like I did have that conversation with Redhead Sarah, but she'll like, actually explain why the radio silence, which helps. Why don't I trust him on this stuff? I don't know. I kinda do and kinda don't. I don't feel like we have the history/conversation stuff down enough that I would still think he'd be in my life later. The friends I'm sure I'm keeping are the online chatty ones, the others these days are...who the hell knows if they can survive pandemic, if it ever ends. And also, I'm just fed up AF with how things are and there is literally nothing I can do about any of it and I'm afraid if I say anything, exploding and honesty may occur, and I sure don't want that.

Anyway, my therapy homework for next week is to write out what I would say (but not send), and also do the same regarding my parents and what they taught me about love and what complexes I have about it. Which I was going to do tonight, except then I spent all night writing to Kelly and finishing this and totally have not :P Ah well, if I randomly wake up at 5 a.m. again like I did this morning, maybe then I'll do it.

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