Chaos Attraction

So Why Don't I Want To?

2014-02-12, 2:53 p.m.

So I have had a few people point out that I need to do something, anything, to shake up my life. I agree with them on this, but what? Which is why I made this list of things I have been contemplating doing.

Radically Changing Things I Could Do,
Rated By How Much I Actually Want To Do Them On A Scale From 1-10,
1 Being "I Absolutely Don't Give A Crap About It,"
5 Being "Well, 50/50 Maybe"
and 10 Being...Not Actually Happening On This Scale Today.

*Go back to graduate school (suggested by everyone): 1. I don't care about grad school. I never have. I have no need for an advanced degree I'd have to go into debt for, I wasn't good enough to get freebies, I'd have to move, and I can do the stuff that I'd work on for free, thanks. Plus, grad school just sounds weird and Not Fun in the way that undergrad was. Plus I'm sick of college! Once in a great while I ponder going to grad school for about three minutes, and then realize I'm just not interested. So, no.

Go take some one-off classes at community college (suggested by mom and me): This was at about a five before I tried to actually do it and found out that they are so overloaded these days that someone who's last priority by virtue of already having degrees can't even get into a 1 unit online class. Never bloody mind. Now it's at a 2. Maybe in another 5-10 years if the economy ever improves.

Get a cat (suggested by my shrink): This one's at about a 2.5 or 3. Mostly I... just lost that desire a long time ago and don't really care any more. I still like cats, I like other people's cats, I think they're cute and all that. There are some reasonable reasons to not do it such as not being home all day and night almost every day and night and who's going to watch it while I'm gone on a weekend, doesn't make a difference to me if I have one or not at this point. Shouldn't I be EXCITED at the idea, instead of being all, "I dunno if this is a good idea?" I'm used to not having one. I decided a long time ago I should never have a pet again as long as I am alone, and I still think that's the right decision. Only one thing has changed since I made that decision (I could get a cat to the vet), but everything else problematic with that remains the same.

Take up some kind of martial art (my idea): This is about a 2. I used to think that I'd love to be able to beat people up if I had to and I'd feel like more of a badass. But (a) martial arts programs require you to do them every other day, i.e .every Tuesday/Thursday or Monday/Wednesday, and I just don't want to clear out two days a week to do the same thing again. I like doing a different thing every night. I'm not super into yelling or uniforms or hitting the ground a lot myself. And what I discovered years ago was that what I actually wanted to do was take self-defense classes. Which I love, but alas, they aren't offered on any regular basis (or at all any more lately, thanks budget cuts!) for practice. So this is more of a case of "can't get what I actually want to do here" than anything else.

Move to a warmer, more populated locale (my idea): This is at about a four, but thinking of packing up all of my crap and finding a job somewhere else...which I probably can't do ahead of time and I don't have anyone to sponge off of if I move anywhere that I'd like...just makes me faceplant into my keyboard. It all seems too overwhelming and hard to do, and I don't want it badly enough to conquer all. Or throw out stuff, for that matter.

Travel solo more (me and everybody): Am slowly working on this one, but given my credit limits, I can't book myself into a hotel for more than a long weekend. This is somewhere around a 4 or a 5, depending on what trip I'm pondering. For example, I'd like to spend a week in Arizona, but just can't afford a hotel for that long, and it's kinda far for just a weekend. So.... I dunno there.

Dye my hair an unnatural color in nature (my idea): This is about a four, until I re-remember how I'd have to bleach my hair, or more specifically go to a hairdresser because I can't see to dye my own hair well, and redo it a lot when the color fades quickly. I have some coworkers who do this so I can see how it works on a daily basis. And then I remember, "oh yeah, I had my hair highlighted over a year ago and I still can't be arsed to get the roots done again." I am too low maintenance to bother with dealing with this on a frequent enough basis to justify the original effort and expense.

Start my own business (me and everybody's idea): That's at a 1.5. No fun. Did not enjoy trying it. Pretty much don't want to run any of it myself at all. Plus my lease forbids it.

Find a new job (me and everybody): I don't even want to start talking about this one again, given how that is going.

Fall in love (?): Ditto, plus that's not exactly under my control anyway.

Take an improv class (my idea): This one's a seven or so, except there aren't any being offered here at least for another year (and frankly, the guy I talked to sounds iffy at best for "maybe in fall"), and I don't think I am likely to haul ass to Sacramento in the dark to do one there. It's a seven if it's here, I guess, but if it's out of drops to about a four. Which is ridiculous, I know.

Act in a play (my idea): This would be a ten, except for my lack of acting skills and the fact that someone else would have to cast me. And I'd have to drop all of the activities I do as well. Not under my control to have this one happen, really.

Be in an open mike night (my shrink): Man, I just don't wanna even attend one, much less perform at one. Interest level: one.

Be in a one woman show (my idea): This would be a ten, but would I make that happen? No idea.

Join Toastmasters (my idea): Found one that I could join. I should join it. I would probably like it. So why am I not excited about it? I don't even know what to rank this one.

Publish something....anything (me and everybody): Again: I would probably like it, but why am I not excited about it? Why don't I super want to do this?

Thing is, I just do not give a shit enough about doing any of this to even bother to start doing any of it. The only thing inspiring me to do these days is creating more insane knitting projects.

So after making this depressing list of MEH, I feel the need to make a list of things I DO care about just to prove that there's still something: knitting, reading, the Internet, crafting and making stuff, driving, going to cool events, TV shows, shopping fashion/jewelry/bling/wardrobe/pretty colors, "Hey, everybody! Look at this weird thing!," and writing--to some degree.

I'm not sure what to make of that.

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