Chaos Attraction

Not Safe Till St. Patrick's Day

2004-02-13, 6:00 a.m.

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We didn't even make it to St. Patrick's Day.

Readers, he dumped me. I'm sure none of y'all are surprised.

I was giving him his space this week. I called him, he didn't call me, but I didn't talk to him for very long most of the week. He didn't seem to have much to say. However, with the dreaded Valentine's Day coming up and all, I stupidly thought we could try and mend fences.

So I ask, and he's suddenly Very Reluctant to have me come. "I want you to, but I'm going to be busy jobhunting" (on a Saturday, RIGHT) "and my mom might be having people over or something." Flimsy excuses. I was all, look, do you just not want me to come? Because not wanting your girlfriend for Valentine's Day really hurts my feelings. Do you just want to break up with me already then?

He won't say yes, doesn't say much beyond "I'm sorry" and "I love you" but eventually comes out with that conversation we had last week? Did not make things any better for him, and he's been thinking about what to do and doesn't know what to do, and are we going anywhere with this if he can't move to me and I refuse to move to him? Truth be told, no, but I've never been in a rush to get married, always assumed I'd be forever single anyway, so I told him I was willing to wait and that I wasn't on a timetable. "But I am," he said.

I didn't say this, but I was thinking, Well, fine, if you're on a timetable, then bloody well fix up your financial life so we can move on with things! I'm not going to elope with you if you can't fucking pay your half of the rent, I'm not rich enough to 100% support you for life, and if you go on all the time about how you want to be able to pay for me all the time and how it hurts your pride when I have to buy you dinner all the time, then fucking do something about it other than whining to me. I'm willing to put up with a LOT, but at some point you do have to do SOMETHING. Much as I loathe the Maslow pyramid, you do fucking at least have to make sure you have food and water and shelter and clothes on a reliable basis before we go any farther.

I asked if it was only financial stuff here or if there was anything else going on, and he said basically it was financial stuff and if not for that, we'd be fine. He then decided that "maybe it'd be better if we talked in person" and agreed to check with his mother and the friends he's staying with to see if they were okay with having me over. He said he'd call or go online and get back to me about it later.

I assumed at this point that one way or another we'd break up, but at least we'd get some in-person closure, plus I could get my stuff back.

When I get home, I get an e-mail dumping me. Couldn't get up the nerve to do it in person even when I was practically asking him to already. Kept swearing he still loves me, but it's just too hard.

I haven't written him back yet (he said no calling), though I have deleted his permissions for my web site and also deleted his phone number, AIM screename, LJ friends list, took down his pictures from the web site, anything else I could think of. At the very least I have to write him one more time to make arrangements for getting back my stuff- Heather said she'd drive there for me and get it. I have tried to write e-mail responding to this, but so far just have a lot of drafts shooting below the belt.

I guess the bottom line is that despite his "timetable", he just didn't want to get his act together enough to actually get married, despite all of his talk about how we should be making future plans and spending holidays together (gee, I bet he can figure out why I never wanted to now, eh?) and how he was trying to work things out. Well, he was trying, and I'd say he was trying at least at a solid 70 percent, but...not enough to actually get anywhere. He used to have his own apartment and a decent enough job when we met, but apparently he just isn't interested any more in maintaining that lifestyle.

I don't get it. I don't get how he's okay with that. Hell, he's working on being homeless right now- his parents got fed up with his job situation (hours got cut to like nothing) and I guess have semi-kicked him out of the house, so of course he's gone to the formerly nasty apartment. If they end up kicking him out too, it's homeless bum time for him and soon. And for all I know, maybe he just WANTS to be a homeless bum so long as he doesn't have to work at a job he hates for minimum wage. And if he dumps me, there's no pressure to live up to my expectations. He can find another lame local homeless girl who's 19 and wants babies to elope with and get to be married without actually having to live up to her expectations of marriage, because she won't have any.

Okay, perhaps I'm hitting below the belt there with the sarcasm, but I feel led on. If he wanted to be rid of me, he could have said so earlier- I gave him several opportunities where all he had to do was blurt out a yes- rather than lead me to believe that he actually wanted to work on things. Liar. I find it funny that he used to worry so much that I'd get fed up and dump him because I quit on everybody and he wanted to fight for us, and now it's suddenly the other way around.

Why do I even bother when it's very obvious that I was meant to be alone?

I pick losers. (Yes, I am admitting he's a loser. Yes, everyone's been telling me this for ages. I knew all along, I just didn't want to believe he'd be a loser forever.)

I don't want to be single. I'm not happy single, and I know damn well I won't be dating again for years, if I even bother any more. I'm out of the age range of most folks here now so there's not much in the way of prospects. Plus, well, I don't see the point in bothering. Every time I get dumped, I lose a lot more trust and innocence that the next guy doesn't get in the relationship. Why the hell should I continue the cycle?

People have been good to me. Denise called about a half-hour after I checked e-mail and got to deal with my immediate phone blubbering. She tried to distract me as best she could for hours. What a sweetie. She told me why she's avoiding having any relationships and has wondered if that was such a good idea, and I said it was. I wish I had, I'd be more of a whole person that way. After that, Heather got home and took me out for Chinese and then took me to buy alcohol and wanted to watch a movie to distract me. I have asked her to take me out partying sometime, finally. (Man, I'm gonna hate it when she leaves.) Jess e-mailed me some incredibly nice, supportive things, and the people on my various message boards have been saying nice things too. Y'all are so sweet.

Well, it's 6:51 a.m. (woke up at 4) and the cat's been trying to hump my laptop for the last few hours, and I really should decide if I'm going to go to work or not pretty soon, so I'll wind this up. Going to my parents' house this weekend, since they're the only ones who'll be there no matter what, once again. Besides, there I can hide in the house and get hugs and not have to deal with Valentine's.

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