Chaos Attraction

Sally Albright Speech

2004-02-13, 6:35 p.m.

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Clearly, I was yet another victim of Christmas Valentine Season. (Okay, not in the "I'm getting cheated on" sense, but you know what I mean- the "everything comes to a head because of the pressure" way.) I didn't know it was so official, though you'd think I might have uh, figured it out.

Had a weird moment last night while out at dinner: one of the servers told me that I was very pretty. I was all, I've been crying and my face is red and I'm pretty? *boggle*

I went to work today. Considered not doing it, since I woke up at 4 a.m. and spent the next few hours writing everyone e-mail to tell them what happened. Meanwhile, my roommate's cat that hasn't been spayed kept lying on and humping my laptop and my jewelry container and mewing...no, she hasn't been spayed, whyever do you ask? I debated not going in. On the one hand, distraction from sitting home alone all day. On the other hand, fucking cheerful coworkers chattering around and asking me stupid questions, plus Mom may e-mail me at work to check to see if I cut out.

Though this has worked out- the hysterically giggling coworkers that were annoying me this morning were doing it because they were passing out bouquets of gorgeous red tulips to all the girls for the day. That was so sweet!Really cheered me up. For once I'm not the only one around at work without flowers!

At least I've got a lot of new books and DVD's. And parents to run and hide to. And sweethearts who read the last entry on LJ (or any whiny posts I made on message boards) and wrote condolences. Thank you all, so much. Thank you, thank you. It's nice to know some folks still care, you know?

The onlly one at work I told was our remaining temp, who I was gossiping with because she got a job offer today and somehow the conversation migrated to friendships ending, and she said some of them might dump me because they were intimidated or we didn't have the same goals. Yes, I related. She was really great, actually, and she may certainly have had a point on the intimidation thing.

Anyway, right now I'm kinda feeling like Sally Albright:

"Anyway, we talked about it for a long time and I said, "This is what I want." and he says, "Well I don't." and I said, "Well I guess it's over." and he left. And the thing is I... I feel really fine. I am over him, I mean I really am over him. And that was it for him. That was the most that he could give."

And yet, I also relate to Joe somehow, even though he's on a different end of things. Or at least I think my most recent ex may feel similarly on some level.

"I know that over the course of her getting over me she'll write things in anger/depression/hate/annoyance/other that will paint me with a bad brush. I've seen it in the way she dealt with her former best friend, so I don't imagine it will be any different. It's just the way she is.

Am I cowardly for holding onto something that made me (us?) happy? Possibly. Am I cowardly for keeping a relationship alive knowing that it affects both of our futures? Isn't that worth fighting for?

Regardless of how the breakup occurs or the reasons for it, the dumper is always vilified by the friends of the dumpee - I've done it myself for my friends, even if it's just a casual comment without much thought behind it other than to reassure your friend that you're on their side or something like that.

I gave my heart and soul to Erika; everything that I had. It just seems a shame that it will all end with her friends rallying round her offering to hunt me down and beat me with a sock full of door knobs."

But...what are you going to do?

Later on I may be a wreck. But right now, I'm not feeling too badly. Friday the Thirteenth has been pretty good.


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