Chaos Attraction

A Strange Sense Of Optimism

2015-02-16, 10:29 p.m.

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So here's the thing: for the moment, I am maintaining a sense of optimism. Along the lines of "But of course I can just like, manifest money and have it come to me! Of course! No problem! I can like, increase my income to like, $4k a month through the power of random money coming to me or something!" (Because I am reading a book like that.) I can not have to deal with moving because the money will just like, come to me! No problem!"

I know, knowing me, that this mental state is unlikely to last past oh.... going back to work. And then I will be in scarcity mindset again. And realistically speaking, I should be planning from a place of loss rather than being all slaphappy and thinking, "Hey, I can just renew again and hope that something works out! Let Future Ted and Future Marshall take care of it! Maybe in a year I teach the horse to sing!"

Which is nuts because I can say for the last few years that Future and Present Jennifer haven't had the faintest idea which decision to make or the mental/emotional wherewithal to pick a side and waiting hasn't made me any more decisive. Doing the math....there's not a whopping difference between moving to a one bedroom once first/last/deposit factor in. Either way it's all stress and hell. And right now I'd rather believe that something would happen to make me able to stay without really super upsetting my home life, such as it is, so I don't have to decide this shit.

Anyway, today has been a positive thinking day, but optimism is hard to maintain! And I remembered "oh yeah, I get to worry about paying for dental bills in a few months too!" Argh. So...which do I think? "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst" is probably what I should be thinking, but I haven't been able to cope with the worst thinking and making changes regarding my living situation. And I fear that if I renew, I'll just not do anything anyway. Whether that's good or bad or not. Argh. So tired of not really being able to think about anything but money.... though two out of three situations are now officially decided.

I am doing the class again. Not only did she knock the price off the monthly, she said she'd give me the first month free because I still have the second class's private sessions going on at the same time. The $440 deal is too good to pass up, in the end. Even if it means I skip writer's group (same nights and times) for three months. (Or more, because these classes never end, it seems.)

On the good news side, the Internet problem has been taken care of. On the one hand: yes, I have to upgrade with no choice about it. On the other hand, they are only going to charge me $55/month for 12 months with no contract so it doesn't matter if I disconnect or not, and even at full price it'll still be $86 instead of the $99 I am currently paying, AND the new modem and servicing will be free. HUZZAH. So, there's some worries off my hands. They also didn't give me a lick of trouble about it either.


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