Work: in office. I got there and found out that Dianna was already in the office I usually use, and I had been kicked out to my old private office. Which would be great except that means DOING YET ANOTHER COMPUTER SETUP, which of course meant it didn't work for an hour and a half. Grr, argh. Otherwise, did tedious shit, avoided the awful emails, got covid tested yet again, la la la.

Rehearsal: "Mr. Cladwell," "Don't Be The Bunny," "What Is Urinetown," and the ensemble FOR ONCE got to leave at 9:20 when they did "Why Did I Listen To That Man." (I feel sorry for the ensemble members who are now in that scene. "Amy, you and Karam ready to be beaten up?" -Steve)

Sherilyn has strep throat, thank god. (Again, the irony of saying that.)

Steve asked if anyone was in stores today after the mask mandate ended. Nope, I was at my work where it didn't. He said about 70% of people in stores still had them on, about 50% of employees.

Paul has been told to wear suspenders, or braces.
Steve: "We won the war in the 18th century just so we could call them suspenders."
Paul: "I abandoned my country to come here."

Steve to James: "Could you slime it up some more?"

I note that Cladwell sure is obsessed with baby and bunny death. Tonight he pantomimed chucking a baby over his shoulder. Should that man really have been entrusted with Hope?

James has on a jacket with a lot of pins: "A veritable wall of graffiti, am I."

Steve: "McQueen, you look like you need to do the peepee dance." Evan: "I do!" Steve then instructed him on doing the boy's peepee dance, involving the word "schmeckel."

"Evan, excellent job of imitating everything he's doing. Thank you, Mike Pence." -Steve

"My hair is the least of my concerns onstage." -Sierra

Sorting out my feelings about Scott:

I read some articles about gut feelings the other day and they said that if you have a gut feeling that you're meant to be with someone, it's probably right.

My gut feeling is that we're meant to be together. That he's some kind of soulmate or other (though fuck the twin flame thing) I still think this. (Though the problem with this is that I'm totally biased. And the psychic said no.) But, thinking otherwise has just felt wrong. I keep trying to talk myself into it and it don't last.

Even though Scott said no to me, I do believe, still, that he likes me "like that" on some level. I felt the pull between him and me backstage and through most of the show. He waited for me after the show (or I did him), he sat next to me, he hung out with me afterwards. He still likes me on some level. He wants contact with me and has actually done it a bit. Heck, I know he wants to see me now :)

Per his own FB posting, he doesn't feel desirable physically. As Mom pointed out, maybe if he did, he'd have less of an issue and he is working on himself. I note that on his little photo album there, I'm in 6 of 9 pictures (of course, Cameron is in all nine) And he did post "love you all" on the post-funeral photo, so there's that. Literal evidence, of a sort.

I have tried to get over him by not having contact with him. That didn't work. Believing he didn't care about me--consciously choosing to do so every day for seven months--didn't work. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, is kind of what I'm thinking these days.

I think I'm just going to love him on some level, whatever that is. Hopelessly, with presumed no hope that he'll change his mind, or if he does it might take decades or he never will. Look, if the psychic's Mr. Entrepreneur ever comes along, I'll jump on it. I'll go for him, because Scott isn't going for me and I want to be with someone again before I die, and if Mr. Entrepreneur actually exists and wants to be with me and Scott does not, then I'll do it and see if Mr. Entrepreneur is legitimately better for me. I'll give it a chance if that guy actually exists and is ever in my vicinity, though TIME IS TICKING ON THAT ONE and I don't see that guy showing up under the circumstances. HE BETTER MOVE HIS ASS INTO MY VICINITY IF HE WANTS TO WIN HERE, JUST SAYING, UNIVERSE.

But...I'm not managing to get over this and maybe there's a reason for that, I don't know. It may all be pointless and stupid, but I'm still going to care about him and try to think of ways to at least keep what we got, even if I can't swing seeing him most days a week to develop the connection like we really need (sigh). Again: all the hormones and the signs feels like there have to be a reason for this, eh?

It may never happen. I acknowledge that. It could take him 30 fucking years to be ready and then I'm dead, for all I know. (But it's not like I'm meeting anyone else interested that I want, either.) But I'm apparently going to care about him regardless, even if I am mostly going to let him be.

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