Chaos Attraction

In Which I Attempt To Be Positive While Feeling Seriously Bummed

2011-02-17, 10:36 p.m.

Reasons Why It Is A Good Thing That I Will Not Be Going To The Con This Weekend:

(a) I have three uninterrupted (and presumably rainy so I won't be tempted to hang out outside all afternoon or do something more interesting, which I pretty much did for most of the daylight hours the last two weekends) days to finish cleaning my apartment. Maybe I'll actually finish it... HAHAHAHAH, yeah, right, but my steam on this is gonna run out soon, so I really should keep going while I can.

(b) I'll get my rest. If I go to the con, I get about 4 hours of sleep a night and am thoroughly worn out by Tuesday. Now I'll get a lot of sleep every night, in my own comfy bed. Assuming upstairs or sideways neighbor sex doesn't wake me up, anyway.

(c) I can go to all of the cool classes at the gym, including the ones on Monday that I normally can't go to. Maybe the joint won't be so crowded so I won't have to be in line a half hour before all of them, either. Dancing! Weightlifting!

(d) I can spend some quality time with my Netflix after I'm done cleaning for the night (er, hit my limit). And I can watch Supernatural and Fringe and other television shows.

(e) I will NOT run into any ex-friends and have any of those super awkward moments that I've been having at the con when I've gone, because there really is no way to pretend you didn't see someone in that small of a space every time that you see them. I say that ESPECIALLY given the odds of running into my newest ex-friends who are probably still going without me, because if I see them, I might KICK THEM.

(f) It saves money to not have to pay for a hotel room, to buy food, and to be tempted by shiny knicknacks and awesome research books.

But seriously now, I am incredibly goddamned bummed that I am not going. I just can't swing it without at least one other human's car/assistance/help with a hotel bill, and I don't have it. Maybe next year I can go alone (though really, going totally alone is a wee bit depressing) once I can swing things like car rentals or something, but... okay, probably not if I get canned. So I'll probably never return, and it kills me. I want to get my hippie on with other people and now I don't have the other people any more, more or less. I could cry. Hell, I probably will cry this weekend. I hate missing out on the awesome.

Though really, if I did run into my ex-friends, I probably would desperately want to kick them. Or cry. Or yell. Especially that one. So I guess it's all for the best that I do not ever go again.

You know, I expected most of the group to drift off. The people who moved, the people who had babies, you can't really expect anything more there when life moves you on. But it's those who stayed here and just... flaked... that tick me off. And especially, it's those who I didn't think would EVER start ignoring me on the street when I run into them (especially when they live ON THE NEXT BLOCK FROM ME) that kills me. I really thought better of them than that. Stupid me for believing, eh?

Trying this again: On a related note on the good news side, I FINALLY GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE MAIL. So yes, I do have legal proof of this sort of thing! It actually exists! It wasn't a dream! I can take that interim paper license and get it framed!

I thought about e-mailing Elsa about this, but... well, she's decided that she doesn't want to drive with me any more, and realistically, I think the friendship is over because otherwise I'll have no reason to ever see her now that our mutual friends won't even talk to me any more. It felt like a friend dump when I heard this, even though I suspect in her brain she didn't 100% intend it to be. But realistically, it is. Clearly if she's given a choice between the ex-friends and me (which might have happened), she'll pick them, which is reasonable given the duration of their friendship. I can't blame her for that. But it still sucks. Though I guess I should be happy/grateful that it lasted as long as it did, enough for me to get my license. Wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise, after all.

I think about contacting them all, and then I think, "Really? I need to ASK for them all to say no again? I already got the nos when people ignored my attempts at contact and pretend they don't hear me when I tried to say hi on the street. Trying to get someone's attention never works, dumbass."

...Yeah, this just isn't working.

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