Chaos Attraction

Don't Even Know How To Title This

2012-02-20, 9:32 a.m.

Driving trip #10 was driving around during lunch on Friday. It was a token last-minute sort of thing since I had planned to get in this week's drive test-driving that car Mom found out about when I went to the Bay Area this weekend. And then I had the feeling it wasn't going to happen. The actual driving was just fine, thanks.

For those of you wondering how the car thing went: it didn't at all. Mom's "car guy" at the swanky dealership they got that car from told her not to even waste $100 on taking it to the mechanic, so she did what he said. I was not thrilled. Especially since she forwarded me on his e-mail and the dude sounded so illiterate that I wondered if he was from a foreign country. It reminded me of reading e-mail from Mauricio. (Mauricio, upon seeing it, replied, "Hey, I at least use punctuation. And commas.") You know, I wasn't really planning on getting it and I had zero hopes about it, mostly I just wanted to see what the situation would be like in a low-pressure, no-goddamned-evil-salesmen-involved sort of way. But no. Grrr.

I also found out that insurance will cost me $2000 a year. So...yeah, even worse than anything anyone posited before. Of course, I told this to Jackie (who has a fairly new car) and she was all, "Hey, I pay $600 a month, so that is nothing." Good point. That actually made me feel better.

Speaking of, I went to go see Jackie on Saturday. For the record, even with the Bay Bridge closed, it was not insane in SF. BART was about the same as usual or maybe slightly less people (hell, it was more nuts last time I went on it, what with a suicide and a football game going on), the streets were a bit less crowded. It was pleasant. We went to some fancy restaurant for an appetizer lunch of salmon, artichoke hearts and fries--she picked the menu-- and then went to the Neiman Marcus Rotunda for tea. We were seated next to, I am not kidding, two large hairy biker guy dudes. I was thinking, "Oh, San Francisco, you so wacky," but it turned out they were from Reno, though one of them used to live here. But they like to stop in at the Rotunda when they're in town. Very nice folks. Also in our vicinity was one lady that I kind of suspected was homeless-- mostly because she had her suitcase with her and really strange, kind of scary hair and she was crying into her plate frequently. I...don't know what was up with that.

It's weird: I can't find Girl Scout cookies anywhere in the area I live, but I ran into random Girl Scouts while in the Bay Area like, constantly. I bought some off a street corner in San Francisco, and hell, there was one girl set up outside a restaurant we tried going to (it was totally full so we gave up) a few hours later. Here if you find Girl Scouts, they literally show up for five minutes and they're out of cookies and gone. Go figure.

Jackie pointed out that I give up on things way too easily. Like with regards to driving, "I would have just gotten another driving instructor, and then another, and then another...." Which honestly never occurred to me-- then again, I wasn't up for paying for them at age 16, the parents didn't offer, and as you all know by now, I have a giant hate-on for formal driving instructors. But she was all, "I keep plugging away at things no matter what," and well... I don't. I don't want anything badly enough to make huge changes and sacrifices, apparently. I never have.

Like right now I am doing The Apartment Debate of (a) keep things as they are, (b) ask if I can move into a one-bedroom, or (c) attempt to clean out my stuff to make space for a roommate. Except I don't want to throw out ALL of that stuff, like the furniture I actually use or can't stash in a bedroom closet (like the table, which doesn't fit in the tiny kitchen or living room), and other things that won't pack away in my bedroom by now. And god knows There Would Be Drama if I tried to get rid of major stuff anyway. And the finances of moving don't really work too well-- at this point I pay about $150 more than I would for a one-bedroom so that's not a major savings, plus I'd have to pay a new first/last month's rent and deposit, AND figure out how to move the stuff. Which yeah, I can afford to do, I suppose, but it boils down to a lot of work that I can't emotionally get myself on board to do for that small-ish amount of savings. Or at least it doesn't seem worth it for all the stress I would have going from March to September. Mom keeps arguing with me that I shouldn't have to do that, but I keep pointing out that new lease = new financial setup and new rules, and they are not going to bypass asking me for more rent money and a new deposit "just to be nice." That's no advantage to them to do that. So as usual I have another circular argument in which I get nowhere.

As usual, I am relatively comfortable where I am, but can't get myself to up and move. Anything. But hell, even if I was direly uncomfortable or unhappy where I lived or worked, I still wouldn't do shit to change it.

I don't know how to make myself change.

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