Chaos Attraction

America's Sexiest Couple

2021-02-20, 10:17 p.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
I Might Be Getting The Vaccine - 2021-02-26
Invisible Disabilities - 2021-02-25
The Variants - 2021-02-23
Mix Up Movie - 2021-02-22
Cinderella Masquerade - 2021-02-21


Cast list as of November 2019

You know you're not doing great when you're a night owl and decide to go to bed (or at least read in bed) at 9 p.m. and then don't actually leave bed until 9 a.m. the next day. Also, what the hell is there to live for? I started trying to do a parody of "Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay." "Sitting on the edge of my bed....watching the time roll away...'cause I have nothing to live for....look like nothin' gonna come my way." I dragged myself through walking around the apartment. Made an omelet and bacon. I worked on my one-woman show for the Petticoat Affair--even if I get nothing else out of this class, I'll have done some work, you know?

Mom called, Evan is visiting so I guess she's hiding at her house for the day. Roger has an appointment for the next one on the 19th. I asked if she'd heard from RiteAid yet and she said no, but her friend Tom who got a shot last week heard from them a week later, so hopefully she hears from them next week. Mostly she just wanted to say that some guy she knows who she thinks had a crush on her old manager finally found out she killed herself ("I didn't want to tell him!") and he's bummed out and devastated and wondering why. Clearly he saw some nicer side than Mom did, I think. Later she called back on the same topic and then casually mentioned that oh, two people I knew from high school have tried to run family members over with their cars. The fuck?

One person show class, week 2: he wants to go around asking what you thought of whatever one-person show you watched this week, and then get a pitch from people.

Notes from watching other people in their class:

* "Everything has already been done before," but don't worry too much about it.
* Monologues about Melania turning 50, alone in a pandemic, cleaning the golden toilet. "I'd like to write it that so you forget about Melania Trump...."
* "How The Grim Reaper Saved My Life" is a possible title for April the psychic. It's a "superpower I've had to deal with throughout my life."
* "What are the comedic moments from my cult life?" says Giovannie, talking about getting married off in high school to a pedophile in his 30's. "It was so magical in my brain because I was getting married for God, and then the preacher started going off about his hypoglycemia...."
* One guy brought up that he hates audience participation and Drew was all, "I do too, but I'm an asshole, I make other people do it but I hate it when they do it to me." Uh-HUH.
* This guy also wants to do "Whatever happened to Britney Jean?" about his fandom and writing letters to her circa 98-2008. He calls her "enigmatic," I dunno about that one....
* One lady said that she had a "false positive for Covid and then later tested negative and her husband threw her out of the after 14 days of quarantine, she just didn't get to watching any one-person show, but had a lot of free time on her hands. The more you hear about her husband, the more you think he's .. not great.
* Same lady: "When I found my dad dead, he had a boner, so that was something. He had a pump-up dick. It was New Year's, so I know he was having fun...." "A pretty top notch lady from the Mexican mafia had moved in...."
* "I have this pretty amazing felt vagina costume. I wanted to embody what it felt like to have your humanity stripped away and just be a body part." "I also have this giant inflatable penis character, who I use to embody the men who have violated me." "I was guessing if you had any insight on the vulnerable penis character." "None!"

Next week: bring in about 4-5 minutes of material to read. Well, at least the in-class stories are crazy. I worked on crocheting a Bernie and on my own one-person show during this.

Afterwards, the weather wasn't too bad, so I went outside on the patio and read The Midnight Bargain, which I am loving. But I am so cold coming back in that putting on two pairs of slippers isn't cutting it. (God, I'm a whiner when it's 50 above. I could be in fucking Texas, ya git.)

Tonight's viewing:

I went to the Sacramento Story Swap and they were all bragging about getting their shots. As the youngest one in there, I just wanted to shut off the Zoom and go get some alcohol.

Karen: how she joined Al-Anon.
John Petrik: "animal droppings and chickenshit right up to the doorstep" Going on a trip to find his ancestors
Adele: falling in love with mangosteen in Bali
Dave: giving money to a homeless woman: "Nobody has the flu in 2021." and he's high risk. He came out clear on the test but hasn't seen her since.
Ed: his dad continues to be kind of a jerk, not approving of him being a preschool teacher. Ed's fiancee dumps him for a rich guy and has a very nice life. Am I really a man?! He went to the Amazon and met "John Wayne" and had a shooting contest with him and he can still be a real man :)
Andy: his wife has been playing soccer for 30 years and she started in her 30's. Daughter gets on the "reject team" and eventually start winning. They won the entire season ;)

I got asked if I wanted to talk about "unusual careers," but sadly (a) I have nothing on that topic and (b) I can't tell work stories as long as I work at this job. Darn it. Oh well, sometime later....

I also watched "America's Sexiest Couple," another play by Ken Levine. Susan the actress has to stay in Syracuse in a medium level hotel for going to funeral, as is her former costar Craig. The bellboy is 22 and hasn't heard of her, or the TV show they were on, or anything, but he wants a selfie! Susan is annoyed. Craig comes by and they hug for a loooooooong time. She has an eidetic memory, ahem. He longed for her during the show, but they were get the drift. "What did you do to relieve the pressure?" "I won an Emmy." Then they get into arguing over their acting styles. "Do you know how hard it is to have an inflated ego AND be insecure?!" "Every day, every minute I wanted to sleep with you and I wanted to kill you!" He says his wife left him because of Susan and NOT being half of "America's Sexiest Couple." Then as they're fighting, and he's about to stomp out, they both get a call saying that CBS wants to reboot the show. They apologize.

The bellboy comes by and she cuts off their heads in the boys' selfie ("I'm no Annie Leibowitz"), and she tips him $50 to watch the show and let them know if it's worth a reboot. Please don't text during it....he hands back the money and says, "No show is worth having to pay attention."

"I don't like to dwell in the past, except to remember every single minute of it," she says. They break out her laptop and watch the post-Super Bowl kiss episode and get into it. "I loved the way you sucked the air out of his chest cavity." They kiss for real :) Which leads to "Let me take my Viagra!" Followed by her sussing out that he brought that in preparation. "Well, every woman keeps Astroglide." And a cock ring, which she claims was "an impulse by at the 99 cent store." WHAT THE BLEEP KIND OF DOLLAR STORE HAS THAT?!?! I know, I know, Hollywood, but.... "We just needed the right time and place." "Yes, a funeral."
(I haven't watched a sex scene on Zoom for awhile. Joely's doing a good job at this.) "Quick? Our foreplay took 30 years!" Then they get into a fight about whether or not to do the show again and throw food at each other. I will also note that she claims to not remember saying that she loved him (obvious bullshit with her memory). "Eggplant emoji!" the bellhop says, as well as "You seniors are into some kinky shit!" The bellhop loved the show but loved her most. Does Susan have a comment on the dead guy? Nope. Why did she leave the show? She almost got raped at the wrap party by the now-dead Danny and she bit his face. (She just came to the funeral to hopefully bang Craig.) They decide not to go to the funeral, and she remembers saying she loved Craig after an actor thing. But now she means it, today. It's always been you, he says. AWWWWWWWWWW. I love this! This is so sweet! Love it!!! His best one I've seen so far!

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