Chaos Attraction

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

2004-02-21, 5:02 p.m.

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Nothing like going shopping with all of my now-disposable income to cheer me up. I admit I went whole-hog this weekend, but hey, if I'm not blowing $50-100 every weekend just to go see him, I've suddenly got a lot left over for me, eh?

So last night and today I had a spree. Great fun. I haven't been shopping for that long in town in ages, it seems, mostly because the stores close by 6 on weeknights. I even went to an art gallery for awhile to check out a Christo & Jeanne-Claude exhibit, featuring The Gates and Over The River artwork. Damn, I wish I could buy one of those drawings, I love them.

I had planned to go clothing-shopping mostly, but ended up buying no clothes, but plenty of jewelry and reading material instead.


(a) A necklace of hematite stars. Hematite's such a lovely stone to wear, plus even sparky despite its darkness.

(b) Red heart with gold flower earrings.

(c) A rose quartz heart, just to carry around for luck or make into a pendant later or something.

(d) A purple shiny dragonfly necklace.

(e) An opal ring. That last one has a story behind it.

Last year, Hill and I went shopping and I was looking at opals in a store. As you'll note from the entry, this was during yet another job-hunting time for Dave, and in fact, this was right when I figured out the "job" he'd just gotten was a big fucking scam. What I didn't mention in the entry back then was that I'd been eyeing the opal rings in the store and wishing he could afford to get me one for Christmas. I don't know why I'd been thinking like that- perhaps looking at the "engagement rings" I was already wearing from him, the last of which I'd had to buy myself to use as a prop for the parents. And I remember being annoyed knowing that he couldn't get me a damn thing for Christmas, not even cheap crap, much less a pretty ring. I didn't buy myself one then, I bought a pendant instead.

Today, I went back and got myself the damn ring I'd wanted. This lovely opal, combined with the "empoweRING" and the disco ring, those three rings replace the ones I got from him. My hands have felt bare since I stopped wearing them, and now they're full again. (Though I can't wait until the ring adjusters come in so the two big honking ones will fit me. I had to make sure the opal fit and tried on every opal there to make sure it did.) I'm not waiting for a guy to give me anything any more when I can get it myself.

As for my reading material, I got:

(a) A card with a short guide to reading runes on it.

(b) WritersDigest magazine, with a novel-boot-camp thing in it, which I should pass on to Jess as well.

(c) A magazine called Iris, which looked to be really good and kind of one of those Bust/Bitch-type commentary mags.

(d) Tarot in Ten Minutes, which had a lot of good reading layouts that I want to try.

(e) Wishcraft: How To Get What You Really Want, and (f) I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. I know they sound like they cover the same subject matter, but they do it in two very different ways. No wonder Amazon linked them together.

(g) The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving Your 20's With Savvy, Soul, and Style. This one just looked like a good one even if the name is cutesy.

And then there was the book I didn't buy, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours. I started reading through it and eventually it dawned on me that I think I already own this book, or at least I read it the last time I was going through this. Which is why I didn't buy it (though perhaps I should have, since I can't find it), but there was another reason.

As I was saying somewhere else today, this book is about why people have relationships. More specifically, we choose the people that we have relationships with because they have something to teach us/that we learn from, and they learn from us. And when we get done learning that lesson/fulfilling that need, then the relationship comes to a natural conclusion. This cycle goes on until you get to a point where you're pretty much the person you're going to be for life, and then you can have a relationship that'll last.

Which makes a lot of sense. In this relationship, I learned what it was like to have someone who did want to be with me for life, as opposed to someone who figured he'd fall out of love with me in six months anyway. I learned what it was like to think in a longterm partners context, even if that wasn't great or right for this particular relationship. I learned a lot about having relationships in general and what I want in one. I learned what was really entailed in being engaged, and that I really do have to have someone who can hold up his end of things as opposed to doing it all myself.

I may be terrified of having an equal in a relationship with me because I think if I have a guy with his own money and goals and dreams he'll just want me to be in the kitchen with his babies because mine aren't important when compared to his, but if I want a relationship to have a chance at lasting, I have to. Because while I may be willing to be the wallet in a relationship, I cannot trust a guy who can't support himself for shit to be able to pick up the slack for me if I lose my job or whatever. That's not safe. Next lesson I learn/boyfriend I have involves learning how to date someone else ambitious and how to deal with it. Maybe then I'll get closer to/finally get the right one, eh?

Anyway... I want to go get some reading done :)

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